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female
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anonymous
writes: I broke up with my bf of one year few days ago. He loved me to death, but I asked for the breakup and broke his heart. I feel so sad and have been crying for days about it. I am not sure if I am doing the right thing. I decided to break up because we were always fighting. To be more specific, I always find fault with things he say/do and pick a fight with him. I don't think I intentionally find fault, but I am so sensitive about everything he says. Our relationship started off as a fling. A few weeks after it started, I moved to another city for work assignment, but we traveled back and forth to see each other for one whole year. The long distance has strengthened us because we always have to talk on the phone, but at the same time also weakened us due to the distance. I still travel 90% of the time and will continue to do so over the next few years for work. My career is very important for me and I am not willing to give it up. This has to do with my parents' relationship that did not work out. After my dad left, my mum single-handedly sent all her children to college because she had a job. I've seen many children whose futures are destroyed due to financial difficulties related to divorce.I grew up watching so many infidelities that I feel that my career should be more important than love. My heart aches for my bf but I broke up with him anyway. Whenever we fight, I say very mean things to him, which is bad for his esteem. I don't want to do that to him anymore. He's great and always supportive to me, even offering to move to different city for me.I am also worried that he's just making promises because he's still "in love". It took my dad 17 years to realise he doesn't love my mum. I find fault with him, but I am the fault. I am so sad and I don't know what I want.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2005): listen to your heart. perhaps rekindling the old passion is not possible as one would imagine the state of confusion and perplexity that the both of you are going through. but there is a chance, a good one, that you could feel intensity of his commitment, if you open your heart to it. perhaps then, another variant of passion will emerge to be equally or more satisfying. there is much parallel being drawn between your cold actions to your past; however, be fair to yourself and to your man. try to imagine how he would be in the future for you, as he was to you and everyone else who he ever cared about in the past. by your words of sorrow, you fear of your emotional past would be repeated in the future; the burden of ensuring that your immediate family will never have to see you endure another phase of suffering. but certainly you must realize that the chances of that happening is unrealistically low. most infidelities are over-rated and happy marriages are oftenly under-rated for various reasons. if he truly loves you, he will never commit to you in holy matrimony, and then walk out of you in the future, as he must truly understand your history. by the words of your heart, it seems that you love him and yearn for him, but retract yourself to prevent hurt in the future. ask yourself, are you truly listening to your heart or replaying old reruns of your parent's past? you probably know by now that if he truly loves you, his passion for you would have survived your many years working abroad. only you could allow yourself to break free from your moldings; you're human, you have a choice.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2005): i have had the same problem. remember one thing, love never ends. even if you two never get back together he will still remain in your heart. if you two are meant to be, you will get back together. my bf and i broke up numerous times and were still together. we have been for 3 years and we share a cild. with us being apart , it made both of us realize how we both meant to each other. i have said hatred things to him and so has he. but they are just words out of anger. talk to him and see if you two even sill have a spark. you could love someone but not be meant to be with them. talk to him and if he loves and respect you he will understand your work and your lifestyle and you can also agree on someting. hang in there un. i hope things will be better.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2005):
You are not a good girlfriend.
Naturally everyone projects their best qualities when you meet a new person, but in your case its going to just lead people on.
Stay away from this poor guy. And in the future make sure people know that you arent relationship material.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2005): I recently experienced something similar so I will try to explain what my thoughts were in this reply.
In terms of background I would say I am similar to you.
He is my first boyfriend. I'm not sure if that's the same but I fight with my boyfriend a lot as well. Not intentionally, but little things always seem to crop up. And it seems that each week there is something new to fight about. This is frustrating to me because I didn't think a good relationship was about fighting.
Also, my family is not well off. I wouldn't say that we're struggling but I've started working as soon as I can to pay for the things I want. This has made me very independent and career-minded. My parents used to fight about money a lot and as a child I went without some things that other kids got. I come from a large family so my parents didn't have that much time for me. And having conflicts in the family meant that as children my brothers and sisters and I didn't get along very well. So to a certain extent I didn't learn to trust people. I relied on myself in everything I did.
I wouldn't say that I grew up with infidelities. Sure there were people I knew that were in relationships that did not end well ie divorce, break ups etc. Maybe having seen more of these hardens you to your future relationships like it sounds in your case.
Having explained my background, this is what happened between my boyfriend and I.
We would have these arguments which were generally me being angry at something he'd done. It would start with us meeting or talking on the phone. I would get angry because he had done/not done, said/not said something that I thought he should have. I didn't bring it up at the time and went away. I brooded over it until I had the courage to discuss it (which was usually quite quickly thank goodness). He had no idea I felt this way so he couldn't have done anything unless I said something.
After a lot of heated talk we would sort it out in a way that was comfortable for the both of us. I had to learn to accept that in some cases I was wrong. What my brain was telling me he meant he hadn't meant.
A lot of the times, he had not meant for me to interpret the situation in the way I did. And if I had talked to him about it straightaway (and trusted him enough) we would have had it cleared and I would not have been hurt. It was a lot about giving him the benefit of the doubt.
I've learnt that as women and men we are quite different as well as individuals. In a relationship you need to be able to trust the other person and you need to communicate. Having arguments is ok as long as you try to discuss them and have the courage to deal with them. At the end of the day you need to decide for yourself whether your relationship together is worth going through the fights because at times you will be hurt. At times you will think and it may be true that he has done/not done and said/not said something that he should. But how will he know if you don't tell him? And once you tell him what you two do with that will tell you how the relationship will go. If you care about each other enough to compromise and work on things then that is a big plus for the relationship.
It sounds like your boyfriend really cares about you. I wasn't sure mine did until we actually had gone through arguing and making up a few times. Each time he stuck with me and helped me through it. We cared enough about each other to keep going. It seems like your boyfriend is willing to do the same. Do you care about him enough to do the same? It sounds like he trusts you regardless of all the fighting. Regardless of what you say and do he cares.
Are you willing to trust him regardless of how the situation looks? If the situation looked like he was doing something to hurt you would you doubt him? Or would your trust and love be enough to overcome that doubt, to face the hurt, and to be honest enough to bring it into the open and discuss it with him? That is what is happening now! The fighting has made you think that even though he says he cares he doesn't really. And if you stay together one day he will decide he doesn't love you anymore.
Are you using your experiences in the past to judge his actions? If so to a certain extent this is unfair. Your boyfriend is not any of those people.
Another thing, you care about him and don't want to put him through the fights. But he cares about you to the extent of wanting to move closer to you. If you care about him and he wants to be with you then why break up?
If you trust him, care about him, then you need to talk to him about all this. Then you two can work it out together. It won't be perfect and you would still fight but what you have together will hopefully make you happy. It might help if you talk to friends and family or someone that will give you an objective yet caring advice. Sometimes we get so caught up with emotions that we don't think straight.
I hope that helps. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, nutella  +, writes (16 November 2005):
It sounds like you've got a really good insight into how your family background has affected your present relationship - which is great. It sounds as though you are a little 'commitment phobic', which is understandable when you've watched what people can do to one another, and don't want to hurt or be hurt. Whatever you decide to do, don't beat yourself up any more. Be gentle with your feelings and take time to look after yourself, and to come to terms with your past. Think about your fears and to what extent they are realistic - and if you are still unsure about your decision, talk to your ex, tell him what you've written here. It might help him to better understand what has happened, and to support you if he can. Take care and good luck.
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