A
female
age
41-50,
*irlwiththemissingsmile
writes:I have broken it off with my boyfriend of two and a half years. I love him very very much and we have tried and tried but I felt I had to end it because we can't seem to make each other happy any more and I am just so exhaustedI really have nothing left to give. But I really don't know if I have done the right thing. I can't seem to make it right, but I'm worried he is the person I'm supposed to be with for always and that having lost him.no one else will ever compare.We are incredibly close as we work together, he is my best friend, we see each other virtually every day and we talk every day. He is a lovely caring man who is more attentive than probably anyone I've ever known. What has come between us is basically a load of stressful situations, and also that I just feel we want different things. For instance he lives at home and doesn't really have much ambition to leave.I don't think, he doesn't save for the future, whereas I live with friends and am trying desperately to get money together so that one day I can have somewhere of my own.I feel like we've built a relationship around his family and friends, who I love spending time with but I wish he could find the space and time to be with mine tooIn all the time we've been together he never met my parents, for instance.Things have been very stressful for both of us lately. He is unhappy at work (as I have been and we all are from time to time) and I try to listen and offer support and advice but I can't fix the situation for him and I don't see him doing anything to change his situation. Sometimes I'm afraid I lose patience but I do feel I've tried to help him. Also back in September he had a seizure and has had several since, we still don't know what is wrong with him. He has been for loads of tests and they are still going on. That has been really hard, I have tried to support him with that but it has really brought him down. And just lately I've been studying on top of work which has meant I'm tired and don't always have the energy for him that I should.I love him but it was just argument after argument in the end. I know I can be really impatient and I blame myself for a lot of it going wrong. At the same time I know I tried. I don't know how to cope with him being there at work too, now it's over. We work on the same floor and it's going to be so hard to be with him every day, there's no space for us to have a break-up. I can't see anything good on the horizon and I just don't know what to do with myself. If anybody out there has been where I am right now and can offer any thoughts I would appreciate it.
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female
reader, TEM  +, writes (6 February 2011):
 Your story is the same as my story when I was your age. This is a truly heart-wrenching decision, but, painful as it is, you are making the right one by breaking it off.
I was with a boyfriend for four years (ages 17-21) when the time came to decide whether or not to get married. Just like you, I would not let him spend very much time with my family, but I spent a lot of time with his. That is very telling. I knew my family didn't think he was very good "husband material."
It was true. He was a wonderful lover, but he did not have what I needed in a life partner. Like you, we didn't have the same values. We didn't want the same things out of life. He was a gentle soul, and we had many of the same interests. I did love him, but I had to tell him we could not get married. I knew if we did, we would end up divorced. That's what I saw when I looked out to the future.
His family was very angry at me, at first. It was brutal.
Even though I did the breaking up, I was just as heartbroken as he was. I feel for you. I know what you are going through. If you look out into the future and can not imagine him there, then it is time to say goodbye.
We also had to see each other everyday. I would actually schedule my crying in around my lunch hour when no one could see me. I cried for a year. I understand how weary you are right now, but you are actually being the strong one. Just take one day at a time. Things will slowly get better.
I will tell you how my story ended. We both went on to marry other people. A couple of years later I met and married a man much more suited to me. We have two children and have been happily married for many years. When we broke up he moved in with the first person that would have him. They ended up divorced.
You know this is for the best. It will be very hard at first, but in time he will come to accept it. Perhaps, after a while you may be able to be friends.
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