A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I really thought I was immune to being constantly hit on by guys over the years. The disgust I felt at the thought that they didnt care to respect I was in a long term marriage helped greatly to combat their attempts. I recently joined a new company and 3 months ago met yet another guy who told me he was attracted to me but I as usual laughed it off as a joke which annoyed him greatly. I now strangely and unexpectedly find myself on unfamiliar ground as I'm curiously drawn to this person just as he is drawn to me.Job-wise we both occupy senior management positions in different parts of the organisation but that's neither here nor there. He is a key stakeholder in my business life and I am greatly disturbed by the personal effect this person has on me and for goodness sakes, its not as though I'm starved for sex within my marriage. If anything after 20 years of marriage, marital sex has gone from minimal to at least 3 times EVERY night which would be the envy of most people in similar marital circumstances. I have tried desperately to treat him as I do my close female friends in the hope that this lustful unwanted urge will dilute itself but how unrealistic is that? I confess I truly dont know how to get rid of my embarrassing response towards this man. There's a dictinct chemical reaction each time we're close to each other which makes my hair literally stand on ends. We have spoken about it as he feels the same and I have vented my anger at my unwanted reaction and how it terrifies me. I have stated clearly I'm not some sex-starved bored female on the prowl and all but given him a blow-by-blow account of my sex life with my husband. Needless to say, the viral attraction still remains.We have no trouble keeping away from each other as we work in different segments of the business and restrict our conversations to business. But gosh judging from the stilted conversations, that attraction is ever-present and still unaccounted for. Him and I have not strayed outside of our marriages before.Being the professional person I am I have asked to meet with him in a PUBLIC place and get closure on this THING so I can have peace of mind but he has not afforded me that opportunity at all. This THING is left hanging and comes back with a vengence the unavoidable times I see him. Was his birthday last week and I unfortunately happened to be in the same office when everyone was hugging him. I couldnt escape the tradition and he later e-mailed me saying it was awesome and gave him butterflies. My response was mean and nasty which stopped him initiating any communication. The only way I can explain this anomally in my life is that it really doesnt matter how faithful or straightlaced one can be... somewhere somehow like it or not, we're bound to meet that certain someone who presses our buttons in wicked but alarming ways. I so need closure to effectively address this and put it behind me but how can I force him to comply with my request when he clearly doesn't want to?Each time I think about this I get so angry and resentful. I attach great value to myself as a person and cannot bear to see myself governed by basic animalistic instincts. It's beneath me outside of it but completely acceptable within the safety of my marriage.
View related questions:
sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, 48years  +, writes (18 December 2008):
 The best thing you can do is to use your imagination in the other man's presence: imagine him with food in his teeth, imagine him with toilet paper stuck to his shoe, picture him with other women...etc.
You can force him to comply by remaining angry and unresponsive. Shut that man down asap! If he still remains too attentive, you may have to relocate.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi...my statements were mean't positively to BUGS with the last part a reference to myself needing to establish the proverbial backbone. My writing style, syntax and lingual usage might pose as barriers to interpretation.On the positive side, your responses are indicative that some people dont take too kindly to what they perceive to be critism of their input. Thats ok, its a downside I'm willing to accomodate as what I'm really looking for is sharing of coping strategies from people with similar mindsets. The premise is that I'm not unique so there are others out there just like me very accustomed to straight and narrow black and white mindsets unable to deal effectively with grey areas. Be well and have a great 2009
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): Good grief! I am not above all women.I just accepted that I get tempted too.The average Indian Male is very possessive of his wife.I would have been killed for saying,"Ooh!Denzel Washington is so sexy".
I have got used to sharing things with him.We are a very good looking couple.Him very fair and me dark.When we go out we notice all the people around giving us attention.We have told each other ,"I cannot promise you that I will not get tempted.I can promise you that I will kill myself before I cheat on you".
Does that make us weird?Ah..Let us be weird.Wilbur Smith says its fun being a little crazy.
You need to accept that no one is perfect.We need to live with ourselves right.Temptations are very very few.In my case one in five years.
I feel bad for your guilt.I applaud you for trying so hard to be perfect.I feel proud that you didn't give in.
A woman of substance is not someone who never gets tempted.A woman of substance is someone who resists the temptation.
You are a woman of substance.Please stop feeling guilty.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEYESWIDEOPEN....I love my husband immensely, all the more reason why I'm feeling this inner turmoil. BUGS..you are indeed above all women....discussing anything & everything with your husband laying it all bare so-to-speak rite down to the nuts & bolts. Wonder how much of that trait is attributable to your wonderful culture.
This is MY inner demon to conquer & acknowledging it is the 1st step to clearing my head. I'm sure my husband who's a well respected & very successful businessman has more than his fair share of female fans. Those are his demons to conquer as a person to be able to establish the type of human being he wants to be the same way I'm striving to be a Woman of Substance.
...............................
A
female
reader, 48years +, writes (16 December 2008):
If you need further reassurance, try a book called "Lies Women Believe". It's religious in nature but if you aren't comfortable with that, there's always "What Smart Women Know."
There is little sympathy for those of us who are tempted...everyone pretends they're above that ...and so you are quite brave to admit it.
You are not alone. Good luck!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): There is bound to be some one out there who pushes your buttons physically or any other way.
We are all human.We all have met such a person.
Temptation is not wrong.To act on the temptation is a sin.you should be proud that you resisted it.
Don't you talk to your husband about the temptations or any guy who hits on you?It reduces the temptations to ashes.The guy starts looking funny after that.:-).
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (16 December 2008):
 How is it that not once do you mention whether you love your husband, you mention having sex but you didn't say you loved him. Do you?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanx alot you guyz, your supportive non-judgemental feedback is sincerely appreciated. I note your key words: weakness, temptation, resistance, choices & will henceforth run the other way like the hounds of hell are hot on my heels. I mean that. May sound cowardly but at least I'd feel a lot safer than I do now.
Better yet, for those occassional & unavoidable times I happen to be in his company I am most certaintly going to try visualising the symbolic apple & snake scenario as alluded to in 48 years response. I have often heard of the benefits of visualisation techniques but never really tried it.
Thanx again......
...............................
A
female
reader, 48years +, writes (16 December 2008):
Hey, you may try concentrating on how much everyone envies your marriage! You're strength is that you are proud of your 20 year marriage-and you should be! It may also be your 1 weakness: Marriages, GOOD marriages, are fragile living things. They can change rapidly and unexpectedly. You have reached a point where you are comfortable within your marriage-comfortable enough to even consider what sex may be like elsewhere. But, it seldom measures up to the fantasy.
Your feelings of attraction for the other man will fade over time-do not talk to him...he will sap your love for your husband. Remain aloof-I like the line, "this is inappropriate." When you see him, think about the beautiful creature in a tree, speaking to you in his soft voice, telling you how sexy and smart you are...telling you to bite the apple-it won't hurt, he says.
Do you get it? There's a reason women were targetted-it's because we are prideful. Sometimes we just need to turn a deaf ear to temptation.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (16 December 2008):
 I beg to differ, dear poster: the only option is to take the bull by the horns.
Since you understand this attraction you feel is bad for you, act on that basis. I'm afraid that the meeting you suggested was not for closure, but for the absolute opposite. That would be the first time you would meet ON PURPOSE, to speak about the attraction you both feel. So far, you just keep it in the air; after that "closure meeting", it would be explicit.
Just go on as usual. Treat him, and see him, as you would see any other man from your job. That is the difficult thing to do, and that is what you have to do. It's not to avoid temptation, but to resist it.
Also, I need to say that we all have animalistic tendencies, and I'm happy God made us like that. He must be animalistic, too, since He made us to His own image and likeness or whatever way that is said in English. He looks like me and is like me, says the Bible. Animalistic is fun! Many animals are smarter than humans! You're supposed to have basic instincts! Only you're also supposed to manage them intelligently. That's the trick to it.
Around the world, every day, married people see women or men who catch their eyes. And they go on. Do the same and be happy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): absolutely!!!!!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah u right, getting rid of the hots for this person being the key issue - its unrealistic to expect that it can be treated as a simplistic everyday issue were closure is easily obtainable. The only option is total avoidance.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2008): You're attracted to this guy, plain and simple! Why are you so mad at him that you have feelings? Why would you agree to meet him anywhere, even if it is a public place?
Stay away from him if you want him to leave you alone!
You say you don't have to see eachother professionally, so avoid him completely. Be true to your marriage and your husband. Don't let one thing lead to another. You are humans, not animals, and you make decisions whether to act on something or not! So, make the right decision, and stick to it! You are not going to have closure if you have the hots for one another!
...............................
|
