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female
,
anonymous
writes: ive been with my boyfriend for six months now and overall it has been going great, of course we have our ups and downs but the relationship is very good, i love him deeply and he loves me too. the problem is, is that ive never been ina proper relationship before and im not used to this. im a very neurotic person and emotional, in the past ive had my heart broken and suffered from depression, self harming and anexiety, ive never sought help for these problems i just kind of pulled myself together, and for the last 2 years ive been content, single but content. when i met this man i knew i was in trouble, i knew i would fall for him immediatly and be devestated if it didnt happen, but it did, he fell for me to and the rest is history. but no matter how hard i try i just cant relax and enjoy this relationship to its full potential, i feel like im waiting for the bomb and im on a sell by date and soon he'll realise that he can do better. im convinced hes going to cheat on me or go off me, and im scared of how it'lll affect me, i know ill be gutted and it will break me. i know i shouldnt think like this, but things like this dont normally happen to me and its not a familuar feeling, i sshouldnt be like this, and im driving my friends mad, my boyfriend knows about my situation but not the full extent of my fears as he will think im insane, hes so comfortable and relaxed and hes really great boyfriend, so whats my problem?we're both quite free sprits and spend a lot of time with friends, i wouldnt normally have a problem with this but when im not with him and he doesnt reply straight away to my texts or calls i just panic and really piss my friends off as im not myself for the rest of the day. i have to control the situation but i just dont know how.
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female
reader, AbbyMermie +, writes (28 May 2006):
Hello,
I just want to say I read your story and completely identify with your situation. I started dating a guy earlier this month, and we "just" decided to commit. I do the same things - get upset if he doesn't write me emails back on the same day, or message me on msn when i am online, even though i talked to him less than 24 hours ago. Sometimes it feels his messages aren't as caring or as enthusiastic, and that makes me feel like he doesn't want me anymore. I'm not afraid of him cheating, he's too nice of a guy, just always afraid he'll get bored and fall out of "like", get annoyed by me etc. Today has been a horrible day of crying and wanting to cut myself, and for lack of an instrument I have refrained. And for what? Because i "felt" he wasn't enthusiastic as he should have been while chatting to me. I am guessing that now that the "chase" is over, he doesn't need to be over-expressive of his feelings - I guess he expects me to know by now that he likes me a lot. On top of that, we both had lives before meeting each other and these lives have not ceased to be just because we're dating. We both have friends, work, obligations etc. I keep telling myself he's allowed to go and just "be" and have his alone time because that's what he's been doing for the past 21 years! And if I knew better, then I should also enjoy my alone time too! My point has been for you to read this and realize what a silly girl I am and in turn you realize that such behaviour is kinda silly, and that the fear is baseless. here's something I found on the internet today which gave me some confidence, so I hope it has the same effect on you:
THERE'S NOTHING MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN CONFIDENCE, TRUST, AND HONESTY.
A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (26 May 2006):
 Hey there, I know exactly how you feel, This also happend to me. I had been badly heartbroken after dating a guy for 6 years he had run off and cheated! So of course I was devasted, so much so I didnt really go out for two years sunk into to depression, but thanks to my wonderful mum made it through somehow! I then had a couple of relationships here and there but i couldnt really get into them, still feeling raw from what had happend and I couldnt trust. That was until I met my current partner, in the begining I was scared witless, i guess sometimes even now I cant believe how lucky i am. But as soon as we had fallen for each other I started to panick, we were madly in love, and inseperable.. the problem was I would get to where i would get all depressed, worrying and not sleeping, for fear that he would leave me, and instead of enjoying the relatinoship I was actually tearing it apart myself, sitting getting all in a state for no reason, just fear! This went on for a while and like you, if he didnt answer my call or return a text straight away i automatically assumed he was cheating, to the point that when I saw him i would be all moody with him, and he didnt understand why as he hadnt done anything wrong. In the end it came to a head and he felt like he couldnt breathe and i was actually in danger of loosing him by worrying about stuff that hadnt happend! We had a good heart to heart and cleared the air and he was so great, he understood why i acted like a looney, (still do lol) and we tried for a couple of months with me not having to know where he was every second of the day and if i text him he would on purpose not reply for ages! and with calls, until then it kinda sunk in, that all he was doing was carrying on as normal doing normal things, but came home to me, it took me a while to get my head around it, but it came down to trust, and you cant cant tar others with the same brush. I know its hard but only over time can this change for you and its you that has to realise you have far more to lose by worrying like this, you have to take each adventure as if it’s the first, every relationship needs a blank canvass, we are all different, and view things differently, but you are causing yourself your own anguish, you have to have the attitude that nothing can break me, im solid and im going after what I want! But its only you that can do this, you have to put what happened in the past in the past, you cannot let this ruin the rest of your life. Be strong, and enjoy your relationship, don’t let it be taken away from you because of your fears, I nearly did, but I am happy to say it took me a while, and yes I do get the odd day where I think oh god what if.. but I have a wonderful, partner as do you by the sound of it, and whenever I get a doubt in my mind I just focus on how much we love each other, Ive stopped being so clingy and to my surprise it actually makes you feel better, makes you value the relationship, you have to be comfortable in your own skin first and begin to realise that things are better than you could ever imagine. 3 and half years on, me and my man are stronger than ever and i trust him completely, I am so glad i straightened out my own head or I could have lost the very thing that I cherish the most in the whole world.
I hope you can somehow relate to what im saying and can maybe take some bits to try and help you, i know its hard ive been there, but I promise it can work!
Take care
x
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A
female
reader, Aunt Audrey +, writes (25 May 2006):
 You admit to having been hurt before and it seems that your fear of the future is a direct consequence of this. You are mentally preparing for the worst to happen so if it does you think by being prepared you won't be so hurt if things go wrong with your relationship this time.
The thing is we all take a risk when embarking on a new relationship, we cannot tell if it will go the distance we have to spend the time finding out. There is nothing to say your current boyfriend is like the last one you had that hurt you, and you have to make a conscious decision to give the guy a chance.
If you find yourself fretting when you are out separatly with your friends, don't take your phone with you, or tell him to call you. By texting or calling him you are setting yourself up,if he doesn't respond straight away you start feeling insecure, but he may not be able to take your call at that point, he may not see the text you sent immediatly, in other words you are winding yourself up for nothing!
Take this new relationship day by day, enjoy the time you spend with your guy and stop worrying, if your relationship fails, then so be it, deal with it when it happens, stop letting the fear of what might be affect your happiness in the present.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, Greavzyboy +, writes (25 May 2006):
Hi.I've been in a relationship for almost a year with the girl of my dreams.She's absolutely beautiful, funny, sweet, and every morning I wake up and feel so lucky just to be with her.She says that she'd never ever hurt me, and so far she never has, nor could I see her doing so. However because I'm in Uni and we don't see each other through the week, I too become a little nervous about what she's doing. As she's so stunning, she gets a lot of attention from guys, texting her, chatting her up in clubs etc. and whilst she's never cheated, I'm scared to death that something's going to go wrong.This insecurity, paranoia and jealousy has caused me to doubt and confront her on two occasions and it might start to threaten our relationship, driving her away.She's pledged her undying love for me and says she wants to get married when the time's right but I'm just waiting for the bubble to burst.My advice, for all it's worth, being in a similar situation, is trust your partner. Innocent until proven guilty. You will only drive him away if you begin to doubt him for no reason.I hope this helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2006): I hate to say this but if you carry on like this you will most probably drive him away and your friends.You have to try to get a grip on the situation before its too late and your fears will become reality.By the sounds of things he sounds as if he is in love with you but any human can only be pushed so far before they snap and that also means if they are in a relationship.Try to find the right time to have a quiet moment together so you can explain all your feelings towards him and the fears you also hold.By doing this it will clear the air and you might be very surprised by his reaction because anybody having these feelings shows you are hooked on this guy.I wouldnt say it is that ab-normal either you love him and you want it to last but as i said carrying on bottleing up these fears will just cause tension so go on have that chat with him (((HUGS)))
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2006): With the attitude that the relationship is doomed to fail somewhere along the line, it will. If you're not thinking positive, why should your boyfriend? As soon as you turn it around, the relationship will be headed in an even better direction. Perhaps you should seek help for your insecurity and trust issues.
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