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female
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*abyblue
writes: My relationship has undergone lots of ups and downs and if I am honest, I have never been able to figure out if it has moments of control/abuse within it.I have suffered from anxiety and agoraphobia for a number of years but with determination, I have driven myself to gain confidence by going out and doing my best to make a life for myself.Last night, after being out most of the day, I was out in the evening with my partner. Out of nowhere I became greatly anxious. It took over in the end, it had gone past the point where I could bring it down. It was about half past nine. My boyfriend tried to tell me that I could control it and that it was up to me to get rid of it. However, I had to leave. He didn't come with me and when I got home I was panicking for quite a long time. He did send me a nice text message but then rolled in at 4am after clubbing. I don't know but I guess I felt a little let down. If the roles had been reversed, I would have been home a little earlier to see if he was okay.Sometimes he can be quite belittling and somehow makes me feel stupid and yet I am an intelligent woman. Around him I can behave awkwardly, feel like I am on eggshells. He will make faces at me as if I am saying something really thick.While he can be loving and affectionate, he can be quite hard, if not cruel. A friend has recently split from her partner and I mentioned how she has been used by him (which my boyfriend agrees with) and now she is deeply unhappy but my boyfriend merely said that the fact her life may now be almost destroyed is irrelevant. Their relationship is over. Period.We have split up before, always by him. We have got back together, normally by me.I believe he truly cares for me but still my life feels like it revolves around his and waiting for him. I just can't seem to break free and I have tried to before and become more independent. I do all I can to help myself; learning to drive, taking on a new career, etc, yet I still feel down, alone and somewhat frightened for my future and my relationship.Can you help?
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female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (12 March 2007):
 I couldn't have put it better than the anonymous reader myself. Listen to her advice, it's excellent!
Eve
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2007): It is evident that your BF's life prioritys are still centered on having a good time and chooses friends and clubbing over building a strong loving relationship.
I say BF is not someone who is ready to be in a long term relationship and is ignorant of how to be sensitive to you emotional and mental needs.
This type of BF will erode away any progress you have made.
You know he is abusive and you know that how he treats you isn't right and you shouldn't tolerate yet you do, why?
I agree with Anon and say drop this insensitive, abusive loser and continue with therapy.
Work on making yourself stonger and healthier so you can make wiser choices and know when to dump the losers and keep the winners.
Best Wishes.
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A
female
reader, vero05  +, writes (11 March 2007):
i belive u need professional help. go to a doctor a ,phsycologyst. And talk tour boyfriend and explain howu feel towards him, if he really lovesu hell understand. thekey is communication.
good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2007): Without running the risk of over simplifying this matter I would say this; if he belittles you, makes faces and stays out to the crack of dawn clubbing when you've suffered an attack then (to me anyway) that shows a considerable lack of consideration for you. Now, he may have thought...well she's going to feel like it anyway and if he entertains your attacks he some how sub consciously triggers a kind of co-dependent behaviour but I doubt he's thought that deeply about it to be honest. He has dumped you and you keep going back to him. Trust me when you're with the right man, you feel it. You hesitation and uncertainty is a sign that he does not make you happy. You may think he's a nice guy sometimes but the path to happiness is being with someone who loves and support you through the good times and the bad. My advice...say goodbye, work on your confidence, get your life back then worry about finding someone new. You ARE worth it! Good Luck
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