A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'd been with my boyfriend for four months when I was raped on my college campus. The thing is I'd left for school only a few weeks earlier in Florida--very far away from him in Cali. For the rest of the semester he was like my rock, and things were great, but naturally I was experiencing things physically, mentally, emotionally that I had not been accustomed to before: a basically had to start from scratch on my value/belief system since I had no sexual experience prior to this event.However, a few months later I had managed to make a very good friend through a class I was taking. My mental state was up and down, I was attending lots of counsilling, and things were persistantly getting worse I felt. One night I showed up at my friend's apartment, and we ended up talking and I broke into tears and told him I needed him right now...I ended up staying the night, and though we didn't mean to he used his hand to please me down there.I didn't know what to think. I called my boyfriend every day, and when I heard his voice the next day it killed me. I knew, however, then I had not been myself, and I didn't know if this could be something that was a part of recovery or if I had indeed cheated or if because I was not me at that point if I was not to blame...I was tempted to tell him, but I didn't because if I had lost him then I know I would have killed myself.It has been six months since that occured. My guy and I have been together for a year now, very much in love and I feel like I'm nearly recovered. The question is, now that I've transferred back from Florida, and have no intension of seeing my guy friend again...do I tell him? What would I say? My guy friend and I discussed it afterwards and agreed that it was not something we wanted, just a reflex of the moment. We were still great friends, but I wonder if he was really my friend, knowing that I had a boyfriend and what happened to me.It should be known that I want to marry my boyfriend. Ever since I met him I've felt this way...so knowing that do I have to tell him about this? What could possibly happen? I couldn't bare to lose him, but sometimes it hurts me to think about the past; I know I wasn't myself, but would he know that? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (12 April 2007):
 Bravo. The best to the both of you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI told him. As far as a reaction goes there were a few sniffles; I definantly didn't hold back tears about it...but he was very understanding. He told me he knows I'm not now who I was then, and that I was experiencing the worst circumstances of my life so he knows it wasn't something I wanted in my heart, per say.
He also told me that I need to stop living in the past so that I can enjoy the present and stop beating myself up over things that can't change.
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A
male
reader, ChiRaven +, writes (4 April 2007):
Your boyfriend ought to understand the emotional fragility that you went through (and, indeed are still going through) because of this one life-changing event. It's good that you sought professional help right away, by the way.
First, make him realize that you are absolutely committed to him and to your relationship with him. Next, give him some feeling for the terrible emotional turmoil that you felt during the aftermath of this event, and that even though you were getting constant support from a lot of directions (especially from him) you were feeling things that you didn't know quite how to deal with. Then just tell him that in that time of great confusion you did seek some physical closeness (emphasize that this did NOT include having sexual intercourse) with a man who was a close friend (and nothing more) who was there and could offer you some physical support. Make him realize that this was just an after-effect of the terrible thing that happened to you. If the man has any sensitivity at all, he should be able to understand how something like this could happen. Make him see it.
My guess is that he has stuck by you through this so far, and learning how you coped with it in another way is not going to faze him, especially since it did not involve actually "doing it all" with this other guy and that this guy is not at all a rival. As you said, if you plan to marry him, you can't go through life carrying this as a secret. You have to let him know or it will just eat at you. But if he's the great guy you think he is, he should take this in stride.
And good luck.
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