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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Dear Aunts and Uncles,My husband moved to the USA recently and got an unpaid intern position for about 6 months. At the moment he is staying with his cousin but is looking for a place for himself. Yesterday he's been telling me that he has been looking for rooms (instead of apartments, he claims he found none, or that he cant afford the ones he saw) now all these rooms he's been looking at are leased by females. So he'll be having women as his roommates. I was really surprised he was even considering living with another woman even as roommates. I told him it reallY bothered me and I connot tolerate it. He said i shouldnt worry he'll be busy all the time and wouldn't interact with his roommates much and if he wanted to cheat with someone living under the same roof wouldnt be a requirement. That isnt even the point. I find it really disrespectful that he would consider that and make it sound like its nothing. He would never allow me to have guy roommates and yet he's saying that i am being distrustful. I got into a fight with him over it. He keeps telling me he cant find anything else and that he is running out of time when i know for a fact he has only been looking for two days and not even actively. He's just browsing online. I dont know how to proceed if he insists on renting. I am supposed to go visit (and attend to my own matters in the US) in a couple of months. He said that once i am there he'll figure something out and find a new place once i am there. Am I overreacting? How do i deal with him after making it very clear that it bothers me?
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (10 June 2016):
 To me, this is like the "having close friends of the opposite sex" debate: if he was bisexual, would you not trust him living with anybody? I mean, by your rules, he'd have to live alone.
Him not letting you live with another man would be an issue because it's double standards, but him living with a woman shouldn't be an issue, *if* you trust him.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2016): I don't think he is being truthful. There are plenty of house shares with guys available. Fact is he prefers the idea of sharing with females coz he thinks he is going to get looked after, they are tidier / cleaner / softer and more attractive to be around. Lets just think about this for a minute. Shared bathroom? Fleeting glances across the hallway with a towel wrapped around you. Cooking meals together because it is easier / cheaper etc. Having late night chats in the living room. Oh please. I've house shared in a mixed house and I have seen it with my own eyes. An affair happened within 4 weeks between two of the housemates and it wrecked a marriage. Sorry but it is utterly disrespectful to you. If he knows you are unhappy about it then he should NOT do it. Actually he should not even be considering it anyway. Give him an ultimatum. If he refuses then get yourself a male lodger to stay at yours - extra income, man about the house, DIY genius.... you get the picture. See how he likes that!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 June 2016):
 I see the opinions are divided on this. Personally I think you are overreacting. It's not such a big deal to share a house with members of the opposite gender, it happens all the time im big cities. There may be concerns of time, money and location which prevail over the sex of the roomate as parameters for choice. I think anybody would rather share a large apartment in a nice area with a member of the opposite sex , than a small one in a slum with a same sex person.
The fact of having family that kindly puts you up for a while does not always mean that you can or should take advantage of their hospitality for extended periods of time. I have cousins too in some very touristically desirable locations , but if I had in mind to stay more than few days I would not dream to stay until I possibly wear out my welcome; I'd start looking for my "real " accomodation right away. Also, and I say this based on lots of experience, having moved around quite a bit, home hunting may sound like fun, but for most people is actually a stressful, time consuming, unnerving experience, you don't want to drag it on even if you , technically,have the time. I can understand that if he has found something acceptable in 2 days, he does not want to make it become 20 days just for the sake of having a male room mate.
As for the proximity risk, true- but it depends from him , how trustworthy he is and how likely he has shown himself to succumb to temptation.
Otherwise by the same token you could not even let him work in an office with female colleagues, when in fact at work he would have more time to spend with and more direct interaction with his female colleagues ,than with a female roommate that he may possibly not even ever see as it happens some times with roommates having different schedules.
You do have a point, though , if you are sure he would never allow YOU to share a place with male roommates.
What's good for the gander is good for the goose.
No double standard is acceptable. I think you should simply remember him the " rules ", and that if something is not allowed to you, then it's not allowed to him either.
If he is a reasonable type, he will see your point and won't impose on you what he would never tolerate for himself.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (10 June 2016):
 Unless his cousin is kicking him out or some other inhabitable situation going on under that roof why the need to move? Shared accommodation cant be reason enough if he is willing to move in with others. You can only trust someone up until its all that bit too late. One man- two women IMHO the writing is pretty much on the wall for all sorts of disasters to happen. You don't want to be hearing sometime down the track." It was an accident" "I was drunk" " I was missing you" " it just -HAPPENED" blah blah blah....nope, no way, no how would i be on board with this ridiculous arrangement.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2016): My long-term boyfriend is back in uni and he's moving in with a woman because she happened to be friendly enough to live with. She's nice, but I worry about her past of flirting with people in relationships. However, I completely trust my boyfriend and he doesn't even feel comfortable that she crosses that boundary, so he'd tell her to stop if she ever started flirting with him.
It's not ideal, but do you trust your husband or not?
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (10 June 2016):
 It might be his only option.
I dont know the rental situation where he is, but in Sydney where I live, apartments are hard to get. You take what you can.
Its not like he will be hitting on those women, they will just be like sisters really.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2016): Show this idiot your post and the responses. There are many rentals available all the time. Check craigslist and you will see how many rental options are there. He even can get subtle for few months and mostly in summer time he can easily find one as students and faculties leave, with a cheaper rent and no roommate. . So two days search and he found a female roommate? really? I would get a ticket the next day and come to the US to kick his ass!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2016): He's a married-man and shouldn't even consider living with single females while his wife is in another country. What the hell is wrong with him?
Not only should you object, but you may have to inform him he may have no wife to come home to if he insists on doing it.
Has he no respect for your feelings? Does he fully grasp the boundaries of marriage, and the fact some restrictions apply regarding his interaction with other women?
Honey, he's testing your gullibility and naivete! Maybe even pushing the envelope with every intention of doing it regardless of your objections.
Girlfriend, put your foot-down. Absolutely not! Are you overreacting? Are you kidding?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2016): Listen, he may really believe that it doesn't matter and he he most probably isn't planing on cheating.
But proximity is a funny thing. And one thing can lead to another.
I understand that he's trying to fix his current problem and thinks that you're overreacting. Be cool headed and rational. Instead of sharing with him any possible scenarios that you might have in your head, just remind him that he wouldn't want you to share a flat with guys.
Do not make this an emotional issue, you will always lose. Beat him with his own weapon.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2016): If you don't trust each other around members of the opposite sex, then what are you still doing in this marriage?
Housing and the economy being what they are right now, he found a suitable place and should be expected to take it.
Who cares if his room-mates are men, women or the bloody Thundercats. Believing he will cheat or harping on because of your own insecurities will only serve to push him away and even possibly to the very outcome you want to avoid.
A man CAN live in a sharehouse with the opposite sex and not try to bone everyone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2016): Maybe the only affordable places that he has found so far are with women. I have to say, I am looking in Germany and there are far more flat shares with women coming up than with men for some reason. Also he quite possibly thinks that sharing with a woman will be better because she might end up cleaning up after him and cooking nice food. I wouldn't react badly to this, how about you help him look (online as well). I wouldn't mind at all if my partner shared with a woman or women.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2016): No you are not old fashioned at all. Why is your husband acting like a dumb idiot hes married not single. Just say No!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2016): I think if your husband is the cheating type then he'll cheat whether or not he has female roommates. If he's a decent guy then he won't. The odds of him moving in with a girl hes actually attracted to are probably pretty slim anyway.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2016): The fact that he would not allow you to have male roommates is a double standard so I can understand why you're upset. I would ask why he can't seem to find a hiuse with male roommates which I find suspicious, how about you go and google for places in the area he's going and see what's available to help him find somewhere you're both happy with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2016): NO, you are NOT over reacting.
Your husband should NEVER be considering this option.
Let him find MALE room mates.
Where there is smoke, there is fire.
When you do not place yourself in the position to begin with, then you are not going to find yourself in a position that you should never have been in to begin with.
Simple.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (9 June 2016):
 This is awkward to answer because it really comes down to whether you trust your husband. Your attitude might be considered a little old fashioned. However you know him better than we do so... how likely is it he will stray? All I can suggest is you get over there and help him find something which you both consider suitable.
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