A
female
age
30-35,
*carlettxo
writes:I'm a 19 year old lesbian and I've been attracted to my 56 year old boss for nearly 2 years now. She's married and has 3 grown children, her family is a church-going Christian family, and she'd made it clear that she doesn't agree with my "lifestyle choice". I'm an open minded person and I respect her views, so fortunately it wasn't ever an issue and we've managed to become good friends, regardless. I'm pretty sure she always knew I had feelings for, I'm not a good liar, and I never thought it mattered much since we get along fine. I have enormous respect for her, she's intelligent, beautiful, and she's extremely dedicated to her work and family. With all that said, I'll go into what happened, I'm going to be detailed because I think it's important to mention exactly what happened in order to get an accurate idea of what's going on. Basically, I was drunk and alone when she showed up. I've been overwhelmingly lonely lately, and I was in a vulnerable state, so I confided in her, I told her how I feel. She didn't react at all how I would've thought she would, she wasn't angry, she wasn't surprised, she just started questioning me things along the lines of "I'm older than your parents, why would you find me attractive?" So I told her I thought she was beautiful and smart and everything I would want in a girlfriend. I walked up to her and brushed her hair behind her ear, and for a few moments we did "the look" before I kissed her. I kissed her softly, I had a million thoughts running through my head. She kissed me back, so I kissed her again... and again... and again. Each time softly. I put the back of my hand on her leg, slowly moving up, she was wearing a loose skirt. I gently put my hand over her underwear, she didn't stop me, we continued kissing and I started to rub her. Shortly after that, she pulled back, we looked at each other, then she looked down and shook her head and left. I was pretty out of it, I had realized at the time what we were doing was wrong, but I was too impaired to stop myself. Had I been sober, I absolutely never would've done anything like that. I'm not a homewrecker, and ever since I woke up in my right mind the next morning, I've been sick to my stomach with what I've done. This happened 2 nights ago, and I'm going to have to see her in 2 days at work and we're going to be alone. I haven't talked to her since that night, and I haven't told anyone. Basically, I'm just completely confused now, I have no idea what to do. I'm absolutely not looking to pursue a relationship with her, that's not what I came here looking for, I just don't know how to go about this. I know I was in the wrong, I was strongly under the influence of alcohol, and like I said, I would never do anything like that had I not been. Is this completely my fault though? SHE came over to MY house, SHE was completely sober, had she shown any signs that she didn't want to do it I would have backed off immediately, as I did when she pulled back. I was drunk but I would never push myself on someone, it was completely consensual. I just don't know what to do now, I need to apologize, I feel terrible, but how do I go about this? Also, do I have the right to ask questions? I mean, does this make her a lesbian? Is she confused? I can't help but wonder, like I said, she's definitely been outspoken about her opposition to homosexuality. I've heard a lot of rumors about her family, but they were never about her, actually, they were about her husband. Regardless of this huge mistake, of course I care about her a lot, she's been a friend for 2 years, and I can't help but also be concerned. I've heard things in the media about how the most "anti-gay" people are often gay themselves, and I always had a hard time believing it. What if that's the case? Is it any of my business to get involved? I feel like if that's the case, that's extremely sad and I want to help as much as I can. I just have absolutely no idea what to do about anything and I have a million thoughts running through my head. I'm sorry this is so long, I would really appreciate any advice, I just can't figure out what to do by myself. Thank you in advance.
View related questions:
at work, christian, drunk, kissing, lesbian, liar, underwear Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (30 July 2013):
 Ok so yes what is going on is not great, but it doesnt make you a terrible person - you at least tried to tell her how you felt but she ignored it anyway.
Is her marriage over? No, she is very much still married - she has not left her husband, she is still living with him, she is still married to him and her children have not been told that mum and dad are splitting up. So she can tell you all she wants that the marriage was over a long time ago, but she is just lying to you because she knows that is what you want to hear.
All cheaters/people having affairs tell the same lies, they know that their bit on the side (i.e. you) will only remain interested if they say 'our marriage was over a long time ago' blah blah blah. If she told you the truth - i.e. my husband and I are having problems but I dont want to leave him and I'm just using you to make myself feel better during this bad patch in my marriage - then you wouldnt carry on seeing her would you?
Cheaters tell lies to their new partners because they dont want the affair to end. If they told the truth they know that their new partner would move on because no-one likes to be used.
And that is what she is doing - she is unhappy in her marriage. Presumably a lot is down to her husband being away so much, she will be lonely and seeking comfort. Hence where you come in - she knows how strongly you feel about her and it is flattering, she will be enjoying the attention, the physical side of your relationship and the feeling of being desired by someone. She is not getting that side of things from her marriage, hence why what she is getting from you is so intoxicating to her.
So you might think great, I give her what her husband does not so she'll want to be with me - WRONG. If her husband started giving her attention again, you would be cast off faster than you can think. See she wants her husband to give her the love and attention you give her, so until she sorts her problems out with him you will be the interim solution.
You are being USED by a confused married woman who is starved of affection, so if you are as smart and mature as you claim to be then you will see this. Put your feelings for her to one side and think about yourself for a second - you sound like a very nice girl to be honest and you clearly think about other people's needs and feelings before you think about yourself. But right now if you put her to one side for a second you need to see the bigger picture.
1. You say you have a 'career and a home' - if you want to keep that career and home you cannot have an affair with your married boss
2. You cannot fix her marriage, nor can you fix her confusion about her sexuality. Yes you want to be there for her because you care, but you need to see that by you being close to her it is making things worse. She is clouded by your affection, as I said before it is intoxicating and it is stopping her from acting like a sensible adult woman. The closer you are to her the worse its going to be.
3. Her kids and family. Stop to think about that for a second - her husband is irrelevant really as he doesnt sound that great, but think about her wider family and her children. Think about how this would affect them. To find out that mum has been cheating, and that mum might be a lesbian could easily destroy her relationship with her children and her other family members. Yes you want to be there for her, but do you really want to ruin her entire life? She would lose everything she has worked so hard for over the last 30 years. She might appear happy with you now, but that happiness would soon vanish when her children refuse to speak to her, her family disown her and she is left with nothing.
You cannot have an affair with your boss. Putting all else aside, you cannot have a relationship with a person in a higher position than you at work simply because you will lose your job - when your colleagues get wind of it (they will, I assure you) they will report the pair of you. They will be jealous thinking you are sleeping with the boss to get a promotion or more money at work, even if you know that is not true they wont believe it - after all its a massive cliche isnt it, sleeping with your boss. So you will more than likely be fired. And your boss will be fired too - she will have to report to someone, and that person above her will be informed of her behaviour so she will also be fired for inappropriate behaviour with a staff member.
So by allowing this affair to continue you are basically saying you are happy for both of you to be fired, you are happy for her to risk destroying her relationships with her children and family, and also you are happy to be used by a woman who doesnt know what she wants and is so starved of affection she will take it from a girl young enough to be her daughter.
You know this is wrong, we dont need to tell you that. But you have to be sensible - love is not enough to make a relationship work. In this situation there is too much at stake for both of you, and she in particular is going to lose everything for very little gain. She is going through a bad patch in her marriage, and you need to be the sensible one right now - she is so confused she cant think straight. Be the grown up here and do the right thing - quit your job so you remove yourself from the situation. And give her some space so she can figure out what is going on in her life, yes she is unhappy but you are a distraction rather than the solution. You need to tell her that you are NOT having an affair with a married woman, and until she is divorced you would not consider carrying on with this.
She has to understand that just because she is unhappy and thinks in her head the marriage is over, does not mean that she can go about hurting everyone around her. She is hurting her husband, her children, her career, and you. If the marriage is over she needs to make it official, start divorce proceedings and inform her children and family. If she does get a divorce, and you get a new job away from her - then perhaps if you still felt the same way then you could have a relationship with her.
But right now you are making things worse for her, so if you really want to help her she needs to be left alone to realise the seriousness of what she has done, affairs cannot be taken lightly and she needs to wake up to where her life is headed. You are clouding her head, confusing her with your attention and stopping her from facing her problems head on. By having an affair with you she can get what she wants (attention and affection) without having to deal with the real problem - her bad marriage. She needs to deal with her problems before she can start to think about having someone else in her life, so walking away from her is the best thing you can do to help right now.
I know that is hard when you care about her so much, but if you genuinely want her to be happy then you have to do it - you are making this worse right now and need to remove yourself from the equation so she can stop burying her head in the sand.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2013): If I sounded judgemental, I'm sorry that's not how I meant it. Stay in her life but not in this way because you're helping her to commit adultery. Don't abandon her, really, that'll hurt her.Talk to her before her husband comes back about what she's feeling and about her family especially her children.Her marriage is not over as long as she's married. 30 years of marriage shouldn't be thrown out the door- there must be at least something that's left. Not to mention, her children might resent her because of all these. Maybe you can help her get back with her spouse. You seem like a good person who genuinely wants the best for her. When I said that you'll find someone else that'll sweep you off your feet, I meant that in a good way and you will find someone with that good heart of yours!PS. She's not a liar, she's just as confused.
...............................
A
female
reader, scarlettxo +, writes (26 July 2013):
scarlettxo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're right, I am in a mess and I do need help. I don't really have anyone in my life I can turn to for help, unfortunately. I've lived alone for 2 years, most of my focus was on work, and ironically, my boss is the closest friend I have. I'm going to try to keep this short because I don't think all the details are important, this has been going on for almost a week now. Basically, the day before we were supposed to go back to work she sent me a text asking me to come over, it sounded normal and I thought that meant we were just going to pretend it never happened. I figured I'd apologize anyway so we could move on. So, I went over there and before I had time to get in one word, she kissed me. I tried to stop her, I told her how I felt, I said it was wrong and that I didn't want to be a homewrecker. Once I said that there was kind of a scene, she said "The home was already wrecked." and she took her wedding ring off and threw it across the room. At that point I stopped fighting it. I knew it was wrong, but I'm not a robot, I'm a human being, and this woman that I've been overwhelmingly attracted to for 2 years, that I never thought I stood a chance with, was practically throwing herself on me. One thing lead to another and we ended up having sex. I stayed at her house that night and went to work from there the next morning. I should note, her husband is out of town a lot for work, sometimes he'll be gone for weeks at a time. He's been out of town since the night I got myself into a drunken mess, and he'll be gone for another week.Anyway, I'm really confused as to what's going on now because everywhere we are, things are different between us. Work is fine, regardless of what happened, work isn't the place for personal problems. When we're together outside of work, (Which is basically all the time.) it gets confusing, because things seem almost normal, but we've been sleeping together. It almost feels like being in a relationship. We've always had a good friendship, so we would spend a lot of time hanging out, talking, tv, what ever it may be, and for the past week, it's been exactly the same but we've been having sex. We haven't talked about it AT ALL. Not once. Even the first time, the only thing we talked about when it was over was me having to go to work in the morning, then we went to sleep. The next morning I beat the alarm by 20 minutes, my brain was going crazy that morning, so I figured I would get ready and just wake her up as I was walking out the door, but she woke up while I was in the shower, then she came in the shower with me and we had sex again. The point is, we literally haven't said a word about this. It's been going on for almost a week now, I've stayed at her house almost every night. I'm absolutely puzzled. I know, I'm the homewrecker now, but where do I go from here? I mean, is her marriage completely over? Half of me thinks I'm the problem, and I should cut contact with her and quit my job and maybe she can save her marriage for the sake of her family and nearly 30 years of marriage. The other half of me thinks she needs a lot of help and I'm the only person she trusts, so abandoning her now would make me an even more horrible person than being a homewrecker would ever make me. I don't know if it makes any difference, but aside from this whole thing, I have my life in order, I have a career and a home, I've been told countless times that I'm mature for my age, in fact, most people just assume I'm 5-10 years older than I am. I care about her so much, and I also have strong feelings for her. I want to do what's best for everyone.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (26 July 2013):
Yes there are judgmental people on this site, just like there are around the world. However if you are in a mess and need help then even if you get 10 replies and 9 are judgmental, there will be 1 that is kind and helpful that will be of use to you and you can ignore the others.
I'm sure whatever you have done cant be that bad, I'm sure you havent murdered anyone so dont be so hard on yourself and if you need help then feel free to post again, or at least talk to friends/family for support as you shouldnt be alone when you need help.
Hope you are ok.
...............................
A
female
reader, scarlettxo +, writes (25 July 2013):
scarlettxo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your replies, I really appreciate it. I wish I could give a clear update on what's going on, but unfortunately it just got extremely complicated. Things took an extremely unexpected turn, and I got myself into a situation that I wont be getting out of any time soon. I thought about writing on here again, I'm at such a complete loss as to what I've gotten myself into, but frankly, I don't think I can handle the criticism and judgement. I've made a huge mistake, and as reckless as it may be, I just keep digging the hole deeper. I feel like a horrible person, but I feel powerless now because I don't know what the right thing to do is. I might write on here again, in more detail, I'm just hesitant right now because the last thing I need is to be judged. Again, thank you all for the initial replies, and thank you to the most recent anonymous person for checking back.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2013): How has things been since then after meeting her again? What did she say? I hope it's fine.Well, I think you should just get over her. Your situation should not go any further as she has a family. Since you're in this position right now, helping her would not be a good idea. She might think you're trying to "convert" her. The reason she made a move back was maybe because she was caught up in that moment and maybe she was vulnerable because of her state with her family. It doesn't necessarily mean that she's figuring out her sexuality now or has feelings for you.Just apologise and move on. You'll find someone else to sweep you off your feet next time! Like say "I stepped out of line and I'm sorry. I don't want things to be awkward between us, can we pretend that it never happened?".
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2013): Wow, I think your boss is flattered by you. I think she may even be having some issues in her personal life with her husband. She kissed you back because its a kiss and affection she maybe missing from her husband. You could have been a man and it would have went the same way. Yes, she is confused to at this time. I think you need to bag away and let her continue on in her marriage. Yes apologize and move on. You have to protect your heart as well. In reference to your comment about antigay. I am against the gay lifestyle but, still show love on all ends and no, I am not gay.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (19 July 2013):
 I'm going to take a different stance on this situation. I won't say 99% of people who "oppose" homosexuality, for a lack of better terminology, are gay. But the serious homophobes - I'm talking the serious gay bashing and hating type - typically turn out to be secretly gay. Take the founder of exodus international. The "pray the gay away" dude. For decades, he's made gay men and women feel disgusting and unnatural. And guess what? Less than a month ago, he publicly apologized and admitted to homosexual thoughts and desires that led him to create exodus international. This IS common. It's about compensation. Hating something so much outwardly because you fear it so much inwardly. It's a fact that a lot of gay haters have deep rooted homosexual thoughts they are covering up for. But it is impossible to know figures and statistics on this subject.
That being said, who knows where this woman stands. She let you know she doesn't agree with your lifestyle choice (don't you love how people think they get to agree or disagree with who you fall in love with?), yet kissed you back and let you put your hands in very personal places without stopping you. I'm sorry, but if anyone did that to me and it was unwanted, you better believe that I'd stop it IMMEDIATELY. She clearly had some desire for doing this. She didn't sound like she felt sorry for you at all.
If I were you, I'd make no mention of it. Just go on like nothing happened and hopefully it will blow over. I'm so sorry. This is an incredibly awkward position for you both to be in! Worst case scenario, do you work at a place you can relocate? Like a different location, yet still be local? Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (19 July 2013):
God knows where you heard that anti-gay people are secretly gay, what utter nonsense. 99% of anti-gay people are just afraid of something that is different to the norm, they are poorly educated and ignorant. That doesnt make them gay.
I think what happened here is she felt sorry for you, and when you kissed her she took too long to react. She's not gay, and she's never going to have a relationship with you - she doesnt need your help or anything like that.
As you said you need to apologize. So when you are at work with her next, explain that you were very drunk and feel awful about what happened, that you are very sorry and it will never happen again.
Then you just have to hope she doesnt fire you - you are walking on very thin ground here and your boss will know that really she should as a minimum give you a warning over this, but equally she wouldnt be wrong to fire you either as you have really overstepped the mark.
I know you are trying to blame her for not backing off faster to try and make yourself feel better, but at the end of the day you have feelings for her and she did back off, yes later than she should but she did not continue and she walked away. You are at fault and that's the end of it. Just apologize, hope that you dont get fired and make sure it never happens again.
...............................
|
