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female
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anonymous
writes: Please help. Im sorry if this question drags on a little but I really need help.I had a long distance relationship for two and a half years. My boyfriend and I had initially an amazing, intense relationship, then became quite unhealthy as I became almost obssessive, insecure, etc. He finished with me at the end of last year. I was devastated. For a couple of months I constantly hoped and prayed that we would get back together, but then heard that he was seeing someone else over there. It is now six months since we broke up, and although in some ways I feel like I have moved on, it is still the first thing i think about when i wake up, and the thing that fills my thoughts for most of the day. I can rationalise and see that it wasnt a great relationship and that Im better off out of it, but it is almost an obssession. And I still have to hear about him as his best friend over here is married to my best friend.To make things worse, his new girlfriend is on Bebo, and try as I might I cant stop myself from 'stalking' her page. I know exactly what she looks like ( stunning) who she is friends with, where she goes, etc. I try so hard not to look as I know it isnt healthy but I cant help it.He has just emailed me to tell me that he has passed all his exams and is now a lawyer, and I have been in floods of tears ever since. This was the future we had planned together. I know it sounds like I am crazy but Im not. I have a good job, lots of friends, am attractive and have been out wiht a few different men over the past few months, but nobody compares. Please help me. It sounds like an obssession and I think I need help in some way, but dont know how to go about getting it. What can I do to help myself? Does anyone have any tips for me? I just want to get on with my life and stop caring about him or what he is doing.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (29 June 2007):
 I don't think you're obsessed, but heartbroken. When we're heartbroken, we want someone to give us a magic formula that will work as a charm for us to get over the person we loved. But, what we really want is someone to bring that person back to us. Well, that is impossible. All I can recommend is, move on. Focus on different things, maybe things that are pleasant for you. When you're going through this situation, often your first thought early in the morning is for that special person. Well, someday you will wake up thinking of something else, and you won't notice until you're over him.A few more words. I think you became "obsessive" and "insecure" because long distance relationships are hard to keep. You don't have the physical "rewards" of a face-to-face relationship, such as a kiss, shaking hands, et cetera. And, they demand a hell of a lot of commitment. I'm afraid you were not getting the reassurance you needed. Don't think of you as "obsessive"; simply, you were insecure, in view of the circumstances.Keep your spirits up.
A
female
reader, Beckto  +, writes (29 June 2007):
 Saturating your life with the past relationship is like being an alcoholic and having a job as a bartender. I think for now, you need to cut off all communication with him. Kindly ask him to refrain from emailing or calling you and you'll do the same. Explain that you just need some time to distance yourself emotionally from him.Ask your best friend to do you a big favor and not talk about him or his situation. If they're a good friend, they'll understand.Don't add to the obsession by indulging in conversations about him with co-workers, or friends. Assume they're tired of hearing about it (which they could be!).Make yourself busy too. Realize how small your problem really is compared to the starving, the homeless, the bed-ridden. Do something good for the world. Volunteer. Do something good for yourself. Yoga. Just start making yourself so busy you don't have time to ruminate.Try giving it some time with little outside input about the former beau. If things still don't calm down with you, then you will need a professional.Good luck.
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