A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Help. Im on the verge on ending my relationship. We have been together 3 years and have a 1 year old daughter. We live with my boyfriends father as I had to take extended maternity leave (our daughter was sick) and we couldnt afford to pay my mortgage.My boyf is 25 years old. The pregnancy was unplanned but we both love our daughter.His father wants him to live there. He still does his washing, ironing, packed lunch! etc. He pays no rent. I am looking to start work again soon and save up money but I am at my wits end and feel I can no longer stay here, its not mine or my daughters space, his father is 62, stuck in his ways and to be honest annoying. I dont want to break up our family but I cant cope with this situation much longer. Please give me some advice??
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2007): You already know what the answer is. If your boyfriend is staying because it seems like the easy option he is making a big mistake. He will probably see this for himself at some stage.
Did you rent out your previous place and can you take it back? You have to have a heart-to-heart with your boyfiend and let him tell you how he feels about the prospect of living with his Dad and the option of moving out. Once you know what he thinks you can discuss the positive and negative aspects. Don't steam in with saying how much you can't stand his Dad's habits, that will hurt his feelings.
In fact I would keep off how you feel about his Dad and concentrate on on being a family - the three of you. It would be fine to say that you don't feel at home there because you can't be yourself. It is his Dad's house and that has a subtle influence on how you live there which is stressful and you can not really relax. You can't make it your own - which is very important. Someone else always has the final say - his Dad. He will be set in his ways and this is another stress for you. Could you invite friends around or have them for a meal? Probably not easily.
As a back-up you could find out what kind of accomodation is available to you if you are single and all the benefits etc. Working Family Tax Credit really makes a difference so evern if you only work a little ( think it is 16 hours pw) you should get a good contribution - as well as child care costs covered. Look into this fully but don't use it as a threat.
Then tell your boyfriend that you want your space as a family in your own home. I am sure you will be able to invite his Dad over etc. Perhaps he is lonely and your boyfriend feels responsible for him?? I am sure you can empathise with that. Tell him what you would like to do; find a house/flat, move out together, when, work out the costs and your work pattern etc. If he wants to invite his Dad for an evening each week I am sure you can work it out.
That way you have all options open and your boyfriend can see you mean it.
A
male
reader, lupa-k +, writes (26 April 2007):
Is there absolutely no way that you could move away from his father, for the sake of both your sanity and the relationship? Perhaps you could attempt to get housing benefit, and move into a council property. It may not have the luxury that you are accustomed to but it sounds like anything would be better than the current situation?
One question though, if you were to move out then where would you go to? Perhaps you could find a place, especially after you are working again, then try to persuade your partner to move with you. Does he even know how uncomfortable you feel living with his father?
Generally however, I also feel that he needs to take a bit more responsibility and grow up - he should be playing his role in the childcare duties as well, instead he's trying to shirk responsibilities such as ironing. I think a long hard chat there is necessary.
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