A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I really need some unbiased advice. sorry, its complicated! I have been with my bf for over 3 years now, living together for most of it. we began to clash about his mother (who has criticised my appearance a lot) and the way his 5 year old girl treated me at weekends and about a year ago, I began to talk him on sundays when i had been stressed all weekend with the both of them. I got upset every time and he usually shut me out, let me finish talking then go to bed leaving me crying. occassionally we discussed a compromise with the situation but nothing much changed. his child still spoke to me like dirt and his mother continued to dominate our weekends. in fact, he began to change towards me at weekends and be abrupt with me because he said it was me that caused all the tension. i was tense because i knew what was coming every weekend. i began to hate weekends.Anyway, 2 months ago, we had yet another sunday night row and i said i was moving out. i found a place and moved out. we were still talking and i still loved him and wanted a relationship with him but i couldn't cope with the weekend tension anymore. he said if i moved out he didn't think he wanted to see me anymore.he barely responded to my texts for the first week i was gone, then eventually, he invited me over for dinner with his little girl. i went over and at the end of the meal, his little girl said that dad has a new girlfriend and she was coming over later. i was shocked but my bf just smirked. he said he didn't know where it came from, but 5 year olds dont make that stuff up. i knew that he had tried talking to other women on the internet the very next day after i left but he said nothing came of it. i gave him the benefit of the doubt and came back later that night and stayed over. i saw him almost constantly over the next few weeks. i was so happy and he seemed to be too. we weren't apart much as we were both off work on holiday. then 2 weeks ago, he mentioned he had joined fb to look for an old friend from school. i was a bit wary as i know fb can cause problems but didn't dwell on it. a few days later, i was using his computer and saw that for the brief time i had left him that morning, he had been on fb and my space. over lunch, i asked if his friend had got back to him yet on fb and he said no. he hadn't heard anything. suspicious, i went on fb the next day and saw he had 4 friends, 2 girls, 2 guys - none of them this friend he had mentioned. 1 of the girls was obviously a party girl from her photos. i asked him who she was and he told me 3 different stories and by the time i got to his house later, any sign of messages were gone and he had changed his profile, but the friends were still there. i remained suspicious and kept an eye on his fb but nothing much changed that i could tell. i asked him to tell me once and for all everything, to be honest and he told me he could do what he liked and told me to get the rest of my stuff from his house, in so many words. i did and was so angry i barely contacted him for the next week. now he's back from a trip away and for a week he's been trying to convince me nothing happened. i believe nothing did, but i believe if he had been approached by another woman, he would have done something about it. i asked him as much and he said 'well.....' i believe he's staying with me until something better comes along. he never wants to see me naked, although we still have sex and never compliments me, in fact, he often makes comments on my bingo wings and belly. he says he's joking but it hurts me and i tell him that. i've seen him 3 times since he returned. one time i cried and asked him to be honest and we did talk but i didn't feel reassured. 2nd time, he came over unexpectedly and stayed a few hours and to be honest, i felt uncomfortable. i kept wondering when he'd go. last time was last night when he made jokes about my thighs, went on at me for smoking and made a joke about a friend of mine who died recently. i stayed over and left this morning, quite hurriedly. i used to adore this guy but now i'm avoiding spending time with him. I've forgotten so many things about him, even his favourite foods. it's like i've blocked it out. i don't feel reassured when he hugs me and don't feel any tingle when we make love but is this just because i suspect he's been looking elsewhere? i've been upset for hours now because i feel i should ditch this guy but i feel guilty doing it. i can see he's made an effort in some ways but he cant seem to stop pointing out my faults. i don't know if i'm just being defensive and deliberately trying to pick fault with what he says to me or if he really is behaving poorly towards me. i told him i loved him and went to kiss him when i left him in bed this morning and he yawned and said he was tired. i really don't think this guy loves me as he should or treats me as he should but i feel so guilty telling him its over and am worried i will feel worse if i am on my own. am i better off with him? he is not very affectionate but he is kind at times and spends all his time with me when he's not at work or with his daughter.my family and friends all give me the same advice because they can see i'm not happy but is it just me being discontent or is it him being a rubbish bf? so so confused.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (3 October 2010):
 He sounds as if he's not really bothered. He's stood by and let everyone wear you down. I think you know that you could do better. Boyfriends are supposed to love and cherish you, if you've got the right one but he sounds like he is looking elsewhere. I wonder why his wife left. His mother probably can't accept you and then theres the child. Children from other relationships are a nightmare as it is. You know what you must do. Good luck!
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