A
female
age
41-50,
*tep momX2
writes:I have three children, and two step children. MY ex is out of the picture and we have zero contact with him. I moved in with my now husband three years ago, and since his two daughters and ex-wife make my life hell. I moved in to the house that he shared with his ex, and have always felt uncomfortable about this. He doesn't see why. I can paint and repaint and I feel like she is there. She cheated on my husband and made him leave. The now new husband was her affair and had lived there before my husband got the house in the divorce. My husband's kids come every other week, and when they are there he is less affectionate, and we pretty much don't talk. He does every thing for those kids, and if mine did half of what they do - he would be very mad. His oldest is 15 almost 16, she likes to sneak out, has sex with boys, drinks and is basically a very untrustworthy girl. She is over-weight and he feels sorry for her because he was over-weight. She is rude to my family, rude to me, and is only nice until she gets what she wants. Every thing we talk about goes back to her mom, and her mom calls and voices her opinion on it. I get very mad because some of it - most of it is not her concern. She even called with comments about our sex life. MY younger step daughter and I have formed more of a bond. She is 12 and was just 5 when they split, I think she has adapted better. She how However at my wits end gets away with murder as well. I sit in the basement when they come over because it is all about them. My two oldest leave as much as possible and my 5 year old comes down by me. They take over the house and as soon as we say no, they call there mom. I am deeply in love with my husband, but I want to get my own place. I have tried just ignoring it, painting to make the house be more like mine, I am in counselling and they refuse to go. I believe my husband is afraid to stand up to them.
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female
reader, Parisienne  +, writes (27 September 2008):
 1.) I don't think its fair that he made you share the history and ghosts of his first family's house. You should ask him honestly if you could relocate to a house with less history and bad vibes. It may be comforting for him to retain a little bit of his old life, but for you its uncomfortable.
2.) I think that his kids are just adjusting to what sounds like a horrible family situation that busted them up and has scattered them to the winds. Odds are they aren't too cheerful and polite to their mother's new paramour either. I wouldn't expect anyone with a soul to be happy about having to play house with what they percieve (note: I don't believe this but I am looking at it from the kids perspective)as homewreckers. You need to look outside yourself for a minute and realize these are still kids-- not yours, but still kids.
3.) I think for both you and the kids sake that you should find activities to occupy yourself during their visits to the house. Go out with friends, spa weekend or even just go out and read at a coffee shop. I know that you feel you shouldn't have to vacate the house when they come over, but I guaruntee that you will be happier and so will they. At least until the situation calms down a bit. You need to enjoy the time you have with your husband, but realize that time with his kids should be about his kids and not how much he ignores you when they are around.
It is also crucial that you understand that he does have to devote some time to them when they come over. It is not about him "standing up to them" but setting boundaries for them in how they address you. He is probably afraid to discipline them because of the way the family split up. He probably feels as though he has punished them enough.
This doesn't mean that law and order can't exist at home, but you do need to talk to him about setting some rules and having the girls obey them. He is still their father and they still need to have the law layed down for them until they are grown. If he doesn't do it then you don't have to stick around and deal with it. You should consider a nice bed and breakfast in the area and ask him to front the bill of a nice weekend and/or extended stay when his kids are in town. This way he is providing for you and his kids.
It is right that his focus is on them when they are there because he doesn't give them attention when they aren't around. That's time he spends on you. Fair is fair.
Its not the kids fault that both of their parents have had to make difficult life choices and they are caught in the middle.
Tough situation-- but really this is the bargain with the devil you strike when you choose to marry a man with children and an ex-wife. Its up to you how you handle it and the counseling isn't a bad idea. Some separate space for you and your children wouldn't be a bad idea either. Getting a time-share or apartment (if you can afford one) that is just yours and you can entertain your children there isn't a bad idea.
A
female
reader, jeena knows101 +, writes (28 June 2008):
I think he is like most parents and he doesnt wan this kids to be mad at him so he will do what ever it takes to make them like him. He will shower them in money if he has to. But ur not like him u wont suck up to them cuz u dont want them to control your life as i see it. U need to sit down with him and tell him that he is lettin them control him. Tell him that when the kids come over u want to have a meeting with everyone. If they try to walk away dont raise ur voice but be strict if they dont listen ground them for even just a day.
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