I called off the wedding. But how do I get past the guilt if I leave him?

A female age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I was until recently, engaged to be married. I called off the wedding because my fiancé yells a lot, is very stressed (life choices, poor planning, disorganization, plus regular stresses of job, kids, etc.), blames me and others for everything, doesn't have time for me, those kinds of things. We are both in our mid-40's. Each married and divorced once. I did most of the wedding planning as he does not have time and I don't think he really cared about most of it. Although when I showed him the venue I was a little annoyed and how he seemed to want to "take over" and control it when I had done all the phone calls and leg work. Anyway, we have been fighting A LOT. Looking back, though, our relationship was filled with disagreements. We have, together, poor communication skills. I think I'm a pretty good/above average communicator, but I cannot seem to communicate well with my fiancé. Like I said earlier, he blames me and others for pretty much everything that happens. For example, recently while sitting outside near his house, a passing truck "lost" a small bag of garbage out the back as it drove by and then got hit by a passing car. Fiance had a raging fit for at least 45 minutes (this is NOT an exaggeration) about how these terrible things only happen to him and how if I had stopped talking long enough for him to go get the bag, none of this would ever had happened and now he would be picking up garbage all summer and no one cares because they don't have to pick it up, etc. etc. So, when I finally told him we cannot/should not get married under these circumstances, he said that he is not happy with me anyway! Why, if he was so unhappy, would he have gone through with the marriage had I not said anything? In a way, I was relieved. It was definitely easier if HE was not happy as well. He then went on about how I "bitch" about everything. It was verbally abusive so I left. He then called and apologized, said he IS, after all, happy with me. That he just said that because he was mad, etc. Anyway, the wedding is off. I am going to therapy and doing lots of reading and praying. He is, as far as I know, doing nothing except waiting for me to change my mind. He says he is willing to go to therapy. I'm waiting on him to take charge of this. How badly could you want something if you are unwilling to do ANYTHING about it? But it all goes along with his general lack of time. He thinks that the way his life is is completely out of his hands. It's like his life runs him and the thinks it HAS to be that way. He makes a TON on money and doesn't need to make that much. But he's used to it and feels as though it's necessary. All this money at the expense of everything else. I think it's just his personality. I don't think therapy will help. I think his personality is pretty well set at his age and that the blaming and the anger flare-ups will persist. I don't want to live my life that way, but I feel guilty leaving him for good. He's being so much nicer in his texts (primary means of communication) and when we do speak on the phone. I can tell he's really trying. But we don't have an easy friendship. We don't see eye-to-eye on so many things. I am huge on personal responsibility, and he finds a way to blame everyone else for everything. What should I do?

View related questions: divorce, engaged, fiance, money, text, wedding

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