A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met my partner a year ago. It was wonderful to begin with, then I discovered his lies. Started with hiding porn, then he was mailing women behind my back when I was at work, then one evening on his phone he had signed up to a swingers website arranging threesomes and all sorts. I went ballistic on all these things and he promised to stop. Now his affections for me have been getting less, what am I doing wrong cos I do everything for him and love him to bits. ....... Advice welcomed
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (8 August 2013):
 I do not see a happy ending here for you.
He's lying
he's trying to get to swingers sites and have 3somes with or without you or your permission.
He's using you for money and vacations...
he knows he owns you because you continue to forgive him in the name of love.
if a man treated your sister or best girlfriend like this what would you tell her?
let's try "i know you think you love HIM but I think you love what you WANT him to be. I think you love the idea of him being a good man when he's NOT."
make a list of all the things he does NOW that make you happy and make you love him
then list all the things that make you sad, mad or hurt. list the lies, the cheating (threesomes are cheating without prior consent) see which list is longer.
another piece of advice since you are clearly reluctant to leave him... give him reason to leave you.
STOP buying him things
stop paying for things for him
STOP calling him and asking him to do things.
stop being available if he calls to see you at the last minute... let him "woo" you all over again....
I'm betting it will be very telling for you once you stop rowing your relationship boat and make him do some of the work.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2013): Also forgot to mention, ive treated him to three holidays this year cos he has his own house and pays all the bills, is that how you treat someone you love or am I being used until something better comes along ? This is starting to make me ill now
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2013): Thanks for your replies, I guess I know what I need to do but so hard doing it. The porn does bother me as when we first got together and I dont mean this rudely he couldnt cum with me. Obviously cos he was used to getting off on other things, now its the constant lies how many times will I allow him to hurt me this way, he has even paid for webcam sex ! He cant see what he does iws wrong just likes to smoke weed + drink and nothing else matters.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2013): I suggest for you to start considering dating someone new.
your bf is not going to meet your expectations.
he will just keep on disappointing you over and over again.
once a fox will always be a fox.
if his not enjoying to be with you,
your attitude should be, the same.
In a positive way. how? start by removing him from your life.
A person who does threesome or enjoys sex with whoever doesn't deserve to be loved at all.
They deserve to be thrown away.
Your wasting your time with him.
have a clear mind. be strong and let go.
the boy ain't worth it.
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A
female
reader, delightful84 +, writes (8 August 2013):
Dump him. Eddie85 is right. Porn is bad enough, but actively seeking people for a relationship or sex is cheating with a capital C.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (8 August 2013):
 You are not doing anything wrong. You're just discovering what this man is really like.
Can I suggest you read this, and focus on the bit about dodgy sexual behaviour;
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/knowing-when-to-bail-out-red-flags/
"It's time for you to decide where your line is..."
Hope this help you x
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (8 August 2013):
 It is one thing for guys to be interested in porn: most men are, especially if the action in the bedroom isn't meeting their expectations (or if they have higher than normal sexual urges and need a release). Most guys look at porn and keep it a solo act that doesn't involve anyone else.
However, the fact that you are willing to entertain continuing a relationship with a man who was actively pursuing other sexual relationships (with actual other people) is alarming. The dating process is used to weed out the good ones from the bad ones and during the dating process people should be on their best behavior. If this is the "best" he is, what does the future hold for you?
I can only guess as to why he is withholding sex from you. But my guess is that: he is embarrassed with getting busted, he is upset that you don't share his sexual predilections, and he is punishing you by withholding physical comforts from you. It certainly doesn't sound like a repentant person.
In this day of AIDS, HIV, HPV and other diseases, I serious hope you take a good, long look at the man you are with. It is one thing to be curious about swinging but to actually take the step of signing up indicates this man is a cheater just waiting for an opportunity.
Life is too short to remain with someone who doesn't share the same commitment level as you. Again, I hope you take a LONG look at who you are with and why you want to remain with him.
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2013): Sounds like it's over, unless he can have his porn and swing on the side.
Your man has other things on his mind; and apparently, he is not satisfied with a traditional relationship.
Prepare to be single again. You deserve to have the type of relationship you want. Don't compromise.
If he had suggested that this is what he needed in a relationship; that would have given you an opportunity to move on before expecting him to be monogamous.
You may love him; but unless you are able to adapt to his alternative sexual life-style, you may as well be on your way. Otherwise, you've been cutoff.
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