A
female
age
51-59,
*radu8
writes:I recently discovered that my boyfriend posted an ad on an online personals column. I broke up with him.I don't want to lose him. I am losing my mind.He says he loves me.Should I go against the advice of all my friends and my therapist and take him back?
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male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (5 November 2007):
 hI,
It looks like you are looking for an excuse to take this guy back despite all the good advice of those close to you.
Sorry, but you wont get it from here. Unfortunately a lot of people are cheaters, you just happen to have had a relationship with one. Nothing is going to change that, if you want to be like countless others who turn a blind eye to their partner's indescretions then go ahead by all means.
Otherwise, you know there is only one course of action. You could always meet someone who is not a cheater, they are out there by the way.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2007): Hun, when a couple make a life of committment together, they have to have two things. Love and trust. These are very vital core building blocks...you 'must have that, completely and totally. Anything even a teeny bit less and you don’t have those things. You can take him back and settle for less. And we both know that "anything less than a full trust" is nothing but future suspicion and pain for you. You will always wonder, what he's up to. So, by ignoring what he did, may come back and cause further pain, in a few years down the road, when the relationship settles into long-term comfort, ease and complacency. I see what he did as a 'poor, unloving choice'..some will call it just curiosity. Whatever caused him to do this, your bf set in motion, a behavior that displayed a blatant prelude to cheating. So I really question the character of this man and perhaps, you should too. When a man is about to cheat, he makes a clear headed choice to do this. No one talked him into it. No one forced him. For him to make the effort and go to the trouble of setting up a profile on a dating site, it's clear he was fantasizing about cheating, he was playing it out in his head, wasn't he? He was making an effort to bring the 'act of cheating' about. Your bf did all of this. He was practicing to make it happen. Now you decide. Do you want to spend a future trying to stop him from doing this to you? Or will he do it again? You will be wondering.
Your love, your trust-your sense of committment to him cannot force him to be what he is not. PLease listen to your friends, your therapist because just as your bf is thought only about himself, so must you-think about yourself and the best interests, in your future. Your wishing, your hoping, and his false promises to 'never do this again' does not change the harsh fact that he had intent. There is no way that you can’t undo what you know about this man, now. I say, move on...for him to have done this, should tell you he does not feel about this relationship the way you do. Do what many of us have done..cry, yell, shout your grief and with time it will abate and the cloud will lift. There is a great life out there for you and someday, a wonderfully committed man. But heal first and just don't settle because 'you love him'. Those are your feelings and they cannot be projected onto him. He says he loves you. You need to rethink that because he did a very 'unloving' thing to you. But it's your decision, hun and I wish you the best with that. Good luck and keep us posted.
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A
male
reader, dapone 1  +, writes (4 November 2007):
 hello.
If you have seen a therapist about your problem, then i would go by what ever suggestions that he has made to you, i dont think that any on this site would say anything against advise a therapist has already given, so i am unable to help you with this problem sorry.
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