A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need help learning to love and give again...When I was younger (18) I was involved in a relationship with someone much older. It took 3 years to figure out that he was someone with big issues and my continous pouring of love into the relationship was like filling a bucket with a hole. I tried to him my everything because I thought he was just a great guy (he convinced me he was) who people misunderstood. Looking back, he simply had his hooks in me. I spent so much time defending a man who my family and friends hated--the same man who eventually had no shame calling me names (which hurt so more than the few times he hit me), threatening me, never paid back thousands of dollars he owed me (from when helped him rough times even as a student), manipulating me, pursuing other women even after we were engaged, etc. etc. (hope you get the picture)I was so innocent at 18, and so trusting.. I didn't see who he was to me until I was out of the relationship... he fooled me so well and it was my first serious relationship. It's been several years since I finally had the courage to leave him (and suffer through months while he stalked me. I was too afraid of a restraining order because I thought that would push him over the edge and he threatened to kill himself).Even though it's been years, I'm still haunted by this relationship. At the time, I thought that if I loved him enough, it would pay off. I poured my heart and empathy into the relationship and all this man did was hurt me.Now in my current relationship of 1.5 years I feel I don't give enough. I'm closed off. I'm always demanding things. I'm feel like such a horrible person. I can't find it in me to give like I used to. I can't find it in me to express love like I used to, though I feel I love him so much. I'm afraid of giving like I once did. My current boyfriend is the most loving man and my family is finally happy for me, but it's so hard for me to treat him right. How do I put my past behind me?
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (27 April 2008):
 Irish said it all. Just don't let the past ruin your present.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): Your ex bf abused you, his actions were evil, you got scarred deeply from that experience so now I have to ask...why are you still allowing him to control your present life and happiness? You now know he was a very shallow, broken person who treated you like scum. He intentionally hurt you, for self-gain. Be very happy, you got away from that...some women never never do. Now you have to believe that you were always worth more than what you got from him. The only way is to put this horrid past behind you. Learn to value yourself and give yourself a chance to to be happy in this current healthy relationship. So instead of being weakened by this awful past relationship, be strong and know you now, have a good, loving man that you can love in a wonderfully, healthy way. Don't make this good current guy... pay the price for what that past jerk did to you. Your current bf deserves all the love and caring you can give him. So be courageous, work this through with maturity and rationale and move forward into a happy future. Try to be strong and let the past go. And if it gets too hard...think about some counselling. Sometimes when women get abused badly, and they get away from it---they go through an experience similar to "post traumatic stress disorder'...I know-my own Mother went through for years after her abusive 2nd husband beat her. It was awful for her. After 10 years, and some intensive counseling...she got through it and found happiness once again. Be strong. My heart is with you and best wishes to you and your wonderful, current boyfriend. Good luck and take care
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