A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have just broken up with my boyfriend of twenty years due to his violent behaviour. the thing is he says he wants the ring he bought me back which is expensive but I feel like in all fairness I have paid for the ring as I gave the cost of the ring by giving the same amount in money to help him during the relationship and im not asking for the money back.I do not wish to give the ring back as I feel I have paid for it really and I don't wish to send it in the mail to him as its expensive neither do I wish to see him to give it to him as he is violent and could put me in danger.
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broke up, money, violent Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2019): well he forced me during the relationship to give him hundreds of pounds by threatening behaviour so I decided to keep the ring ive paid for it really
A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (24 February 2019):
 I have to agree with ciar and Andie.
Why hold onto the ring? It was a gift from an abuser surely it only has negative thoughts attached to it? Get rid and he is gone from your life for good! He WILL keep trying to get that ring back. Your safety is the main thing here and I really don’t think a ring is worth risking it for. I understand you want to recoup some of your losses, but is it really worth the hassle?
By all means keep it, it’s your decision at the end of the day, block his contact, but he knows where you live and some abusers will go to EXTREME lengths when their victim has managed to wriggle free. Be careful.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (24 February 2019):
 You're determined to keep this chapter of your life open as long as possible over a ring?
Give him the damn ring back and be done with it, for Pete's sake.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (23 February 2019):
 OP, you did not pay for the ring. I understand what you are saying, but it is not the same thing. You have not "earned" the ring, even if you gave him lots of money during the relationship.
He is abusive. Keeping that ring is tempting more danger. Take it to the police and leave it with them, whilst explaining that he is abusive, so they know he is dangerous.
I understand why you stayed with him. I do not understand why, now that you are finally free, this ring is your priority. If you sold it, you'd get your money back. If you don't sell it, then you're not actually doing it for the money you spent on him over the years.
Why would you want to keep a ring that was given to you by a violent ex? You're doing it to punish him for what he's put you through, when your main concern should be your safety and moving on without physical reminders of him.
It's up to you, but there's a reason most of us are advising you get rid of the ring and move on safely.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2019): You are entitled to keep the ring, but I think you need to weigh up whether keeping the ring will increase the likelihood of him coming after you. If he keeps pursuing you because of the ring then personally I would do as the previous person suggested and leave it at a local police station for him to collect. Its not worth putting yourself in danger over a ring no matter how valuable
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 February 2019):
 Just be careful, either way.
And if he has your number, change it or if you can, block his.
YOU don't NEED to talk to him.
If he does threaten you, CALL the police.
Be safe.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2019): Well you really can’t equate the money you’ve gifted him over the years with the ring. These are two separate transactions.
In the future, don’t give anyone money if you are going to resent it. The money you’ve given away is gone. Or else if you do give anyone money, write up a little note so that it’s clear it’s a loan so you can get your money back later.
As for the ring, you’ve already decided to keep it. I won’t advise you on legal issues, but other aunts/uncles have given you some knowledge about the laws in the UK. The only thing I will say is that you should keep yourself safe.... and a ring is not a very important thing compared to a life.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 February 2019):
 Say no. The ring was a gift. If he wants it, he will have to pay for it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2019): I'm going to keep the ring because I gave him hundreds of my money during the relationship and he didn't give me anything but the ring so really that's fair if he wants to be funny and wants the ring back then I want my hundreds of pounds back that he wasted on drugs and all sorts. He put me through so much violence and emotional abuse forcing me to give him money during the relationship I think I deserve to keep it
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (21 February 2019):
 Give the ring back to him.. he paid for it. You can't calculate like that.. the money you spent during the relationship equals the cost of the ring, so you paid for the ring.. what the heck?
Just give the ring back.. you can save up to buy another one or maybe your next boyfriend will buy you another one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2019): Leave the ring at the local police station and let him pick it up there.
Give-up the ring! You're giving him a reason to come after you. Stop playing with danger and tempting fate!
You feel you've paid for it? Is it worth getting beat-up over?
He's being vindictive and using it as an excuse for his rage.
He'll use the excuse he was provoked. It weakens your position when you file a police complaint or report his threats and intimidation; because you are withholding his property.
Legal technicalities are fine and good; staying alive and in one piece makes more sense. Don't you think?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 February 2019):
 Are we talking about an engagement ring ? In this case, since you are in UK, you are lucky , the law is on your side and the ring is legally yours even if you were the one to break off the engagement . ( It's not so in USA were in many - but not all- States you be legally bound to give it back , if you were the one who called things off ).
" Law Reform Act 1970, Miscellaneous Provisions " :The gift of engagement ring shall be presumed to be an absolute gift. This presumption may be rebutted by proving that the ring was given on the condition that it should be returned if the marriage did not take place for any reason ". Which of course is almost impossible to prove - he would have had to accompany his ring , say , with a written note stating " Keep in mind that if we break up I want the ring back ".
So, you do not have to give him the ring back, not because you spent money for him ( that would be considered an absolite gift too,in lack of a written contract for repayment ) but because it belongs to you according to your country's laws.
That's the theory. In practice, it's hard to advice you , since you say this man is violent and potentially dangerous. Part of me wants to tell you: it's just a ring, and your safety and peace of mind come first. Just give him the ring back at once , and get rid of him forever.
BUT: if he has access to you, he knows how to contact you, where to find you, where to find you °°alone°… who tells you that you'll be rid of him even after giving back his ring; the ring may be just an excuse to give you a hard time, - what he may be actually pissed off is that eventually YOU decided to kick him to the curb . So you might give him the ring back- and not have solved your problem, not seen the last of him until he feels vindicated enough ; and he may find some other way to bother you .
Plus, it's not fair- if everybody lets bullies always get their way, then we'll never ever see even a small decrease in acts of bullying and of physical abuse against partners or exes.
OTH, I realize that's veeery easy for me to tell you, safely ensconced at home in front of my P.C .: " Be brave ! Do the right thing ! Stand your ground ! Flex your muscles ! ". He is not going to come after ME...
You know what ? I would involve the police. I would ask them what they advise and how can you best protect yourself. If , as I suppose, he has already asked you for the ring back by email or text a few times , ( and I am pretty sure that he has not asked you nicely, with hearts and flowers… ), he if has made any kind of pressure on you about wanting this thing which legally belongs to you … there may already be the bases for pressing charges or obtaining a restraining order .You mention " violent behaviour ", has he been involved already in episodes of domesyic violence ? ( even if not prosecuted after ). In other words, did you ( or other women ) ever call the cops on him ?- in this case, I feel confident they would take your quandary seriously enough- and even if he has not been harassing you yet and not breaking any laws in reference to this matter - well, never a bad idea to leave a paper trail and report any attempt of intimidation or coercion, just in case, before anything unpleasant happens ( hoping , and wishing you, of course , that nothing unpleasant will ever happen ).
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (21 February 2019):
 "Do you legally have to give back an engagement ring? UK Law. ... “The gift of an engagement ring shall be presumed to be an absolute gift; this presumption may be rebutted by proving that the ring was given on the condition, express or implied, that it should be returned if the marriage did not take place for any reason.”"
In the US this law varies a lot from state to state so I Googled it in the UK. Of course in your case there is some question after 20 years as to whether or not an engagement, or intent to marry, ever existed.
Also where there is violence there is likely spousal abuse. That is the legal issue you should be pursuing.
In any relationship, my advice is to never give gifts or loan money unless you intend to never retrieve that value. It should always be a real gift, not an exchange.
Some follow up questions.
Are there children.
Has child support been decreed.
Are there any other properties in question.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2019): If he will stop all contact with you I would suggest you give him back the ring and move on. You would not intend to keep it anyway, right? Wouldn't you sell or pawn it if you didn't give it back? Isn't it a small price to pay really to have an abusive man out of your life?In addition, I think in most areas in the US it his legal property if it was an engagement ring, which is considered a "conditional gift". Meaning, if the wedding doesn't happen then he would be entitled to get it back. If it was just a gift (birthday, christmas, just because) and not an engagement ring, then it legally belongs to the person who received it, you. Not sure how it goes in the UK. But still, in my opinion I think it would be better for you to give it back, send him on his merry way forever, and start your happier future without him or his baggage. I think getting rid of the ring will free you from that reminder of the violent situation you were in, and you are better off without him or it.The money you spent on him, just consider it tuition to the school of hard knocks. We have all paid some dues there unfortunately, but hopefully have learned valuable lessons in return. Best, R
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 February 2019):
If this is really a choice between your safety or a ring, I think... you should consider your safety.
If he knows how to get a hold of you to demand the ring back, then he can find you.
If he has your number (and you haven't blocked him and changed your number) or your address. you aren't going to be safe.
Also, if this was an engagement ring and YOU broke the engagement, the RING is his. Legally.
If you DO decide that "you know what he can have this ring so I can move forward without having to fear him popping up demanding the ring" then FIND and ask a FRIEND to deliver it. Ask the friend to do it in a public space so HE (the friend/family member) is safe too.
It's a ring. I get that you feel you OWN it as much as he does... but at the end of the day... it's a ring.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (21 February 2019):
 I think it is selfish of him to want it back, espessially in light of what he has put you through over the years.
Cut all contact with with, delete him off of everything and move on with your life, and keep the ring. If he keeps persuing you and you feel uncomfortable then report him.
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