A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm unsure if I made a huge mistake or if it is just my mind playing games with me.I had been with my boyfriend for two and a half years. I moved to Florida a year ago so one out of those two years and a half were long distance.At first it was great, I felt as if the long distance was helping us improve our relationship and made us more in love with each other. In January, things started going downhill though. No Skype calls, no dirty talking, no conversations even on Whatsapp. As much as I would try, he would ignore my texts for hours, sometimes we exchanged five words. An example is, last month, he replied to my text in the morning, I replied back and didn't hear back from him until 1AM. I asked him why he hadn't texted me back (he had seen the message) and he told me he was having dinner with friends and it would be rude to get his phone out.I tried to understand. He was also pretty busy as he was organizing a huge event at his college so I tried to be patient but I couldn't help but feel I had lost him. The event was over, still barely any replies, no phone calls. I felt we were just strangers. One night I couldn't bear it and I called him crying, he told me not to cry and that he would change his ways. We hung up. I logged into Facebook and saw he was liking and commenting on girls' pictures. I know it might sound stupid to get upset over something like that but I don't see the point of liking a girl's picture if you have a girlfriend. I know I would NEVER do this out of respect for him.I couldn't bear it any longer. I broke up with him in the hopes that he would realize he still loved me if he felt he was losing me. This was two weeks ago and nothing has happened. He sometimes writes me emails telling me he misses me and when I write back, he ignores them. A few days ago I asked him if a friend could go to his house to pick up some books and films I could not bring with me when I moved (the point of doing this is that I am going back in a few months and I know that I will still miss him then and I will want to use the excuse of coming over to his house to pick my things up just to see him in the hope that something will happen). He replied saying that he wanted to give me the things himself. I told him I didn't want to see him and he asked me if he is "that worthless to me" and that we shouldn't let this go just like that forever.What do you guys think he means by this?Do you think I made a huge mistake by breaking up with him? Should I have been more patient? I cry every night. I try to move on, I am trying to work out, live a better way, have fun, meet people, but all these things make me feel better for a little while only.. I feel absolutely heart broken even though I was the one who initiated the break up :( I can tell he isn't sad at all, he takes about one or two days to reply to my emails and I feel like that shows that he isn't THAT interested in talking to me...
View related questions:
broke up, facebook, long distance, move on, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 March 2013):
 In defence of the boy, yes, it is VERY rude to get your phone out and keep tecting other people when you are with friends or guests :).
But, regardless of the more or less valid justifications he could have, you felt a change, a cooling off , a distance, and you freaked out.
Big mistake. The rule is always : say what you mean and mean what you say. Never " break up " out of spite, frustration, impulse , .... just to have to eat your words two hours later , or worse to teach somebody a lesson or " scare " them. Only break up when you are prepared to have it stay broken. And, before reaching that point, TALK. Define in your mind clearly what are your wants and needs in terms of everything, including communication and number of contacts, make it clear, and if it does not work for the other person, you can always negotiate a compromise and meet each other halfway.
Your bf , for instance, since you had always been in the same place, did not know how you want to do long distance, and it's not the same for everybody. Some people needs constant communication and reassurance, but there are also happy, stable couples that can do serenely with two phone calls a week or less. First explain, then cry and freak out , not the opposite.
Said that, yet somehow I feel that the cooling off you felt is real. LDR is always difficult, and at your young age, what with the pressure and excitement of college life, it is easy to get distracted. Or at least to resent the burden of a " real " relationship.
So I think his volubile behaviour now, - he misses you but not too much, he contacts you first but then does not answer, is not as innocent as it could seem, like that of a guy who's hurt but too proud etc. etc. To me it sounds more as if he is dangling the carrot of a possible reunion for when you are back, just in case. So now he can enjoy his freedom and his singlehood , and still keep you interested if better plans do not pan out, you never know.
Of course I can't be mathematically sure of what I am saying, but, well, that would be a classic M.O. in a situation like yours , where a partner wants to keep his cake and eat it too. Being independent and have lots of space, but also be able to count on soembody loving and trustworthy ... if and when it won't be too much bother.
That's why you should proceed with caution in your attempts to reconnect, and , as other posters said, stop playing games . Communicate openly , clearly and sincerely instead, what you'd want and what you'd need , and see if you are still on the same page.
A
female
reader, amazingk  +, writes (18 March 2013):
 I don't think your intention was to "play games". You were just looking for reassurance of his love, which unfortunately you weren't able to find. Sounds like he was pulling the "slow fade"; withdrawing contact in hopes that you would get the point and do what he wasn't man enough to do himself: break up with you. If you misinterpreted him, he wouldn't have hesitated to correct you. But he just rode along with it.
He may care about you, but not enough to do whatever it takes to keep you. Everyone deserves someone that's 100% in, not a long distance boy with lukewarm feelings. Be strong and love yourself first.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2013): OP here. Re-reading this, I do sound pretty psycho. It's just hard to write down my feelings.
I didn't break up to play with his head (for the record, I DID NOT chose the title of the post). I broke up with him because I was feeling miserable, I felt like I needed out of a relationship that was just making me sad and angry but I deep inside I wanted him to come back begging for me to take him back and things would be as they used to be, I know it sounds stupid but oh well.. just thought I should clarify this!
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (18 March 2013):
Wow, you have taken game playing to a whole new level. But apparently you're not ready for this level of game playing, hence the misery you feel.
This may sound too simple but I'd recommend communication. I know, he should be able to read your mind, but apparently he isn't telepathic.
I don't think you were being understanding of the reality of an LDR. Things inevitability cool off; there are only so many chats you can have, so him not responding to your satisfaction isn't necessarily a sign that he didn't love you.
And his post break up responses indicate he still cares for you. Just because he isn't spilling his guts out to avoid embarrassment doesn't mean he isn't hurt.
You have a LOT to learn about men.
...............................
|
