A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I would appreciate some advice... I was seeing a guy for 3 months, we are both 27. I felt our relationship was too casual and told him i had to end it as i was getting attached. He asked me to stay with him and he would try to change. He did change for a few weeks, stayed over my place almost every night etc. Then he got invited to a wedding but said he couldnt invite me because the bride and groom didnt know about me (ouch!) I got really upset and then he freaked out and said he tried to live up to my expectations but he just isnt ready for a proper relationship yet. Obviously i was hurt, tried to call and change his mind for a 2 day period but now i've gone no contact. Anyway, i am a foreigner in his country, other things have gone wrong.. lost job, problems with flat mate etc. So i have decided to go home for 3 months, get my strength back and come back to this country. He said that we cannot see each other soon because it makes it impossible... what does that mean? Also, i have asked him to say bye before i fly out and he said "its not a good idea". Why?? And now i have noticed that if he is online on facebook chat when i log in he quickly logs off. Why doesnt he just delete me from his facebook altogether?? I would really appreciate some opinions, thanks x
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female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (18 March 2011):
 I'm truly sorry to hear you have been so hurt by this turn of events.
I have to say that to date someone for three months and then ask for more commitment is rather rushing things.
After three months you both are STILL in the beginning stages of getting to know one another, and finding out whether there's potential for real compatibility for the long-term. He may not - you may not - be in a position to really make that judgment that early on.
Having said that, I know it CAN happen that you meet someone and both of you realize right off the bat that you're soul-mates. That's rather more of a rarity, though, and even when it does seem that way, it's still prudent to continue to go slow. If it turns out you ARE compatible, then taking time to find out, will confirm it; if you are not, then better to discover that (much as you may both wish it were otherwise) sooner rather than later.
Evidently, he was willing to give it a try, but realized he just isn't ready to take a further step with you. Besides which, you've had other complications: lost job, problem with your flat-mate and so on. While this is tough for you to deal with, for him, this development, added to his initial doubts, has just proved to be too much. "Put the lid on" your friendship so to speak.
I'm sorry. It's very hard, and you would like him to at least be there to give you emotional support at this time, but unfortunately, that's just not the way it is. Only thing you can do is to accept it, and proceed with your plan to go back home and get yourself together.
One more thing: while this relationship has ended, look at it this way: it does free you up to look for better things, job-wise, and to maybe meet someone else in time who will want to be committed to you, and who you'll be equally committed to......
A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (18 March 2011):
 Seems he is listening to his peer group and his community which means he is struggling with being his own person.You want to go there? If you do end up freeing this man or helping free him of his attachments he'll only resent you for it. It was your pressure not his choice. Surrender might be a good option as you mention, leave, get your head straight, that sounds healing.As for as glazed eyes, could have been allergies, don't get deep about a moment of emotional pollen. Also read the fable about The Scorpion and the Frog, says it all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): This is the original poster!!
I forgot to mention that the night i went to call it off he said he was getting attached and his eyes glazed over a little...
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