A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I met a wonderful man in his mid forties. He has never been married or in been in a serious relationship, he has very limited sexual experiences with women. He is kind, successful,loyal, honest. When we first met we emailed for two months leading into our first date which was terrific. With his lack of dating experience he took things very, very slow.. I was just coming out of a long term 15 year relationship and gave him his space to grow into the relationship as I worked through my grief as well. Both of us have stressful jobs. As time progressed I would find that he would do activities with his guy friends up to four times a week leaving limited time to be with me. I did not want to pressure him so I waited till about the eight month we were together and said it appears that you have so many activities with the guys that you can only see me after all these acitivites and I would like to see you more. Now keepr in mind that there was a lot of kissing and cuddling but no serious intimacy at this point. His response was I have never been in a relationship because I never met the right girl that was worth giving up my time. As time progressed, he did compromise and we began to see oneanother more however very limited sexual activity because he had ED. PLease remember this is a top notch , intelligent caring person.. As the relationship hit the 2 year mark I was upfront and said what my dreams were which are comitment , family life , marriage to the right person. He responded he never thought of marriage and would not marry unless he was 100 percent it would work and that he was not sure he wanted to be married, I said there is no guarantee. At this point I started pulling back thinking it would not work. When we would talk on the phone he would cry and say how much he missed me and he was empty, however he kep up all his acitivites with his friends. We started dating again , when summer hit this year I felt he was regressing and hiding from his commitment fears by being with the guys up to four times a week. I had told him I understood his desire to golf and everything but relaionships require compromise and time. In addition, there was little time to work on the sex issue. One night we were out and it was the fourth time he was golfing that week and I got frustrated and in a kind manner broke up. In the heat of the moment I said please do not call me so I can try and move on. Well, he did not call. I missed him very much and knew how passive he is and called after three weeks and explained I did not see a future based on his actions and wanted to end the unhealthy cycle, plus Iwant to spare my daughter of becoming more attached. I said we are not kids and life is flying by and I would like to atleast hear from him without me bringing it up if he has any plan for our future. His response was I am a wreck , I am not dating anyone else and have not looked at anyone else, I do not know what will make me happy, I do not want to move (FYI- I have a gorgeous house an hour from his house with a daughter and do not want to uproot her life)IN any event, did I do the right thing? It appears we have different lifestlyles and goals? On the other hand he is one in a million because he is so nice and my daughter adores him. I know I want to get married and I think he is selfish.If anyone has any insight please help me!Thanks for hearing me out on this!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): He has issues and problems that you cant help him solve. He does sound selfish so dont waste anymore of your time. Who wants a baby who crys. Hes just keeping you around to tell the guys he has a chick, maybe his penis is so small it does not work, or maybe he has mother issues, you are normal so just stop taking his calls. Run girl there are better men out there, hes playing games with your head so you kiss his ass and prove yourslef to him but it should be the other way around and he should be all over you putting you first... Maybe hes gay... Anyway gat out while you can... You dont need to prove anything and he cant force you to bow down and kiss his but. His mother did not bring him up right... Tell him its through.
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (25 October 2009):
 Hi,
This man has all the wonderful qualities of a platonic friend, not a "boyfriend" or significant other. There are lots of wonderful people in the world so don't think he's the only one.
The key in selecting someone to share your life with is that he has to be willing to give of himself at a very deep level. For whatever reason, he can not do this. You've tried and given him ample space but it seems it just didn't progress forward to the place where you want to be in a relationship.
Actually I think what you did was very hard but I think you did the right thing. If you had continued on in this relationship you would be left feeling abandoned and lonely as he will continue with his male friends. It is entirely possible all of this is because he doesn't feel adequate about his sexuality but that is not your issue to solve. I am not sure if you tried at all to address this but if you did and then yes, move on.
It is a cop out for anyone to say "I need to be 100% sure you are the right one" because as you said, there is no guarantee. A successful relationship moves forward. Not every relationship is at the same pace but when a relationship isn't progressing, it's dying.
Find someone who shares your desires of intimacy and who wants to spend time with you.
Best wishes.
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