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male
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anonymous
writes: For the past 3 and 1/2 years I have been with my girlfriend. We have been happy, and we have had our problems. In the past 6 months or so she has been getting irritated in the fact that we both still live at home with my mum. They clash a little and she finds herself saying yes all the time just to be nice even though she doesn't agree with what my mum says. The plan was to move out in the next couple of months with a friend of mine so we could buy a house. One day she just got fed up with the house and the tension and my flaws, and left to move in with one of her female work friends. She has her flaws but I overlook them as I love her. I think the negativity in the house has taken its toll on her patience. Over the past 6 months I have been starting my own business and working shift work at nites as well, whilst she works during the day. So this has ultimately taken its toll on our time out, not allowing me to give her the time she deserved. My reasoning for doing this is that I had to make sacrifices to be able to set us up for the future. Our wait was almost over. We were going to stick it out then we have our own space for privacy and we could talk and do what couple should do, like baths with candles and nice relaxing music. Things you cant do when your mum lives with you. lol She left 3 weeks ago now. Since then we have been out for dinner a few times and she stayed with me for my birthday. However, she is very hot and cold with what she wants. One minute I was saying, "will I find someone out there who loves me as much as you"? Her response was "NO, you will never find someone out there who loves you as much as me"!!! then she says we can move out in a couple of weeks to our own place. the next thing I know she is saying she doesn't think anything will change as people can't change and that she can't really see us together at the moment, and she has feelings for me but she doesn't know if she loves me. Or she might say well you're being nice now but it is all too late. Why is it too late? I can't change until I know what she really feels. She never gave me the opportunity to let me know how she really felt. Polish females tend to listen to the male figure in the family and don't say what they feel. People in marriages don't just turn their backs when you come up against small challenges. Next, we went out for lunch and we talked about our problems. she said she was happy where she was and that she didn't know what she wanted. But she said she loves me and she wont rule us out. We then parted with a kiss, which was initiated by her. I think she is scared as she doesn't know if she can see things changing, i.e. us really moving out. I feel people can change if they want to. I now know what the problems were, and I am willing to change those things. They are small sacrifices to be with the women of my dreams. She is the only girl to take my breath away! One of the problems is she does not really have that many people to turn to over her. So she has turned to her work friends, who don't know me very well at all. Well in the 3 and 1/2 years I have been with her I have met these people twice at work functions. I feel they are getting in her head as they don't know about my positives. At the moment she is probably resentful I couldn't read the signs earlier to move out and is focusing on the bads. I know she loves me and I love her. I don't want to have any regrets, but if we don't try to move out together then we wont be able to see what it would be like by ourselves. I don't want to throw away all that time with her if the problems can be fixed. Which they can be. I think we should be able to grow together. How do I go about making the wrongs right? How do I let her know I am willing to do anything for her, and let her see that it is never too late to fix things? For better or worse. Do I just give her space and keep being her friend? The last thing I want to do is push her away. help please. my missing princess.awaiting your favourable reply
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reader, PrunellaGringepith +, writes (23 March 2006):
 Wow! This sounds so similar to some of the problems my husband and I had before we got married that you could almost be writing about me!
I lived with my husband in his mother's house for a year before we got married.
Of course the plan was for us to save money for the wedding and buying a house, but even though I actually really like his mother, living in the house was INCREDIBLY stressful for me.
There were just alot of little things that were going on with his family in general that created a lot of tension fer me and he...being (a) a man, and (b) so close to his family, just couldn't understand. It got to the point where I was leaving the house two hours before work and just driving around to pass the time just so I didn't have to be around.
I would beg him 'please, please cant we just rent somwhere...anywhere?' I would have lived in a pit just to say it was OUR pit. In the end I did move out for a while, the whole thing really tortured me because I kept thinking ' if he can't understand how much this is affecting me, maybe he just doesn't care'.
Eventually we had a long talk and he begged me to come back, he showed me how much moent he was saving, and we outlined a plan on exactly how long it was going to take us to move out. We started looking at houses, and we even looked around at affordable rentals, even though we didn't move out straight away it helped a lot knowing that we had a real-time goal to work towards, not just a 'someday soon'.
My advice to you would be to stick with it if you really love her, understand that she may be going through more than you can really see on the surface, and show her exactly what you are doing to change the situation. Come up with a realistic game plan and stick with it, show her that you really are serious.
Finally a few words of hope! My husband and I have now been married for a year and a half, have our own home...and plenty of romantic candlelit baths!
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