A
female
age
36-40,
*wanLake
writes:Dear Cupid.Please help. I am driving myself crazy.I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years and I love him so so so much, but I am absolutely obsessed with his height. I am 5ft 9.5", and he is about 1-1.5" taller. Yet whenever we are out I am always checking our reflections in shop windows to check that I'm not taller than him; I never wear anything other than the flattest shoes; I constantly slouch or lean on one leg. I get annoyed with him if he wears flat sneakers instead of his brogues/other smart shoes that have about an inch heel.I don't know why I torture myself with this, but I always think people are looking at us funnily. Or I'm worried I don't find him attractive enough because he's not taller. Part of the problem is that he is half Japanese and therefore has quite a slim build and narrow shoulders, plus he exercises a lot to stay fit. I realize this is a good thing, but I would prefer to feel smaller by comparison because it makes me feel more feminine. I am constantly dieting so I don't let myself get bigger than him. He is actually very handsome and wonderful and I hate myself for being so shallow. I really do not want to mess up what I have but I feel it is ruining my relationship. It is all I can think about when we are out. If the pavement slopes slightly to one side, I always make sure I am walking on the downward part.He is very understanding and knows how I feel, which makes me feel worse. I do quite like the fact that we are equals, but I can't help but wish we conformed to the social norm. He loves high heels and would love me to wear them, but there's no way I feel I would be able to.I spend hours each day Googling celebrity couples who are the same height to try and make myself see sense. I thought it would get better, but after 4 years I am more obsessed than ever.I am so sick of feeling like this but I just cannot stop obsessing. Please please please help me. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, doublejack  +, writes (26 October 2011):
SwanLake, if it makes you feel any better I am a couple inches shorter than my ex, who I was with for over 10 years. She is 5'10" and I'm about 5'8". During all the time we were together, her being taller than I am was never an issue. Nobody ever said anything about it, we didn't get any funny looks, etc.
I think it all comes down to being secure with yourself and your relationship. If the two of you are happy, then that is what people will notice... not that you are almost as tall as your boyfriend. Besides, even if they notice, it simply doesn't matter!
Best of luck!
A
female
reader, SwanLake +, writes (26 October 2011):
SwanLake is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your replies. CindyCares I think you are right on the mark with (2). When we are alone together I really don't care about his height, it's only when we are with other people. I can admit I am a very insecure person and always seek validation from others.
You are all so right that it makes no difference in life. I just need to find a way to get this into my head. Starting today I am just going to try to let it go: no more staring at reflections, no more slouching, no more googling celebrity heights! I think it will take a while and the anxiety will always be there... I have had people suggest OCD to me in the past, but if I do have it a bit it is only mild. Hopefully I will be able to get over this without counselling.
I know he is the one for me and I will not let this get in the way of our relationship. Most of all, I don't want to project my insecurities onto him.
Thank you all so much for your comments. It really helped me to understand just how ridiculous I am being!
SwanLake
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 October 2011):
 You are obsessing. And if you keep feeding the obsession it will get worse. Next thing you now you're looking into surgery to become shorter, or buying him platforms. Or refusing to stand next to him in photos.
What to do then? Here it comes. When people are afraid of something the only way to get rid of that fear is to confront it. Star wearing heels. Star standing up straight. Let him wear his flat shoes and stand next to him. Wear your heels and stand next to him, look down at him and kiss him.
And continue to embrace yours and his height for the remaining time. Your obsession about this will go away and you'll feel a lot better about things.
I know how you feel, ok, I know where you're coming from. All women want to be the feminine one. But being feminine is not about being smaller and shorter or thinner or more fragile. Find better sources of femininity. Wear skirts. Wear heels. Add cute flowers to your hair. Do your nails. Feel feminine and be feminine, and his height wont matter at all.
I sometimes feel like an amazon because I am taller than most girls, and often taller than the guys. In addition I love to wear heels, and do not plan to stop wearing my heels for any man. Femininity and masculinity is not measured only in height or size.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 October 2011):
 Two possibilities :
- you are not really attracted to your boyfriend, and you feel you SHOULD be because he's such a great guy . You settled for somebody that it's not your type physically, but you feel it's " shallow" not liking him based ONLY on his personality .
You call yourself shallow, and people will say you are shallow, but, shallow or not, it is what it is. People like what they like, they are sexually attracted , or not, by certain physical qualities, and there's no " should " which changes that. I am not particularly superficial, nor particularly picky about looks, I have kept my deal breakers to a slim minimum , but yes , I know I can't really get into the guy if there's one of my physical pet peeves.
2) You ARE really attracted to your Bf and personally you don't care about his height, but you are an insecure person with a strong need for outside validation , therefore always anxious to " do the right thing " and conform to group/social expectations. If you don't, you feel inadequate, it makes you antsy .
I don't know if in your case this problem is so strong to require counseling, it's up to you to assess it. If, beside feeling embarassed by your boyfriend 's height, you do other stuff like always doubting your judgement, having trouble making decisions, not standing up for yourself, being a people pleaser at all costs,... maybe you should seek specialized help for that.
Otherwise, you can simply chew on this : everybody judges, people are judgemental by nature, finding faults in other people is sort of a hobby or passtime for lots of people, and does not necessarily mean they are wicked or evil. It's a human weakness. Accept that you can't please them all, and you DON'T HAVE TO.
There will always be something questionable in what you do , say, wear , etc, to the eyes of somebody's else. You may get a taller bf, and find out that people think you should be slimmer or drive a better car or buy a bigger house or wear different clothes etc.etc. and the list of etc. never ends.
What do you care, basically ? Are you going to let friends or acquaintances or ,even worse, perfect strangers decide about what you should really want need and like ? No, I hope. That would be insane. You are an adult, you KNOW what you want need and like , you don't need to be told or get a seal of approval. If people don't like to see a tall girl with a short guy ( but I doubt they ever give a damn about it !) ..it's their problem, not yours.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (26 October 2011):
I suspect you don't truely love this guy. If you did, you'd accept his height. In fact, it would be one of the quirky things that causes you to love him.
I wonder if you've just not got the courage to admit that he is not the right guy for you. Perhaps?
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (26 October 2011):
 I can certainly understand the need to feel smaller and more feminine than your partner. I think it's perfectly normal for women to feel and think this way, especially since you're a tall lady. But reading your post makes me think you're feeling guilty because you don't find his height attractive, nor is it something you prefer.
Have you always dated taller men in the past? Do you feel less attracted to your current boyfriend because of his height? Do you see him as less of a man because he is short? If you answered yes to these questions, you need to let this man go and find someone, who you're physically more attracted to. Sure it may seem shallow, but if you're not attracted to the person you're with and all you can think about is his small stature, it's a serious problem. You may love his personality, but if his height bothers you this much, it should be a deal breaker. You're driving yourself crazy and giving this man a complex.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2011): you are right: what you are doing is shallow. You need to either accept him and LOVE him for who he is, or let him go. It is not fair to him to have placed all his trust in someone who is more concerned about what other people think, than hurting those close to her...
What if you got into a car accident and were disfigured? What if he did? True love rises above those things. Would you?
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 October 2011):
 SwanLake.... take several deep breaths and repeat after me:
"What the heck difference does it make what are our heights....."
Once again: "What the heck difference does it make what are our heights....."
And again...."What the heck difference does it make what are our heights....."
Keep doing this for a couple of hours and MAYBE it will sink in that this makes NO DIFFERENCE in life!!!!!!
Good luck.... (... and be sure to exhibit good posture!!!!)
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (26 October 2011):
 Why does it matter so much to you that be shorter than him? No one else cares even a little bit. Look at Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Nicole Kidman and anyone she's ever been with. No one else cares if you're the same height or taller than him. I think you really need to go talk to a therapist because this level of insecurity is far beyond healthy.
That you would actually consider breaking up with a great guy because YOU'RE tall is ridiculous. No one is looking at you and thinking anything at all. Being tall can be a wonderful thing. It usually makes you seem more confident and taller people usually get a higher salary.
This isn't an issue of shallow, this is an issue of insecurity. You've only described worrying about this because of how other people perceive you, not because of how you perceive him when you're alone. I think you should consider therapy to try worrying less about what other people think of your appearance.
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