A
female
age
36-40,
*rettySecure
writes:My boyfriend and I have been off and on for the past 3 years. Within the past 5 months we have finally decided to get serious. We've been living together for 3 months. In the past out relationship has majorly been unstable because of his lack of loyalty and basic cheating habits. After a few months with finally shutting him back he obviously charmed me back in and has shown a lot of effort to gain my trust. I still can't go past my doubt. So I looked through his email and I just came across a video he sent himself from one email to another that contained some pretty graphic sexual activity with another female just last week! Old video or not, I went ballistic! I feel a total lack of respect, and with his interest in this "old video" to send it to himself so recently is cheating in my book. He is currently showing no remorse and claims this has to do with my insecurity. Am I overreacting? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2014): What CMMP said
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (26 June 2014):
I don't think it matters if you're right, wrong, insecure, or secure. YOU'RE NOT HAPPY. If you're not happy what's the point of being with him? Will the paranoia go away anytime soon? Are you sure he won't cheat? Is this how you want to live?
Find someone that doesn't hurt you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 June 2014):
 I don't think you are wrong in how you feel about the video. It's something he wants to look at and store/safe-keep.
Does it make it cheating? If the clip was two strangers it would be regarded as porn, but because he is in it, you feel it's cheating? Mainly because it could be filmed a week ago or 4 years ago.
The fact is, you can't trust him because of his past escapades. GOING through his e-mails is not going to make you trust him more. It is however going to make you feel NUTS. YOU are not his mother, you should NOT have to snoop on him to "make" him behave like a decent BF. He should WANT to be a decent BF all on his own. Because he should KNOW by now how cheating hurt YOU in the past.
Snooping should never be the norm in a healthy relationship. NOR should hiding stuff be necessary.
Of course he is blaming YOU and YOUR insecurities. Why wouldn't he?
He has PLAYED in your insecurities for YEARS. And YOU have played along, but "forgiving" his actions and taking him back.
I think you are one of those women (and there are MANY of women who thinks this way I'm afraid) that LOVE will fix a guy. That you can CHANGE his cheating ways. And that because you have been together long-term you should forgive and try and continue otherwise those years are wasted....
Now the REAL waste is continuing in a relationship with absolutely no trust.
YOUR bf take no responsibility for his cheating, for his actions, he just pulls out your "insecurities" and wave them in your face, and you "forgive" him to show that you don't HAVE an insecurities...
NOW that... is a waste of time.
He is not going to change. YOU can not change him. HE is who he is.
You can CHOOSE to be with him, knowing his past OR you can end it and remove him from your life (and NOT let him back in, but find someone who will treat you right).
You have to decide WHAT are deal-breakers in your relationship and what is not. From what you write cheating isn't exactly a deal breaker, it's just something that will cause drama a little while and then you will take him back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2014): Just a few words. DROP THIS GUY LIKE A HOT POTATO!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2014): Leave him. He has repeatedly cheated and proven disloyal. Be strong and resist his charms. Is the temporary moment of bliss worth to continue letting this man disrespect you?
I don't think you're overreacting with getting mad, but you're not helping anything by continuously forgiving him. This guy is trying to make you doubt your judgment by calling on your insecurities, making you dismiss yourself and he dismissing you.
Leave him and don't look back.
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