A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship with the same man for over 5 years. Very early on he told me he had a 3some with his then wife and her friend who was also their married neighbour. This continues to bother me.What bothers me is there must have been a lot of positive anticipation as he 1) watched them together knowing his "turn" was coming 2) looking down at two women performing oral sex on him and 3) knowing his wife was watching him as he entered their neighbour. All this must have been so pleasureable for him that his excitement must have been huge. I felt I could never give him a high like that so sexually I deliberately did less with him than I was able to because of this. Mostly my sexual efforts with him have been deliberately mediocre punctuated with times of getting out of 2nd gear. Have I done wrong?Are women who can take on a 3some (FFM) more confident, skilled and desireable to men that those of us who can't? What about afterwards? Do the couple stand at the front door and wave "bye bye" to the woman who made up the 3some as if she had just popped in for coffee and a chat?
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his ex, neighbour, oral sex, threesome Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2011): there is a lot of difference between "a" threesome, or even a few in a specific moment of one's life, and threesome as a lifestyle or as a main desire - one of my blind dates, I found in the website he answered "yes" at least twenty questions about threesomes, such as "are you willing to travel far for a threesome?", "would you have a threesome with people you don't know" "with people you know" "with people you are related to" (!) "with colleagues" etc you see the point.
What I mean is that if it is in the past then it is in the past, unless he made any hints about it, so why give him second class sex for five (5?!) years only because he did that some times in the past?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2011): OK, well, my bf knows about my threesomes and he isnt bothered. I dont know what distinguishes him from you but he is not a jealous person. Does he love me? Yes. And he is not possessive. If he had done the same, i would be interested and I would not feel insecure.
It's down to you now what you decide to do. I feel abit sorry for you that you feel this way and i'm genuinely surprised as to some of the feedback you have had.
Does he know that you feel this way? Have you ever thought about how that might make him feel, to know that you judge him so harshly? To be honest, you will probably split up as it sounds like you cant handle it. Have you thought about having some counselling around this issue? They can help you identify and unconscious reasons why this is bothereing you so much, like childhood issues or insecurities. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIf I could figure out why I feel so inadequate about his 3some then I would know what I had to deal with but I can't figure it out. It's very possible that deep down I think he would want to do it again. That won't ever happen with me and he knows it. The neighbour was already having a lesbian affair with his wife and I can't understand how it went from two bi-sexual women to a 3some. How does that happen? He did say that he would have done it again but he was never given the chance to.Yes, this makes me feel insecure and my feelings of insecurity over his 3some have robbed me of living the life I want to with him. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2011): OK, yeah, fair point, from a man's point of view, sex with two women probably is the ultimate fantasy, and it's a fantasy that most men do not get to fulfil in a lifetime. Which is anither reason why you should not worry about it, because he has done it he probably wont be itching to do it again?
That's how I feel, I've done it, no desire to do it again. And personally I prefer sex with one person at a time.
You say you are different to yuor partner, that needs to be okay. It is okay. I really think you have very little to worry about here and you should stop torturing yourself. Do you think that possibly deep down you feel insecure he might do it again? Like I said, quite often once a fantasy has been fulfilled that is the end of the matter.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Mindy,
Thanks for your response, it has helped me. I am trying to move on from this.
I am only attracted to men and, even then, only one at a time and there's nothing I can do about that. We are all different. I respect my partner for his honesty about his 3some but I can't understand how sex with one woman can ever measure up to sex with two.
Thank you for sharing with me what you have struggled with. Like your boyfriend I have had friends with benefits and thought nothing of it.
Wiseoldman responded saying that I insulted a blameless woman (Mindy). I can't see where I did that. I do thank you again for your response and for sharing with me what you have struggled with. We all have our own struggles.
Wiseoldman says I have a vitriolic personality. I am not sure what he based that on. I was the one asking for help.
x
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2011): Hi, Mindy here. No, the threesomes were when I was young and no compliments were exchanged, as far as I can remember. I have had two; one was with two guys and the other a guy and a girl. I enjoyed both and have no regrets. My bf knows and he does not mind, he has experimented alot too so I guess we are equal. Really, I dont understand why you do. I really think you need to move on from this. The compliments I have received about my performance in bed were from recent lovers/bfs. Also, I'll share something with you that I have struggled with - my bf has had a lot of fwbs, mainly his friends. I struggled with this for a while, i used to think, 'what a slut he has been!' But do you know what, how I deal with it is that I tell myself it is none of my business. He didnt do anyhting illegal and if I have a problem, hey, it is my problem. This is just the way I deal with things but I think it works. Lots of people have threesomes at some point and usually at least one of the people is in a relationship. Let it go, it happened years ago.
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reader, wiseoldman +, writes (5 June 2011):
If her husband was babysitting the kids and his wife just happened to pop next door to engage in group sex it sounds like he was in on the whole thing. Some men like their wives/partners telling them about engaging in sexual activity with other people, or even witnessing it themselves- they find it exciting. You are not only punishing your blameless partner with bad sex, but insulting a blameless woman (Mindy) who is trying to give you advice which I consider perfectly valid. This situation now seems irreparable merely because of your own vitriolic personality. As for your last question, the male compliments his wife or partner most after the threesome so that she knows she's the more important to him of the two women involved, but the other is also warmly thanked, especially by the wife/partner if the two females have also made love to one another while the man is resting up between rounds. I have no idea how MMF threesomes work.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI posted this question asking for help. I have gained valuable insight and help from these answers, thank you. Mindy states "and I know I am good in bed. I've been told so". Were you told you were good in bed after one of your 3somes? I often wonder how that works. Does a man compliment two women equally after a 3some? On the night of his 3some my partner was a married man with a young child who was packed off to her grans to enable them to be alone in the house for the 3some. The neighbour's husband was in his house next door babysitting their three children the whole time his wife was taking part in the 3some. They did it in the back bedroom to avoid any chance of her husband hearing, how considerate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011): I don't really understand why his sexual past is any of your business. Having a thresome isnt illegal and some people are just more open-minded sexually than others. I think you need to get over it.
Are women who engage in this sort of activity more confident? Sexually yes. I have had a few threesomes and I am very confident sexually and I know i am good in bed, I've been told so.
To the anonymous female who said that normal people do not act like your bf, really?? I find that a maasive sweeping, unthought out and incrediably judgemental statement. What exactly is normal please? I experimented sexually when I was in my early 20s and I now I am settled. I think if you are going to make big statements like that then you must back it up with some sort of evidence.
Look, move on from this. It was only a threesome. Wow? Aslo, stop punishing him and yourself by giving him rubbish sex. That's just weird.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011): It is not about the 3 some, it is about the self respect and values, unless he has noticed the 3some was a big mistake I don’t think you can get over it, normal people do not act like your boyfriend! You don’t feel the security and the sense of belonging and you are 100% right to feel like that. If it was me I would break up because I know myself and I know I cannot get over it. if my boyfriend had several partners in the past I really wouldn’t mind but this one is a big one and because his wife was involved, it makes it even worse. You know yourself better, if you can get over it that’s fine just forget that and do not think about it anymore if you can’t, do not torture yourself just breakup and you are free.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011): Big question, and you are obviously disturbed that you might not measure up."I felt I could never give him a high like that"Sure you can, in fact you could possibly give him a high that is far above that other act simply because if you are psychologically attractive to him and build him up it will be even better.""so sexually I deliberately did less with him than I was able to because of this. Mostly my sexual efforts with him have been deliberately mediocre punctuated with times of getting out of 2nd gear."Not so good, because you are saying you are not comfortable with him as a lover because you don't have the self esteem to feel that you can every measure up to his past."Have I done wrong?"Not "wrong", but not good either. ? Do you want this relationship? Do you want the sex to be good, not just for him, or for you, but for both of you?"Are women who can take on a 3some (FFM) more confident, skilled and desirable to men that those of us who can't?"No, because quite frankly women, and men, who do this are usually so fucked up at the time, from various causes (drugs, abuse, emotional distress, etc) that it isn't all that great anyway, they just talk about it like it was and because they really don't know what real good sex is."What about afterwards? Do the couple stand at the front door and wave "bye bye" to the woman who made up the 3some as if she had just popped in for coffee and a chat?"All sorts of shit happens, good and bad, people feel bad, men leave their wives, wives leave their husbands, some people ride a "high" and then crash later.I've never done it, never want to, porn doesn't drive my sex life though. Quite honestly, if a man puts all his effort into pleasing his woman, then he can't handle two...if he's doing two then to put it simply he's putting half effort into one of them...I'd never find a lover acceptable myself who gave half effort, which sounds like you may have been doing that deliberately.
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male
reader, wiseoldman +, writes (4 June 2011):
If you keep on deliberately punishing him with second-rate sex for something he engaged in before you even met him, and keep fantasising over his role in something of which, as a typical male, he probably forgot most of the details years ago, you shouldn't be surprised if he leaves you. He's with you now- quit thinking about a past he cannot change.
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