A
female
age
36-40,
*roken1234
writes:Ok, so I have been with my fiance for 3 years now and everything has been wonderful. Just this past weekend I have cancelled our wedding which was to happen in 3months from now. He is 7 years older then I am and lately I have been feeling distant from our relationship, I have been going out more with my friends and partying and im not sure that im as ready as I thought i would be to settle down. My problems are 1) he has an 11yr old daughter who has never met her mother and calls me mom.. this is something that im definatly not ready for.. I know I should have realized that coming into it, but because I never dated anyone with a child before I didnt know how I would feel about it.. As time went on i always told myself to smarten up because this is the man i love and this is his child and to just accept that.. but I dont think I can, and its not that shes a bad child.. its that Im 22 and I just cant handle it anymore. 2)Hes very jealous and insecure, whenever i want to go out with friends he gets angry and accuses me of not wanting to spend anytime with him and once I come home will call me names such as sl_t because he always assumes I have cheated on him.. I have never done anything like that to hurt him.. he was the one at the beginning of our relationship who lied about talking to his ex behind my back for the first 9 months we dated. He admits that his insecurity comes from his past and that he knows ive done nothing wrong but cant help it. 3) We have owned a house together for about two years now along with the two cars we own, we are renovating the house just like he wanted and I hate that.. its stressful its putting us in debt and its not the life I wanted. He isnt motivated in his job, he doesnt care that hes at the bottom of the ladder and has been for the past 10years, I mean its great he has stuck to one thing for so long... but after that amount of time it would be nice to see some growth. I just dont feel fufiled in life anymore.. I used to be so happy with him and so excited to get married and have children with him (which he wants like yesterday by the way) and now the longer we have been together the more im realizing how much I have missed out on, and how much I will miss out on if I continue any longer. I love to hangout with my girlfriends and go out to dance or for a few drinks, I would love to travel all over all the time.. I want experiences. I feel as if I commit to this man any longer, because of the lifestyle he has, non of that will ever be possible. The hardest part of all this is that besides the insecurity, he is an amazing man who worships the ground I walk on and loves me to death! I have NO idea what to do.. This is by far the hardest decision of my life and I need some guidance and advice. I am also staying at my parents house tonight so I can just be alone and try to think clearly without watching him cry and feeling bad for cancelling the wedding and such. PLEASE HELP!!
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debt, fiance, his ex, insecure, jealous, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): It sounds like you've given this a lot of serious thought, and that you've come to some unwelcome conclusions. That's generally the basis for a sound decision.
You're rather young to take on someone with so many issues -- trust issues from past relationships and an 11 year-old child who calls you mom. It's certainly true the older we get, the more likely any relationship is going to bring those sorts of complications, but you're not there yet.
As painful as it is, it sounds like you're in touch with yourself and your needs. There's nothing wrong with wanting to enjoy being young, to have the freedom to enjoy your friends. You're identified issues that are already interfering with your feelings for him (debt and lack of ambition), and that are likely to continue to fester and undermine the relationship.
I feel sick for his daughter, that she's bonded to you and you're contemplating leaving. As unfortunate as that is, though, it alone is not a reason to proceed with the wedding, not in the face of all your other doubts. It should be a lesson for the future, though, if you ever consider getting involved with a custodial father again.
It's good that you've given yourself some space to think. It sounds like you're on the right track -- you're taking the marriage commitment very seriously, and you're listening to your heart.
I wish you the best.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): It sounds as if you have some very valid concerns here. I hate to say it, but he sounds controlling and may perhaps turn out to be an abuser, as he is already abusing you verbally. An "amazing man who worships the ground you walk on" would not call you "slut" after you spend an evening out with friends. HUGE red flag. Do you think he will be better or worse to you once you are tied to him by marriage? From what you have said, I suspect he will be worse.
As for the fact that he has a child...that's not going to change, so you have to decide if you can deal with it. When it comes down to it, she is not your responsibility. Unless you were a very early bloomer, you are not biologically capable of having a child her age. Small wonder you don't feel ready for it! You would have had to give birth at 11 to be her mother.
In short, if you don't feel ready to be a mother, we can hardly judge you for that. Please don't jump into something you know you aren't ready for, as that will only make you miserable. The true fault, if any, is that of the girl's birth mother, for not being there for her daughter in any way, shape, or form.
I think you have made the right decision here. But realize that if this man wanted marriage out of you and you are not ready for that, your relationship with him is probably over. I don't think that's a bad thing. It sounds as if you have narrowly avoided the clutches of a controlling and manipulative person.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): well if you prefer going out with your friends, then you shouldnt be getting married to him or anyone else for that matter. Never being a mom and then having an 11 y.o call you that, is overwhelming for anybody. I think calling off the wedding for now until you find out what you really want
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