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female
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anonymous
writes: My husband and I moved to our present home 11 years ago because his job changed. Three months later it changed again and he had to go back and work in the town we had moved from. Since then he has been travelling about 100 miles a day for his job. It has taken a toll on his health, he gets tired but also it is costing alot of money to travel.Over the 11 years he has tried to get a job nearer to home but he has never been successful. I have now said to him as he has another 20 years to go that maybe we should move back down to where we used to live as we would save money, he would be less tired and he would have less problems with his back. His parents also live down there. He also moans quite a bit now at getting up so early in the morning to travel down there and I am getting fed up with it because he won't help himself.The problem is that he won't do it. He puts in every argument in the book as in I didn't like living down there before and I won't now, not good quality of living, can't afford to move.We have three children, one due to go special school and one due to start school in september and I want to see him happier with less travelling. I have got a job but he also wonders how we would cope if I haven't got a job but I can always do evening work.I know it sounds selfish but I cannot carry on for another 20 years like ths with him moaning about everything in his life and I have told him that. want to see him, happy and relaxed and it also means he can spend more time with us.Am I being selfish to get him to move house but at the moment I am met with every argument as to wy he can't and all I get is but or no. What would you do if you were having to deal with this. I hope someone can help me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your answers so far I am glad that I am not coming across as selfish.
I have tried over the last year to get him to stay with his parents where we used to live but he doesn't want to even for a couple of nights a week. I have thought of everything to help him but he always has an answer for it. Maybe what I will have to do is plan to move myself and my children and as awful as it sounds, if it means moving without him for a while, it might make him see sense and he finally realises we are trying to help him.
A
female
reader, Roadster73  +, writes (20 January 2010):
 Me and my hubby are in much the same situatation as yourselfs, he has a huge car/train journey into central london from our home on the south coast, it takes a toll on all aspects of our lifes as he is so tired all the time, but due to the current credit crunch & not many places are hiring, and our house is in a small amount of negative equity, we have come up with some solutions and maybe you should too...
Maybe retraining, this sort of thing can be done in the evening or at weekends, maybe even in his lunch hour...I know it doesnt seem idea and might even cause more problems in the short term but it will be worth it?
Maybe look into home working 1 or 2 days a week or even once or twice a month? some comapnies can make provisions if you ask and say how desperate your hb is?
Give him a time frame for things to change say 3-6 months and if they dont say that you will be reloating back to your home town?
Good luck
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reader, Honest Answer  +, writes (20 January 2010):
 I hear where you are coming from, but you need I need to applaud your husband. When times got tough, instead of tossing in the towel, he continued to provide for your family. Many Americans have given up hope, but your husband seems to continue without reguard to his health. So, bravo for him.I do agree that moving would be in the best interest of the family. Since he is always on the road, come up with a plan (finances, place to live) and reason why moving your be beneficial to the family. Show him how much money you would be saving, and the time he would gain for not having to commute.Let him know that you are in this fight for the long run. You have a dog in this fight (so to speak). You are the glue to this family. Don't give up.Good Luck!Jeff
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female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (20 January 2010):
 Hun, your hubby probably sees a move back to your old town as too much to contemplate. I know sometimes men can be stubborn when you try and get them to see the logic of a situation so your best bet is to sit down with him when he is not too stressed and tired, and discuss the matter with him without getting upset.Tell him that you admire him for what he does at work but you are also worried about his health and you would love him to be around the family more because he is special.Suggest to him that maybe renting a house closer to the town he is working in, for say a year or so to see how things go, and chances are after a year he will have settled down and will not want to undertake the long travel to and from work.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2010): No you're not being selfish you want to see him happy and relaxed as it was before this upheaval came along. It sounds as though your husband has got himself into a comfort zone he doesn't want to move on from, and is too tired to consider other options. Especially with a school being available for your child where you are now.Unfortunatley moving house is stressful and it sounds like its the only option here if he is unsuccessful at finding another job. Could he rent a room by nay chance, near to where he works and come home some evenings and at weekends? With the money he saves on travel could be put towards that. Not a long term solution I know but could provide you some respite until you can consider your options.Good luck!
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female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (20 January 2010):
 I think maybe your husband is so tired he cannot think about moving as it would be too much for him mentally to deal with. When he has a holiday or a few days off I would raise the subject again as you are not being selfish just a good supportive and loving wife. I used to drive 112 mile round trip from Moffat to Glasgow every day and it was exhausting. All that mattered to me were the weekends. If your husband doesn't want to go back to where you were before how about an area midway or a village somewhere nearby. Even cutting the driving in half would be something. I think it is the thought of all the effort that goes into moving that is putting him off, nothing more. Just pick a time when he is less tired and has no back pain and try again.
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