A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ii I'm having a hard time coming to grips with why my ex-girlfriend is treating me so bad and won't speak to me anymore. Grant it, I broke it off because I cheated on her to be with my first love which by the way didn't work out. I've done everything possible to prove to her that I'm sorry for cheating on her and that I didn't know how to tell her because I was confused plus I didn't want to hurt her because she was really sweet. It's been almost a year since I last saw her. I sent her a Facebook message through my buddies account and she wrote back cursing me bad. A mutual friend told me she wigged out and fell out crying when she got my message and got blasted drunk which isn't like her because she doesn't like the taste of alcohol. I feel like a heel for everything and worse because she won't let me near her to tell in person so she can see it in my face and voice that I'm for real this time. I'm not saying what I did was cool at all. I did her wrong big time major big time. she doesn't have a bf. I want to right my wrong and do right by her. is there a way I can turn what i did to her around? I guess what I'm looking for is ideas about what's inside her mind about me like from before i did her wrong, what it did to her mind, why she won't even say a nice word to me or talk to me? What should I do to get her to forgive me and trust me at least as a friend like she was to me before we even was bf and gf? I'm not going to make it like she did something wrong cause she didn't. it was me. am I out of place to hope for a second chance? I would give her a second chance. Please help me figure out how to repair the damage I've done to her. I thought she would have been better by now. It's been almost a year. I feel like shit because I love her. I want to tell her to her face. is possible she still loves me and that's why she zapped out crying and got drunk? Did I lose her? Don't tell me yes please don't. I have to fix her heart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2011): just leave her alone. i got an ex doing exactly the same and sending me letters in the mail and it just makes me hate him more. it's over. face it. he and i broke up 4 years ago and he still can't over come it. thats very pathetic.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): Advice to you, leave her alone. You are sorry now but that didn't stop you from cheating and you're only trying to get with this girl because your relationship with "your first love" didn't work out and this girl is currently single. She obviously doesn't want any contact with you but you persist to try and contact her. She trusted you and you hurt her big time, no use trying to be a martyr and fix this with her, the only way you can do that is to not hurt the next girl you date, life is about learning from your mistakes. Let this be a lesson in how not to treat someone, even when the opportunity to cheat arises..someone always gets hurt. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (19 February 2011):
You can't fix someone else's heart for them after you have betrayed them. At this point you need to leave her alone, give her space, and respect her feelings which right now are very negative toward you. You need to accept that this is how she feels about you now, and let her have those feelings and not try to make her change.
You need to have more compassion for her and not be trying to make her forgive you because that's being selfish, it's wanting what YOU want, not wanting her to be happy.
Realize that cheating on someone is one of the most destructive things you can do to a relationship (other equally horrible things would be abusing your partner). Studies have shown that when people find out their partner cheated on them, it's more traumatic than if their partner were to die.
You didn't just cheat on her, you wanted to use her as a security blanket. You cheated on her, then you broke up with her to be with the other girl (better than staying while cheating though). But only when that other relationship didn't work out then you came back wanting to get back. Imagine how this makes her feel. that not only did you betray her trust, but she's the second fiddle, this is highly insulting.
And I don't think you can say for sure that you would give her a second chance if you were in her shoes. At least not as justification for why she "should" give you a second chance.
why would she be so upset? it may not mean that she still loves you, it could be because she hates you for betraying her trust.
realize that at this point, the more you try to persuade her to forgive you the more damage you are doing to her. If you truly love her, you should back off so as to let her heal and process things on her own time, because by being in her face you're just re-opening old wounds and are not respecting her feelings (by saying she "should" be over it by now, you have no right to judge how much time it should take for her to heal or if she even heals completely from you).
you should back off, leave her alone, and if and when she forgives you it will be on her own time line, not yours.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (18 February 2011):
 Best thing you can do is move on. If she hasn't already healed (which I suspect she actually has), the best way to help her get better is to let her carry on with her life, without you.
I know you don't want to hear this, but you've lost her. Let it go gracefully. Go find a new girl.
Examine your motivation for pursuing this girl again. Is it because she's really so special? Or are you just short on options right now? Are you trying to make her feel better, or are you trying to make yourself feel like less of a douchebag for the way you treated her? I think all this concern is really unhealthy for both of you.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (18 February 2011):
I don't reckon you can say that you would give her a second chance. You don't know what you would do if she cheated on you.
Some people use to give a second chance to cheaters. Some people give more than a second chance too. Other people (like me, for example) don't give a second chance. And from what you wrote about your girlfriend I don't think she's the kind of person giving a second chance. She wants you so far away from her that I don't think it's possible for you to get forgiven.
If what I think is true, the best you can do —if you really love her— is leave her alone once and for all. Since she already asked you to leave her alone, doing so will be appreciated.
There are things that can't be fixed, specially by the person who broke them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): She sounds pretty hurt to me.
The thing is that things have changed and once trust has become an issue it is really hard to get it back.
Also, it seems to me that if you are serious you need to approach her in person, quietly, not through somebody elses face book account.
Are you very sure that you are not just feeling guilty, and suddenly you have realised what you have lost. She was sweet and you didn't want to hurt her so you cheated and lied?
The other issue is that if she does not want to have a relationship with you then I am sorry, but you need to move on. From the sounds of it it would seem that she really would prefer it if you left her alone, and to be honest if you do have any feelings for her you will grant her this.
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A
female
reader, MelonieeKathrynnn-x  +, writes (18 February 2011):
 Well, im a girl i know how she feels. But my advice is: give her a bit of space for a while. Dont go straight into asking her out build up a bit of friendship first it will get better, especially if you love each other. Btw how do you post questions?x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): Evaluate yourself: Why did you cheat? There was something lacking in the relationship.
- Hadn’t you put your feelings for your first love in an appropriate place before you began dating this girl?
- Did you feel hungry for more or forbidden sex / attention, and take up the opportunity?
Uncover the exact cause of why you cheated. You will need to work on truly adapting and changing yourself.
You cheated because you wanted something your relationship didn’t have. You cheated and left, hoping things would work out with you first love. Your first relationship ended for a reason. Evaluate that reason. You said things didn’t work out, so now you’re alone, wanting what worked before. Think about it. If you truly loved her, you wouldn’t have tried to “trade up”. Evaluate how you viewed and treated her, and how you view and treat her now.
Let me tell you something. There are few things more devastating to a woman in a committed relationship that her man forming, or in this case, reforming, an deep emotional bond with another woman. Sex is just the icing on the cake. I can understand her pain. When a woman truly loves, it’s almost spiritual. The woman who loves you wants to be the center of your heart, your best friend, and devoted lover. And she don’t wanna share you (most of the time) with anyone else.
I truly doubt you will be able to win back her trust. You may even have damaged her trust in men for the long term. You are not ready to pursue her, or any other for that matter, until you come to grips with the pain you have the potential to cause, and know the true deep value of love. For one year, make it your goal to learn love, and know how to spot it. Evaluate how your life touches other and the impact you can have. Focus on reforming yourself as a better man. Then, only then, will you be ready for a new relationship. I’m sorry that this isn’t the answer you want, but you need to turn over a new leaf, and let her be. She needs time to heal.
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