A
female
age
41-50,
*ajic
writes:My now ex boyfriend and I had a very intense relationship. We were only together for 5 months but in that time we both fell desperately in love with each other. Here is a little bit of background info. He has a very needy job where he gets very little time off. With that he is incredibly ambitious. Before we met I had already planned to move away and we thought we could deal with the long distance because we loved each other so much. So I moved away and his work suddenly got super busy and we did not see each other for a month. Also if he ever got the chance to call me he would be on the phone moaning about his day and never ask me what was happening with me (as I was in a new place and lonely it would have been nice to have some support). We started arguing almost every time we spoke and after a month of this I could not take it anymore and I told him I couldn't do it and we had to break up. It was the hardest decision of my life and ultimately the wrong one. Just over a month has gone by and I know that he has not taken it very well, he has become very sick and depressive but is getting on with things. I too am not myself and have realised that I made such a huge mistake and that I love him far more then I ever thought. We have been speaking a little bit and I have told him I still love him and I want us to give it a second try. I told him I would move closer and that I would give up my life here for him because he is worth the sacrifice and I would regret it if I didn't at least try. He told me that he still loves me but he can't do this right now. He says he cannot put himself through what he has been through the last month, and the risk of hurt and failure is far too high and he is too emotionally vulnerable at the moment to even think about it. I don't know what to do. I do truly love him. We are both very ambitious professional people and both very logical. However the in this situation he is seeing it completely in a logical black and white fashion and I am not. I have tried to tell him that he needs faith and it is better to at least try and deal with the hurt if it fails because we have something far too special to lose! I don't know how to get this through to him. I don't know where I should go from here as I do truly love him and I know it will haunt me for the rest of my life if I do not try my hardest to make this right. I am just lost and in desperate need of help. What do I do?Thank you and I am sorry it is so long!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2008): Perhaps this is a case of right person, but wrong timing and circumstances. In other words, the two of you might very well be "right" for one another, BUT things happened to "interfere" with your budding relationship: you moved away; his job is very demanding and leaves him little free time; he (and you) are both very ambitious, and so on.
Not only that, but you were only dating five months. In the nature of things, the first few months can be very intense. You're in the throes of infatuation and have not had enough time to REALLY seriously get to know who the other is, good points and bad. Infatuation tends to blind us all to these things, whereas a longer time frame allows you to see your relationship more realistically.
Please understand: I'm not saying it might not have been a very good relationship if you had had more time together, and a greater number of months to let things develop. Maybe there were real possibilities for you both.
As it now stands, you found you couldn't take things any more, and decided to break up with him. Have your circumstances changed that much since you decided to split? Doesn't sound as if they have. Therefore: what guarantee do you have that you wouldn't find yourself just as frustrated as you were before? Basically, none.
You are pining for what might have been. That's why you feel you want to give it a second chance. That is not unreasonable. HOWEVER, HE is telling you he is not willing to go through all that grief again. You have to respect his position, even though you don't agree with it. Consider: you have stated your case to him, and let him know how you feel, and given him all the reasons why the two of you should try again.
UNLESS at some point in the future, he approaches you and tells you he's had a change of heart and mind and wants to try again, there is nothing more you can do. If you continue to try to persuade him and "get this through" to him, he will only feel pressured, and even less inclined to listen. He's told you how he feels and its up to you to accept it - or not.
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