A
female
age
30-35,
*arahb
writes:Ok i need honest objective advice. I'm 24 years old and been with my boyfriend for just over a year. It's a fairly good relationship - aside for some trust issues. Over the past year my boyfriend has lied to me - about big things and little things. I've given him several chances (over 10). He has admitted he has a tendency to "bend the truth". Whenever confronted, his reasons are he's scared of me getting angry, and scared of hurting my feelings. He said he's just trying to keep me happy. No matter how much we talk and i try to make me seem like a calm safe person that he can be honest with, he continues to lie and make the same excuses. He doesn't understand how lying can damage trust and our relationship. He says things like "i only ever tell lies about little things, i would NEVER lie about cheating". He doesn't understand that if i can't trust him about "little things" then how on earth do i trust him when it comes to anything else?Anyway I'm pretty practiced in recognising lies and becoming a detective (much to my dislike). So a few days ago when he lied to my face over and over again, i packed all my stuff and left. We talked on the phone during the 24 hours i was gone, mostly about how he has to stop lying to me and how sorry he is. When i returned home to try and start over, after he promised he understood that importance of trust. I got home first, got on the computer to check my emails. I saw that he'd looked at porn on 3 separate occasions since i'd left. Just quickly my thoughts on porn: i made if clear right from when we started dating that i did not agree with porn. He agreed to this - if he had a problem he could have brought it up with me then but he never has. I have provided him with pictures, videos of myself. It is a personal preference that i do not date men who watch porn, based on my previous relationship with a porn addict so please no porn bashers here. I made it clear at the beginning of our relationship, no one forced him to agree to it. It is not about the porn anyway, it is about the trust - porn i can forgive, lying is much harder. So i thought i'd give him a chance to come clean on his own. Given what happened i genuinely thought he may have changed like he promised. When he got home i was nice and asked him if he watched porn. He said no, he continued to lie for hours and HOURS. I kept asking and assuring him i wouldn't get angry but i needed the truth. Eventually i revealed i already knew - he tried to delete his history but he's not very computer savvy. He lied for hours, to my face, about something he knew would hurt me. His excuse was that he thought we'd broken up and he was scared of making things worse than they already are. He also said he was sad and lonely and trying to get me back for leaving (even though i'd done nothing wrong). I don't know what to do, there is no point in talking anymore because i can't believe anything he says. I get that it can be hard for guys to admit stuff like that but i can only buy that excuse for so long..
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2012): Why is it that men just dont get we women just dont want them watching other women please themselves and/or other women. That to me is very close to having an affair. Those women have no self worth and dont care that what they are doing, can ruin so many marriages. It is not right that you think it is ok to be looking at other womens vagina's....
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (8 February 2012):
 It's really a pity that you told all our anti-porn aunts to stay away, they do have suggestions and advice that might help... you don't like the advice to leave, your not happy about my working with porn stance and you don't want anti-porn views....
It's very difficult to give you the best advice to help you.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (8 February 2012):
Thanks for your follow up. I'm going to choose my words more carefully, because you seem like a woman who needs that.
He lies about drugs, but you don't worry much about that, porn to you is more important.
He manages to go without porn for a whole year, so he's not even slightly addicted and he's not an addict, and is not somebody who is very interested in pornography.
Your last boyfriend was an addict, this one isn't but still you get upset and worried.
It seemed that he looked at porn only when you left, and he didn't touch it before this.
I don't think porn is the issue personally.. but no I can't guarantee he will never look again. If you intend to be with him until the day you die, he might look at it every 10years or so. If you have really can't stand porn in your relationship, then I suggest you leave him for good and don't go back.
The other lies, drugs and things (and I can imagine what drug he uses that doesn't bother you much) They are similar to porn, and he likes the drugs better than porn. Again don't trust him never to use them or never to lie again over such things. He can't promise that, he will use them and because he knows you'll be upset, he will lie again to avoid you leaving.
I suggest you have your standards, you know the type of man you want. It's hard to find a porn free man, a man that goes without porn for a year and then uses it because he's alone is a very low user and probably will give up or his usage won't be noticeable. The drug thing, nope, he uses and will continue to use until he himself decides to give up. Otherwise it'll be him promising, him breaking promises, you getting angry, you going back, him making promises again..... cycle, rinse and repeat.
Leave him if you can't accept such things, but it's impossible to change people, and half the time it's a struggle to change ourselves. It does sound, over the porn, he is willing to meet you half way, just as you are trying to accommodate him with pictures... But that may not be enough if you can't accept porn usage in anyway.
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A
female
reader, sarahb +, writes (6 February 2012):
sarahb is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses..
@Miamine.. i just wanted to clear up that all the times he has lied have been about other things - never about porn. This is the first time he's watched it & lied about it in a year. I know this for a fact, like i said he's not very computer savvy. Also when he does look me in the eye and tells me the truth i can tell. So i do know this for a fact. The other 10 times have been about, drugs mostly (which i disapprove of but not as strongly as porn), and stupid things like borrowing my car and things he tells his friends.
Secondly, i was gone for not even 24 hours. And he didn't have a painful erection, it was the following morning & he did it 3 times because: he was sad & lonely, just for the 'hell of it' & because he was angry at me for leaving. 3 times in one morning is a bit excessive - he said he wasn't even horny. He thinks we were broken up. And it's not like I'm controlling. I've always said i don't care how often he relieves himself, as long as it's done without the use of pornography. He has me, my material or his imagination. He agreed to this, i didnt force him.
@Honeypie, yes i do get something out of it because aside from the trust issues lately, it is the best relationship i've ever had. I've been in about 4 long term relationships, all having major trust issues (worse than this - including cheating, lying and porn addiction). I am very much in love with my boyfriend and i really don't want to leave, that's why i posted this question because i want a way forward. I do believe in my heart that he wouldn't cheat on me but i still need to trust him when it comes to everything else. I do admit that i can be a bit scary when i lose it, but I'm trying to change & i expect him to as well.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 February 2012):
Honest and Objective is me middle name... but a lot of people don't actually want honesty, they want confirmation for their own beliefs.
Your boyfriend lies.. about "little things", over 10 times you said. Nope he's lied more, he lies when he say's you look wonderful in the morning with your bad hair and your bad breath. He lies when he says no other woman is as beautiful as you, I know he lies, because you aint famous and in the movies. We all tell little white lies, if we didn't there would be a lot of upset people and lots of fights. People who don't tell little lies are called psychopaths and are usually under a doctors care or are in prison. Porn lies come under this category.
Now, we got that out the way, I'm not gonna insult your intelligence, I can see from your post that your a very clear thinking woman.
You have a dislike of porn due to experience. You explained this to him from the start. You and him made a contract to have no porn in the relationship. Because you are aware that many men need visual stimulation to help with masturbation and arousal, as a compromise you have provided him with sexual images of yourself that he can use. Very, very fair and understanding.
One little problem though.. men also like variety in their images... that's why for this guy, he still returns to porn.
Many men lie about porn, they feel they have to because their girlfriend will either leave or continue to get upset. I'm not saying if they are wrong or right.. I'm only telling you that this is what many men do. Ton's of women will swear their guy hates porn, no he doesn't, he just looks at it at work or in his car or somewhere that you can't see.
Not all men are like this, some can't be bothered with porn and can easily give up. But most men will try to lie about porn if caught by a woman who hates it.
Anyway.... You told him your dislike of porn. He promised you he could handle your rules. He can't. He's broke the contract 10 times or more, and I'd bet you a lot of money he will break it again and again. There is no changing, he's a guy who likes porn and will continue to use it, and will lie about it if caught.
Why does he lie.. because he really can't say.. "baby I know you hate porn, but I absolutely love it, and even though I want to give up now, in another month I'll be back using it and loving it again. Yes I loved your pictures and video's, but after a couple of months looking at them, I got a little bit bored and was dying to see something different".... that would hurt and upset you, he thinks. Just like you can't read the same book over and over again, and you can't watch the same movie over and over again. If your using pornography or even erotica/romance books like me.. you need a little variety.
And no that doesn't mean variety when it comes to sex, sex is not entertainment, sex is different. Porn users can easily remain faithful and not cheat.
What now... don't ever trust him when he says he doesn't watch porn, always assume that he will lie about this issue, and only this issue, porn lies as I explained are like "little white lies".
You hate porn, he likes it, you've tried your best to divert him, it doesn't work for him. Don't forgive someone 10 times for lying, that makes a nonsense of any threats. Either you find a way to tolerate it, (usually by telling him to keep it very well hidden, or only use it when your far away, or use it somewhere else and not in your house) or you leave.
You weren't even in the house, he was on his own alone, there was no woman there to give him relief. So he looked at porn and your upset.. but what was he supposed to do? Go out and find a woman to have sex with, or go to sleep with a painful errection, when he has porn freely available. It's one thing not to expect a man to look at porn when your around, but to demand that he's not to look at porn when you've left him.... that's slightly controlling.
There is no way to force a man to give up porn. If he's tried to stop but continues and lies about it, assume he will always lie and will always use porn. (until he's very old and it becomes boring).
Do not stay with a porn loving guy and expect him to change. If the issue is very important to you, then you must end the relationship. No matter how he begs and cries, do not believe him, he will look at porn again, maybe not this year, maybe not next year, but he will look again and you'll feel hurt and betrayed.
Sorry.... he'd be more truthful about his porn usage if you didn't hate it so much and he wasn't so afraid that you'd leave him. As far as he is concerned, he has no other option but to lie.
And no, he's not a porn addict as the anti-porn people would like you to believe, his behaviour sounds very normal. You don't like porn, he does... unfortunately it's difficult make people like what you like and behave as you want.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 February 2012):
 He keeps lying because no matter what you still come back and forgive him.
Once the trust is gone in a relationship, other things starts to die. Like faith, love and respect.
He says he is scared of hurting you with the truth, honey, he isn't 5 years old! Scared of you? He SHOULD know by now that being lied to is 100 times worth then the truth. He lies because he thinks he can get away with it, that simple. That is not something that will stop.
Why do you keep playing his game? You must get something out of it.
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A
male
reader, gundam007 +, writes (5 February 2012):
It sounds like he has some serious issues, but it sounds like you do, as well. You've already admitted to bringing in issues from past relationships, so no trying to get away from that one! It sounds like he is feeling a snowball of emotional debt. He cares very deeply for doing the right thing and setting things straight, but feels a heavy burden on himself to make everything right. Does he have unstable relationships in his life or past? His parents, maybe? He's trying to do the right thing, but doesn't know how. You've told him he can trust you and tell you anything, but when he's constantly under "tests" that he can fail (already proven by you leaving), where's the motivation, when there's even a slim chance that he can make things right if he could just get by without things being "messed up?" First, no more tests. Practice forgiveness. Instead of hiding the truth and pestering him to admit it, tell him what you know, and tell him how you feel, then forgive him. To protect yourself and your interests, make sure he understands how you feel, and that it hurts, but that there are no other consequences. If you have the patience, it will take time to get rid of old insecurities, but since you both have your own issues, I highly recommend learning what other resources are available to you if you hit a wall where your insecurities clash with his.
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