A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for approx 18 mos, we had a slow, deliberate start for a few reasons. We both had been burned in prior relationships (not recent though, I felt we were both pretty far moved on by the time we both got officially going, I had been divorced and even had therapy long before, for a stupid young marriage). Secondly, we work at the same place together.This girl is gorgeous, I took more bold steps and went above and beyond my normal moves to get to know her, and then to be with her. The more we got to know each other we had so many odd coincidences in common, shared interests, values, beliefs. It was unlike anything I've ever experienced. We went on several amazing vacations; both at age 28, she has been the most amazing part of my adult life.We moved in together and were fine for a few months, but then the newness, the excitement wore off, and we began arguing much more. I know we failed to draw certain boundaries, and maintain a proper amount of space, which contributed greatly to our latest position.She wanted to live separately, I initially rejected the idea, but faced with losing her as a possibility agreed. But then she became more awkward and cold shouldered and I thought this was not good going into moving out. Eventually after a week or so of the issue at hand she broke up with me and said she was falling out of love. I moved out and tried real hard at giving her space, despite a crying phone call to me, telling me how amazing I am, and how her Dad loves me, and how she did the laundry I had left behind. I asked her about getting back together and she rejected the notion.It slowly over the next couple weeks developed into the obvious vibe, "I want to just be friends" as she invited me to walk with her, or email me, or seek advice on which TV to buy, and finally to dinner and to get the rest of my things.I recognizing this vibe, told her I would love to go to dinner but for different reasons, and that I didn't think I could be friends right now as I still care deeply for her. To which she said fine with tears in her eyes. She offered to leave me a key to get the rest of my things which she said she would put in a pile for me. My problem now is I'm at the beginning of my process to moving on, and know what needs to be done....but,I have this weird feeling this isn't done. It just doesn't seem right, the reason we broke up, considering how perfect we were, and clearly how much she still cares about me at the very least as a person. I love her and really feel this could be amazing if we got past it, but it's out of my hands now I suppose.I just don't know or can't tell if she would miss me, or even thinks she might come back, if she sees this as a break, or more? I guess this boils down to, if you love it let it go, if its right it'll come back. But I'm not very good at being patient, how do I know if it will work, where she stands, what do I do in the mean time (aside from take care of me), I believe in fighting for love, but how do I do that in this situation?Thanks, sorry so long.
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (27 November 2008):
 Unfortunately it seems to me like there has been no clear reasons for the break up apart from her own problems and she hasn't exactly clearly defined those to you.
Growing out of love, well was it silly habits of yours or was it the way you were with her etc, nothing has been explained to you and I think you are currently left hanging wondering what the hell you did wrong. Was she interested in someone else and felt that getting out of this relationship with you would mean she was free to pursue someone else? Again nothing has been said to you.
Perhaps you could say to her that you feel like you want to move on properly from this relationship and in order for you to do that would she agree to go with you to a couple counsellor so that you can get some closure on this relationship and truly find out where things went wrong, I think unless you do that you will continue to beat yourself around the head and as you have been hurt in the past this is something you never envisaged when entering into this relationship as she had been through similar problems to.
See what she says, I am not sure if she has truly moved on from you or not, however what I do feel is that you need more answers, even if she does not agree to go to 1 session of couple counselling with you. 1 hour of counselling is not a lot to ask after living with someone and feeling that you had a future together, perhaps you might get some straight answers and also you will not take the pain of this relationship into a new relationship.
You won't make the same mistakes again if you have answers now.
Good luck and keep us posted OK.
BFN
Country Woman
x
A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (27 November 2008):
 you could just try dating or keep the lines of communication open. I was wondering why you didnt have space, were you in a flat, possibly with not a lot of rooms to have your privacy in. Or a garden where you could go sit in to think on your own. Or other interests. Were you living in each others pockets, personal space, no other interests of your own? By seeing each other often but not living together maybe you could iron out a few of these things by talking. Go bowling, or have some fun times, show her you are a great guy. Making a girl laugh is one of the best ways into her heart. Maybe if you do get back together it will be on a different footing. Theres obviously some kind of respect there in the fact that her dad likes you (thats always a good thing), you could maybe go for a drink with him and talk to him. And she did your laundry. she could have just chucked it in a bin bag,but she didnt. I hope you can resolve this it could turn out to be just something so obvious that youve both missed that you need to go on. hope this helps.
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