A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So, despite vowing to drop my obnoxious way of becoming attached to girls based on the slightest sign of interest, I'm back in the same murky waters again and seeking advice yet again.I'm 22 years old, and there's little point in lying: I had practically zero social life from the age of 17 til 21. Living a good bit off-campus as an undergrad in a town where I no longer had friends (which I'm not bothered by in that sense, I don't have much in common with or enjoy the company of my high school crowd anymore) was a stupid decision, but there we go. Now that I actually have a circle of friends (two in fact, with the socially active side to the place I work) I am also encountering girls more and more often. And becoming attracted to specific girls for proper reasons like we had good rapport and flirted a bit. Anyway, I'm still a virgin. As four years of little social life should make obvious, I have looked at copious amounts of porn by this point though, and I'm at the stage of boredom and saturation with all of that. I'm sick of it. The most I've done sexually (and I don't really count it as sexually cos it's not sex) is making out with a girl in a club months ago because she came onto me. So, my main dillemna (outside of failing at being concise constantly!). I really got on with a girl who is part of my social circle at a recent party, first time we'd really spoken properly, and she did give off a vibe of being interested. In fact, a photo of us together had some friends saying "Dude, she's obviously into you". Sure, take it with a pinch of salt. And I did. But after another party that went less well, and a potential meeting (not a date, just a gig we both wanted to see but nobody else did that I brought up going to if she was the night before after she'd asked on Facebook if anyone wanted to go -- I'll stress that she wasn't sure she was gonna go herself cos she had a lot of work on and had been out a lot that week so was somewhat tired and in the mood for a night in) I'm feeling a bit dejected. There does still seem to be something there, but I've watched such things fall through the cracks again and again, and my motivation to make a move has lowered since she didn't get in touch about said gig. I've got borderline personality disorder which means I over-react emotionally to perceived rejection, so after being in a bad mood yesterday cos she didn't e-mail me one way or the other, I almost wonder if I'm best out of a relationship anyway and just pursuing sex and companionship through one off encounters like the girl in the club. Also, dating a girl in my social group, or even asking her out, could be awkward. Also, assuming I'm pretty poor in bed (I was apparently not an obvious virgin at all when I made out with the girl in the club in that a friend I was with commented on how passionate it had seemed, and I had felt pretty confident and such like during that entire experience, not shy and timid and the other bad things about me at all) is losing my virginity to someone who is close friends with your other friends who are girls wise in terms of gossip?So, should I just drop the whole thing now, at least until something new develops? Should I just keep being a bit flirty and such like with her when I do see her and hope for the best? Or should I point blank drop it. Any advice?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (7 February 2012):
 Also consider any opportunity to get invovled in a community project or a volunteer program that advantages the community. For it is there that you will meet good kind people like you. And slowly prove your reliability to others, build up trust and respect. And before you know it you may find that youn are adding to your pool of friends.
Best wishes to you through this processs.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (7 February 2012):
Two people you can count on as friends is a good start.
However do you have access to a good wise person who you can trust who would willingly help you with role plays?
Because it seems that you lack confidence due to (perhaps?, I am guessing?) some social skills not as well developed as they could be?
Just knowing some game rules may help.
And knowing some expected reactions in certain situations may also help the conversation flow better.
Maybe even practice by the person assisting you to act as they might if rejecting you. Then you learn to take a deep breath and count to ten slowly. And learn some relaxation techniques so that you do not react in a way that could be upsetting, for you and for bystanders.
Even people without borderline personality issues get upset at being rejected. Or fail to demonstrate empathy. Or fail to listen carefully to the person talking.
Some of these skills are learned responses. And the more you practice in private the more likely you will find relationships will flow more naturally in the future.
One of the best way to improve confidence are AFFIRMATIONS. I know during a very tough time once in my life I resorted to saying, 'good night (your name) you are a lovely person' and 'good morning' with the same message.
And over and over again I reminded myself of this each day in the morning and in the evening.
And that is not the only affirmation. There are many more you can use to remind yourself of your good qualities.
Once you believe in yourself in a more positive light and value you yourself then you will see that others will appreciate and value you more too.
From being liked and respected you will then also start to attract the interest and attention of a person interested in you in more ways than just a friend.
Don't rush to find a partner. Instead regard yourself as a work in progress. And give you the solid support that you do deserve.
And ask yourself each time, before you rush in, "Is this good for me?"
And do not do nore get involved in any situation that does not feel right for you. ANY partner is not preferable to A SPECIAL PARTNER. Patience and some role playing as you practice responses and practice conversation starters with others will help you in the future.
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