A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HiI have been with my boyfriend for 7 months now. We have spent almost every night together for the past 4 months and he more or less lives at my house with myself and my child.He sends me love notes and love bears and tells me almost every second of the day that he wants me forever and loves me millions.I want to live happily ever after but his past haunts me.I just cannot get it out of my head that he had a long term relationship with a 14 year old child when he was a grown man of 23. She moved in with him and his parents at 14 and he thinks this is normal as her mother threw her out. I wonder why??? she was seeing grown men and frequenting clubs and bars! Every time I ask him about how this child could live with him legally and how did he get away with it, he shouts at me. He did not want me to know but I found out by accident how old she really was when she moved into his parents home. I said surely she was not even sexually experienced and he gave me a look that creeped me out and said oh but she was!I have a step daughter from my children's dad who is the same age as his ex! It makes me feel physically sick that he allowed this child to have a commited relationship and live together and she left school at 15 to be with him when he worked away. He should have walked away and let her be a child. He says he is the same person as he was back then. He has slept with hundreds of women before and after her so he did stop his sex addiction with strangers. (I hope)His morals are very wrong and she will always be around as they have children together. I want to end it with him as this has dominated my thoughts and making me feel I am going mad.Close friends of mine have told me they think he is a paedophile and that I have a child to think about. That word is a bit harsh but they do not like him for what he did. I told them that a long time has passed but they tell me that time does not change what he did.Every time I try to end it he butters me up and we carry on for another month or so then I lose the plot again and tell him I cannot live with the thoughts of his immoral illegal past.So - I ask myself....why am I with him????? because when we are together it feels right and comfortable and I have never been loved like this before.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2011): Hi - not logged in but I am the original posterI just had a message on my landline from his ex. She told me to look up the word paedophile..said that she was not raped - she was 14 and had permission to be with him and that she has 'worked' with the police and it was not a 'crime' She got very angry and said that I was making a serious accusation toward him????? and that if I have issues then to carry them around my own house and not in front of her children. She said...any more of this and she would travel down and....well some sort of threat I guess.They have packed up all their belongings and he has taken his children back to their mother.I should not have lost the plot in front of all the children - I regret that. She text him and said now she is going to have to explain to their young children what a paedophile and a rapist is because they heard me say it. She told him to get his kids away from me (referring to me as 'that b**ch') What a mess....
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (30 October 2011):
 In a way what happened is good. Since him being a rapist was not enough to make you give him his walking papers,maybe you'll draw the line now at physical abuse ?..
I would still be curious to know if your child is a girl, and of which age.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 October 2011):
 Let this be the final nail in the coffin then. And press charges on him hitting you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell...We got together the 'family' his kids and mine tonight - a halloween pary lots of fun fancy dress etc...We got back to my house a few hours ago..I somehow let rip..he punched me in the jaw...the kids came into the room..got upset...he called his ex.I exploded and told her what I thought about the whole situation! she shouted down the phone to get her kids out of my house and the situation!A few moments later...we had the law at my door...due to a disturbance... my partner was arrested... my jaw is throbbing because he punched me! we had police all over the house! 'because the neighbour had complained'....he is in a cell because he punched me...neighbours called them...kids have beem calmed down and asleep now but the police say he did nothing wrong because nobody said he committed a crime??????we are waiting for them to release him... my jaw aches! from him punchin him whilst he phoned his 28yr old ex???? I the police say... have to look after his children til he is released????
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2011): Do not trust him around your children if they are female.
He thinks its okay to sleep with a 14 year old? take her clubbing with him? he still thinks its ok now by looking at girls that age...so young and yes they may look older and try act mature but we all know they are all far from that. That why there are laws, to protect these young girls.
I tell your child that you have split up with him and it for his/her own safety.
I have a daughter and I could not be with a man with a past like that
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (29 October 2011):
He's right, it wasn't RAPE, but it was STATUTORY RAPE. Don't he see the difference? She wasn't old enough to consent even if HE thinks she was. This isn't about how he judged her, this is about how he judges the law, really. She wasn't legally allowed to consent to a sexual relationship. The fact that she came from an abusive home also puts this into a special situation. Because she came from an abusive home she's more likely to accept continued abuse. Abuse in the form of sexual abuse for instance. And with him living under the same roof as her she didn't really have a place to go did she. He effectively had her trapped. Now, the mind of a 14 year old, and the mind of a girl who's lived in an abusive home, might think this is totally fine. But an older man, or the adults in this situation, should have known it wasn't.
I'm going right from the book here:
"In summary, a man who is considerably older that the girl is likely to be prosecuted, especially if he owed her a duty of care; whereas it may not be necessary to prosecute a young man with whom the girl has been having a consensual relationship."
"The prosecution has to prove that (A) knew or could reasonably be expected to know that (s)he was in a position of trust to (B). Positions of trust are defined in section 21 and 22 (e.g. looking after persons in educational establishments, residential settings, or where duties involve regular unsupervised contact of children in the community). "
Everything I'm posting in here is from this website:
http://www.cps.gov.uk/legal/s_to_u/sexual_offences_act/#Abuse_of_position
"Familial child sex offences
These offences reflect the modern family unit and take account of situations where someone is living within the same household as a child and assuming a position of trust or authority over that child, as well as relationships defined by blood ties, adoption, fostering, marriage or living together as partners."
There are so many things he could have gotten charged with.. his parents as well.
If the government had gotten a sniff at it she'd be removed from their home, and they would have been taken to court. He, and his parents, were her care-takers. That affects the situation. She coming from an abusive home also alters the case. This isn't about a young girl and older boy in love, this is about a girl from an abusive home being put into the home where there is an older boy who then seduces her, and the parents allowing it. He had responsibility for her as she lived in his home. She was dependent on him. And that's why it for example is illegal for teachers to get involved with students, no matter their age or consent. This could have been argued as illegal even if she was 16.
You can just tell him that you are sorry, but you can't respect the decision he made and that he still stands for these decisions. You think it was not only immoral of him, but also it was illegal, and you simply can't be with him because of this. If they have a great relationship then that's wonderful, and you are happy that things turned out ok, but just because things turned out ok doesn't mean what he did, and what his parents allowed, was ok. It goes against your morals and values. If you stay with him that means you have accepted his actions, and you can't.
Let him move on to find someone who thinks that having sex with a 14 year old when you are 23 is ok, while she lived in his house practically as a sister, and his parents who should have been her guardians allowed it to happen.
You need to do what feels right for YOU, and not what others tell you to do. You aren't feeling like this is acceptable.
And if your child grows easily attached to others, wait a bit longer next time before you invite someone to your home.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (29 October 2011):
Your child is upset and wants them ( his children ) here.... you are really climbing on mirrors in order not to face reality, aren't you, OP ?
Your child, btw... is she a female child , by any chance ? How old ?
"It's not statutory rape because she consented "? The point is exactly that she was under the age of consent, so her consent was not valid !
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou chigirl
It disturbs the hell out of me too.
I have asked how his parents could have brought her up as they both lived hundreds of miles away from one another and his parents went to her town to collect her as her mother had thrown her on the streets. So - they brought her up as their daughter whilst he carried on the relationship with her. It seems a bit sick to me but he says that I was not there and I will never understand what happened.I do not understand how this could have happened legally/financially, he says he cannot remember and is not my business. He saved her from an abusive life, she had grown up in mind and body and they loved one another. She went back to her home town with her new family last year and had a leaving party - thanked his parents for taking her in and apparantly there were a lot of people/friends she had made over the years there. He is well liked and because he says 'he is a nice person not a monster' people did not think bad of him. He worked in clubs and took her along with him...that is not the life of a 14yr old. She should have been studying, he said she thought school was not for her so left...it is all messed up to me, but she is happy with her new life and I have met her. No harm has come to her and she seems to not have any regrets but is grateful for having his children and is still friends with him. (this is before I knew how young she really is/was) I have told my children, one has grown up and left home the way I feel about his past but they say, I have finally found someone who treats me right and to forget the past. His past not mine they say.
I have told him about the statatory rape label - he said she consented, and it was not rape as they loved one another.
He keeps calling me and wants to bring his kids here to stay and my child is upset and wants them here.
Thankyou chigirl for your input
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (28 October 2011):
According to the lawy she was a minor. Doesn't matter if HE didn't think she looked like one or acted like one. And he should have been old enough to not have sex with her.
While taking her in and living with her is one thing, and ok not bad in itself although questionable, having SEX with her was illegal. Doesn't matter if he thinks she looked older or if she acted older, it doesn't friggin matter. She wasn't older. She was under age. And he didn't care.
So he didn't go looking for a 14 year old, but he sure as hell didn't respect or understand the fact that she WAS 14, even if she didn't look like it. The fact that he STILL doesn't see this as a problem shows to me that this is not something "from his past", but a way of thinking he very much still has to this very day. He'd do it again. He doesn't regret it. In this case, why should his past not be important, as he STILL thinks and feel the same way as he did back then?
I feel disturbed by this. It feels like a waste since you want to be happy and have a great relationship, but he's the one ruining things for himself, not you. He's not leaving you with much of an option when he doesn't even see why this is wrong.
If you really want to give him a second chance then at least terminate the relationship and carry on meeting you outside of your home, and communicate and talk only. Talk these things through. If he understands the fault he did, if he UNDERSTANDS the law and the meaning of "statutory rape", and actually shows remorse, then perhaps he's a better man now.
However it doesn't sound like he is willing to admit that he committed statutory rape. If he can't own up to his actions... then I don't see a reason why you should keep him around.
And yes, here in Norway to you go to jail for that sort of thing, and it goes on your record and you can't work as a teacher or with children if you have it on your record. It's serious, and he's acting like it isn't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for your input
He says he did not know she was only 14 when they met in an adult environment. He used to go and stay with her and her mum and the mum never told him how old she was. He says it was after a few months she admitted her real age. He says he did not go 'looking' for a 14yr old....she looked in her twenties. He said she would have lived on the streets if he did not take her in to his parents home (his parents in my opinion should never have allowed this! he had a go at me for 'slagging' off his parents) He says it was a long time ago and has just phoned crying 'dont finish with me because of my past...you love me and we have a good relationship' he says this is not a good enough reason to end the relationship after being so happy for the past 7 months..but really...I am not happy because I do not want these thoughts in my head any longer - it is driving me around the bend! He shouted 'How dare you accuse me of not being safe around your child - I was not sleeping with a child, she had a grown up body and mind! I have a lot of his belongings here and do not want to see him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2011): This is so wrong and I would not trust him around your children. If she was abused and sleeping around, he should not taken advantage of that and taken her in as his lover. He wanted to mould her into what he wanted.
Funny how now she's with a man her own age and if she did not have children with him she can take him to court for child abuse
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2011): You say u Hope he has got rid of his sex addiction? Really your heart and then answer that question.This is Not ancient times so he cannot say being with a 14 year old was normal.Yup I agree he cannot be That good in bed !!!! When do u finally end it? When u have concrete proof ? By then hun its going to be too late. The other Aunts have given u excellent advice, the choice is now whether u want/need to do the right thing. Oh and listen to your friends. Their theory is not totally incorrect.Don't become like some women where their spouse/partner rapes their kid and these women still choose to be with the rapist. ( Perhaps a harsh comparison but we are dealing with a harsh reality here) LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, Red Green 0289  +, writes (28 October 2011):
deal breaker, relationship ender.. right there. You have a child, end it, and protect your child.Any 23 year old that has sex with a 14 year old deserves to be horse whipped and then put in jail where he can become a sex toy for someone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your inputShe was 19 when their first was born, then early twenties. They split when she was 23 but remain good friends. She has married someone of her own age and they have children together.I just cannot get these thoughts out of my head...when I hear music from 1982 when I myself was a schoolgirl, she was just born...when I hear or see the number 14 it seems to make me think of her. I feel I am going mad and want the thoughts to go away. I look at 14yr old girls and try and imagine them living with a man - it makes me shudder..There are photos in frames of them when they first got together at his parents home. She looked in her twenties but I know she was only 15 at the time.He says she had to grow up because of her abusive upbringing but then I think that taking her in and having sexual relations is abuse, he says they were in love and wanted to be together.I have asked him to stay away for a while but he is heartbroken and his children want to come and stay as they have grown attached to my family.This is the danger of meeting someone online...you do not know their history/background and do not know people they know...a very dangerous place that I will not be venturing to find a partner again.
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A
female
reader, ShiShisAdvice +, writes (27 October 2011):
 You cannot be serious that you allow this man around your child!! In America we have a website for sex offenders, because that is what he is. It post their pictures. Put your child first in this situation...No one is THAT good in bed to endanger your child. He is a predator!! That is what they do. They are A-1 charmers. But women have INTUITION and yours is telling you something, so USE it! Change the locks on your door, and your phone number. What will really creep you out is when he INSIST on you leaving your child in his care. And if you do not, it means you don't "trust" him. Don't use your child as bargaining chips. Toss this one in the trash where he belongs.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (27 October 2011):
How old was she when he got her pregnant?
This is disturbing. Even worse than when an ex of mine told me his first time was at 14 with his cousin. Some things you wish you never knew...! Then again, once the truth is out you got to deal with it.
I say this is a deal breaker. It's ok to have done stupid things at a young age, but she was illegal, and he was old enough to know a lot better. This speaks volumes of his morals and ethics and respect for the law.
I don't know if I could live with this either. Maybe some woman can, maybe he can get back with this 9 year younger ex of his who he has children with, as she approves of it (despite it being statutory rape and she couldn't legally agree to it).
I don't know, he might be the greatest of guys right now, but you've only known him 7 months. Most people act great the first 6 months or so and then after 7 months to a year they start to reveal who they truly are. His unwillingness to even see the problem here says a lot, as well as his thinking this sort of thing is normal and ok. I don't know.. I think it'd bother me too much to want to be with him. I don't think I would be able to respect him or see him as my equal knowing this. I see this as something that might only be a slight problem now, but will grow into a mess later on. Especially when he was sneaky about it and didn't want you to know her real age, as well as not being willing to talk about it or understanding the seriousness of it.
I just think I wouldn't respect him and wouldn't trust him and wouldn't be comfortable with him. Imagine when your child grows up, does he know the lines, does he understand where the limit goes? I'd hate to think about him being alone with a minor, to be honest... If a man doesn't respect the law then what can you expect of him? I don't know if he'd ever do the exact same thing again as he is much older now, but you never know. They say once a cheater always a cheater. Once a liar always a liar. Once someone who has committed statutory rape.... Always someone who can do to again.
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (27 October 2011):
 A 23 year old should not be dating or having a sexual relationship with a 14 year old, whether they are a man or a woman. If your close friends think he is a pedophile, you should consider they opinion. Unlike you, I don't think it's a harsh label - it's a very accurate one in the eyes of the law. If you think it's harsh, what would you call it? How would you justify it? And the fact that he has not expressed any guilt or acknowledged that pursuing a relationship with 14 year old was a mistake is a major second red flag.
You're a mother with a child. I suggest you cut the ties with this man, no matter what he does and says to entice you back. Your child's safety precedes your own romantic interests. I don't mean to be rude, but the fact that you're letting a strange man stay at your house after knowing him for 3 months - a house you share with your CHILD is ludicrous. The fact that you know of his past and you're allowing him to share your space still is even crazier. Yes, he may not be a pedophile, but how can you risk your own child's safety if there is a remote possibility that he is? This isn't about you anymore and how loved you feel. That type of thinking is completely selfish and irresponsible. If your friends are telling you to break it off and protect your child, you need to listen to them. What if God forbid something were to happen? Could you live with yourself knowing that you foolishly placed it in such circumstances because "you've never been loved like this"? I don't think so.
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