A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Everyone,Thank you for taking the time our to read all this. I broke it off with my boyfriend over two months ago and the thoughts of "did I overreact?" coupled with "I miss him so much" have started creeping in. So, I wanted to get some of your opinions about my situations in order to get out of my own head about it. Here goes. It first started with my boyfriend sending me a text saying "Which one of your grandparents are you going to going to see?" I knew this wasn't a text message meant for me because he knows both my grandparents have passed. I can't explain it, in the pit of my stomach, I knew something was wrong. I texted him back saying "I think you meant this for someone else..who could it be..lol?" He responded, "I apologize. I meant to send this message to John." We are in recovery and John is someone he is friendly with at AA meetings. I just had a sinking feeling and I am not a suspicious person at all. But something nagged at me about it which I found strange in itself. Anyway, the following weekend I was over at his place. I was going to leave town for 8 weeks and wanted to spend all my time with him before I left. We were at his place and I needed to look something up online and asked to use his computer. Mind you he had been between mobile phones and was using google voice since he had no cell phone at the time. For those of you who are unfamiliar with google voice, it's basically a phone account you get through your google email. In other words, all his text messages were on his email account. In any case, I wanted to check my email and found he was still logged in to his email account. That nagging feeling just took over, and I started to look through his text messages and found a few things. First, I noticed he had a several exchanges with a girl I'll call Anne. It was nothing severely inappropriate, but it was a lot of "what are you doing?" "that's so funny!!!" and some exchange about his AA meeting schedule. It seemed like they were both engaged. In the course of a week they texted on 4 separate occasions. Mind you, my boyfriend has always said things like "Men and women can't be friends, men always end up wanting to sleep with them" and does not have any female friends and said he doesn't need any. Anyway, I was still trying to keep a level head in light of these exchanges when I saw his text messages to John which started right before any of his exchanges started with Anne. He was inviting John to go to this particular Thursdays night meeting with him. My boyfriend also ask John to ask his sister (also in recovery) to invite Anne too saying: "Tell your sister to bring her friend too. What's her name?" Literally, two days later Anne and my boyfriend were starting to text one another. This to me was really the game changer. The fact that he specifically asked for her to come and then almost immediately after, started texting her. This felt like a boundary was crossed. Also, he had lied to me about who he was texting saying it was a message intended for John. It also didn't help that all of this was when I was leaving town for 8 weeks either. Anyway, I wanted to see what you all thought? Do you think I may have overreacted a tad or were my actions reasonable?Thanks again for reading:) It's a long one!
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broke up, engaged, his ex, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everybody, I really appreciate all the feedback. Some of your comments REALLY helped me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): He's only upset because he got caught and now you know what an a## he is. Don't feel bad about snooping, it's not something you want to do all the time but believe me plenty of people do it when something like this comes up and they often get the info they need to end a relationship with a cheater/liar. You are NOT unhealthy, he is.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 August 2014):
 What difference does it make if you had not left yet ?
He KNEW that you were leaving , and he knew the coast was going to be clear.
If it all had been friendly and innocent, he would have told you " yes, the text was for Anne, this lady I've met, she s X's sister.. ". Apparently he did not want you to know there was an Anne somewhere on the scene, and that's very suspicous, I think that when you make a new friend, male or female, you are sort of excited about it and would normally come up in conversation.
Regardless, sibce there HAS to be mutual trust in a relationship- suppose he was not romancing Anne ( veeery improbable ) - you still thought him very capable of it, and of keeping secrets from you and telling you lies. So, supposing this was jsut a trust issue of yours ( which though I don't feel it is the case ) that would mean that you are not ready yet to be in a healthy relatonship reagardless. So t's for the best that you terminated it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone:) I so appreciate you all.
Just to clarify a few things, that text about the grandparents was in fact meant for that lady. So yes, he did completely lie.
He did call to apologize but he never once said anything along the lines of him wanting a second chance/missing me/trying to make things work...he seemed defeated. The apology seemed more about him clearing his conscious than trying to ease my pain. Also, I believe apart of him was upset that I snooped on his phone as a few little things he said insinuated that.
It so hard because it's not exactly cheating but it feels the same way regardless.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (4 August 2014):
After two months it is easy to look back on the event and think "oh maybe I overreacted". For the sake of argument, you can apply this to most events where anger or strong emotions have taken over.
I think at the end of it all, we just want trusting partners and he obviously did not fill that shoe. Pick up the pieces and get back out there and look for a great guy. There's no need to analyze that past anymore :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for responding. All of this happened prior to me leaving town. You bring up some good points though.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2014): I think he was obviously pursuing this other woman, possibly to have an affair with her while you were away, and he was lying to you about it- even if you didn't know for sure that the specific text about the grandparents was meant for her he still concealed meeting this woman, asking for her to be included so he could meet her and his texts with her. You did the right thing to break up with him. How has he reacted to the break up? Has he contacted you at all or expressed that he misses you?
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 August 2014):
 Since the break up was two months ago, I would just leave it and try to conclude that you didn't overreact. Yes you miss him but even though he didn't physically cheat on you it's not a good idea to go back to him.
Based on what you told us, what's missing in the post was the communication between you while you were out of town. Did he say he missed you, wished you were here or did he sound uninterested and elusive? Also how he reacted when you confronted him and whether you've give him a chance to explain and defend this friendship. It would also help to know what your relationship was like prior to the AA meetings. The texts could be the last straw and there maybe other things leading to this break up. If you say you are not a suspicious person at all then you didn't overreact.
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