A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:After a long time of her not being willing to spend time with my friends/family, I recentley suggested to my girlfriend we should take a break from eachother so she could decide if she's willing to change that. I felt quite lousy for suggesting it, as she couldn't really see a problem in the relationship, while the whole her not seeing my family/friends thing had been keeping me up at night.It's a shame such a thing had to happen over Christmas, but after the odd texting session, she wanted to come to drop off Christmas presents, so in her words, we could do a 'swap' and she'd go home..anyway, I think I took that too literal. She got here at the time she said she would, and after an awkward hello and bit of small talk, I invited her inside for a tea/coffee/whatever drink she wanted and she turned it down in quite a snappy way. So, naturally, I snapped back at her and said fair enough, and she went on her way.Literally 30 seconds into the house I get a phone-call, shes in her car outside, crying her eyes out, saying how horrible I was, (in fairness I felt like a douchebag for being so short and one dimensional with her), so I invited her in so we could talk about it and she wouldn't come in. Basically, I feel horrible for making her cry (First time I've made her cry in a 4 year relationship) and where do you think this stands? I'd get back with her if she'd change the family thing, but after 4 years, I just don't know if people can change. I know it's not looking good, I do miss her but I really feel like I've got to stand my ground here or nothing will change.Any opinions will be welcome.Thank you.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 December 2011):
 And do you spend the same time with HER family/friends ?...
Maybe I am missing the point, but why is this even such a big issue. Not everybody is fond of big family get togethers,-especially other people's families. Maybe she has things in common and subjects to talk about with you, but not with your family and friends, so she feels bored or uncomfortable , and the idea is not to strongarm her into liking them, it won't work.
As long as she do not refuse ALL contacts on principle, and is polite and respecftul when these ( limited ) contacts happen...it should be enough.
A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (28 December 2011):
 First of all, you didn't "make" her cry. The two of you got into an argument. Adults do that sometimes. Unless you started verbally abusing her (such as calling her names like "bitch" or making fun of her and ridiculing her), you have every right to stand up for yourself. You are not a "douche" for doing so, and you're certainly not a horrible person.
I was going to ask for reasons why she dislikes your family when it hit me....you say that she won't be around your friends either? What is her problem? You've been dating 4 years. To reject everyone else you love besides her is a really big red flag.
It truly sounds like she is controlling, especially if she's got you so cowed that you feel bad for "making her cry", because you didn't. It's time to see your relationship for what it really is and make this break permanent. You can't have a trial break to see if she'll learn her lesson. It's been 4 years. She will not change, and you're young enough to end what obviously isn't a serious relationship to her.
Leave her be. Don't call her with the "I feel horrible" thing, or she'll learn that she can manipulate you with her tears. Seriously, look at this objectively, man! You invited her in, she snapped and refused, and so you snapped in kind. Then she, like a child having a tantrum, calls you in the car to tell you how awful you are? She needs to grow up.
Time to cut your losses and walk away. This relationship has no future.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2011): If this is the first time you've made her cry in four years, well done mate! It's ok, you know that you were being a bit short with her as you misunderstood it being an in out kind of situation. I would text her that you feel really bad , and then arrange a meeting via phone call, if she doesn't reply leave a voicemail. Wait for her to call you, It'll clear up! Four years isn't worth throwing away after that!
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