A
female
age
30-35,
*nterOne91
writes:Hello all. I'm new here and seeking some assistance with an issue I'm presently dealing with. I appreciate all who answer and want to apologize first hand for possible grammatical errors. Here goes:A little over two weeks ago I decided to call of my engagement of three years with a man I had known for nearly 11 years, but dated for 8. He is soon to be 29 and I am 25. We've always had our troubles here and there, but the last straw was when his mother crossed the line by physically and verbally assaulting me. My ex fiancé is an only son and I tried my best for his parents to like me, but decided to distance myself from his family as 1) I felt uncomfortable since I'm of another ethnicity, and 2) his mother always made comments about my ethnicity that made me feel inferior. She always tried to make me inferior and I discussed with my ex all of the time about the distress I was enduring. He always chalked it up to,"My parents love you...." Anyway...a little over two weeks ago his mother showed up unannounced at his house. Apparently she wanted to discuss something with me that she felt I purposely did to her last year! Last year! Apparently I've "ostracized" her by excluding her from my life. Well, truly I did in a sense because I was tired of being mistreated and decided to move on and focus on my own life, meeting people and spending time with others not linked to her. I didn't really want to have the discussion because I knew it was going to be a disaster. I asked if we could please talk about it another time? She said,"We're going to talk about it now!" I didn't want to talk because I didn't want my anger to get the best of me and I end up saying something disrespectful to my ex's mother. She told me that I need to get over how she's made me feel if I wanted to marry her son. She said I'm too sensitive and that if her mother-in-law called her something racist that she'd take it. At this point I headed to leave the room but she proceeded to block it. The second time I tried to yank open the door, my fingers got shut in it. I tried calling my ex's name to help, but he didn't show up. So I called a cab to pick me up because she's causing trouble and my ex isn't doing anything about it. Long story short, she continued to assault me by grabbing and pulling on my clothes and bags, following me all over the property just so she could hurl insults at me. She called me a "smug b****." She said I act like I'm better than everyone and that I always get what I want. Said I've been stringing along her son for three years and a bunch of mess. Not once did my ex come out and help me and in fact said that I was the one who lashed out. When my cab arrived she paid him to leave and my only way out was to run off the property. I've since blocked all contact. For some reason, I feel guilty even though I didn't do anything, like put my hands on her when she was egging me on to. When I talk to my family about it, they make it seem like I was wrong for calling off my engagement since it wasn't my fiancé to blame. Their reasoning. Is it wrong that I called it off? It's been two weeks and no one has sent an apology. I know it wasn't entirely my ex's fault, but he disappeared on me while his mother was abiding me and not once offered help! Why am I wrong for choosing to move on? I'm so confused? And then I'm worried he will find someone ten times better than me and my grandmother said,"Why are you afraid? You gave up!" What did I do wrong???
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 June 2016):
 Very well done. You were abused, you recognized it, you did not return violence, and you left the situation. Now it is about time you get into a healthy relationship for the first time in your life. Take a few months to get your self truly separated from him (a good rule of thumb is one month per year so 8 months). Then get out and meet people more like you. Date more than one. Hang out with more than one. You need to know more about what you like and don't like.
I personally have no trouble with you breaking the engagement. Trust was broken when he refused to protect you from abuse. I would suspect that he is also a victim.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 June 2016):
 You didn't give up. Honestly, your own family sounds pretty bad as well, who are they to shame you for ending this abusive relationship?! Yes, your official relationship was with your ex boyfriend, and not his mother, but his mother clearly came along as a package deal. And that's not a deal I would be happy to take either.
If you marry someone who is this attached to his family/mother, that they repeatedly come to your house, block the entry, are physically and verbally abusive, then it's NOT like you are marrying only your boyfriend. You are, in effect, also marrying this abusive person, because they become part of your family.
I think you tried for years. You did the opposite of giving up. You tried and tried and did everything you could. What happened now wasn't you giving up. What happened now was you drawing the line and standing up for yourself. This was over the line. You don't want people to treat you this way. And trust me, NO MAN is worth this. Even if he had showed up to defend you, it wouldn't be enough! He would have had to make sure his mother NEVER was allowed in the house again, and he'd have to cut contact with her himself! That's how far he would have to go in order to stop her! And he wasn't doing that. So he was choosing her over you. He made a choice in this, so don't excuse him by saying it was his mothers doing and not his. He was there in the house, he didn't come to help you. He knew what was going on, but he ignored it.
I would NEVER let a family member of mine treat someone I loved this way. Let alone someone I intended to marry! Loyalty, in my book, goes to your partner/spouse, and parents/rest of the family come second in line.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2016): It is hard to make sense of this without having been there. The main point is your boyfriend should have stepped in to calm this down. He seems to have behaved in quite a cowardly way. It seems also as though this has been brewing for a while and there was a head of steam. Whilst you may look back and see things you could have done better and perhaps remember acts of kindness from your exe's mother (not just evidence of disrespect)it looks as though you were not a happy mix altogether. Your differences in ethnicity are important to you and are one of the reasons that you do not feel comfortable with them. What did you want in the situation? Did you want to be with him but not his mother and family? That would have upset me as a mum as well. I might have been afraid that I was being alienated from my child. I would have roared as well but would never touch a human being as she did you. For whatever reason it seems that talking it through was not possible. Do you love him? Do you think you may have been at fault to an extent? You were together a long time, so it can't have been so very bad all the time? Or perhaps things reached a conclusion and this is a sign that you should not marry him. However, sometimes being right is just not worth the fight. If you want him back write to him and confess to your part only. Have some humility and apologise for your part only. If you have been judging his family and putting a wedge between people ask yourself why. Leave some way of making contact. If you do not want to be with him, fine, you did the right thing. If you love him, you need to take a risk and know that your attempt to make up could be rejected. That is what love is.
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