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female
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anonymous
writes:Several months ago my husband invited me to attend an out of town meeting with him, in another city for a week. He has invited me lots of times because it's like a mini-vacation. I enjoy the hotel gym, the pool, and go shopping while he's in meetings all day. Then at night we socialize with the people from the meeting; I have the chance to meet new faces; we usually go out to dinner and have drinks and it's fun for both of us. So I put in for the time off, but this past week end he started hedging about me coming along. I thought it was odd so I sneaked a peek in his briefcase and found the itenerary for the meeting, along with an email which showed the people who would be attending. There was a woman on the list that used to be my husband's old f**k buddy before we met. For years they'd hook up everytime they'd both attend an out of town meeting together (they work for the same company but in different cities). I met her after we'd been together for a year. He introduced me as his "driver". Obviously trying to disguise the fact that I was his girlfriend. Now that I know she's attending this week long session, I'm not about to let him talk me out of going. Maybe he wouldn't have sex with her, but I know they'd probably go out for drinks after the meeting, maybe dinner and that makes me uncomfortable knowing their past. The meeting is a week away, and he's throwing up all these road blocks about me going with him so I am very suspicious. I haven't told him that I know she's going but I'm not about to back out of going either, because if I don't go it'll be a week of hell for me, worrying the whole time. Yes I know I should trust him but I don't. The last time she was at a meeting he was suppose to meet me for lunch in Old Towne since the meeting was over at noon on that Friday. I waited 3 hours and he never showed up. Never called. I tried calling him and his phone was off. I was going crazy trying to figure out what had happened. Especially since he made such a big deal about checking out of the hotel by noon. When he finally showed up he tried to tell me the meeting ran late and no one else was calling their spouses, so he didn't want to be the only one. Total bullshit because he's always been good about keeping in the loop and letting me know when his plans have changed and why. It was like he just disappeared for 3 hours that day. I immediately suspected she was at the meeting and later when I dug through some of his papers I found her name on the roster. I realized he totally blew me off so he could go have lunch with her and I realized he can't be trusted around certain people. So now he's trying to do the back stroke about this meeting and I'm wondering what other women would do?.....I should say that in most situations I do trust him. Most of the time we have a great relationship but I just think when there's someone like this from his past it might be too tempting. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 April 2012):
 "Even though I suspect we'll not have dinner with the class a single time because he won't want me to know she's there"
Or he doesn't want her to know he is married. He doesn't want to introduce you. He is hiding you away. I would try to have myself introduced anyway, and see what he is so afraid of. Pick him up when the meeting is done, or arrive early, so you can catch him with his coworkers and introduce yourself or greet the ones you've already met before. Just to make your presence known.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the advise. I will definately be going to the meeting. When we had our discussion the other night and I told him I'd already put in for the time off and really needed a break from work, he switched the hotel we'd be staying at. We are no longer going to be in the one everyone else is staying at. His excuse? The rooms didn't look very nice. That's okay, I don't mind staying somewhere nicer. It's still close to the office where the meeting is, and I will insist on using the car every day so I can shop. That way I have control of picking him up when the class is done and I honestly don't think he'll sneak out early because some of his supervisors will be attending. And if there's one thing I know about my spouse, he's too lazy to pursue an affair on his own. If something's gonna happen it would have to happen by chance; like a "platonic" lunch or dinner and then too many drinks and then he might make a bad decision and blame it on the booze. Yes he married me, but she was also married the entire time they were fooling around. I do think he's still attracted to her. So it's nice that some of you don't mind your men having lunch and dinner with other females, but I think it's a risky game when either party is attracted to the other one, and there's sexual history. I will not confront him about her because I have no proof. And it will just start a huge fight and create distance between us on this trip. No, no I want things to appear quite cozy and nice between us. Even though I suspect we'll not have dinner with the class a single time because he won't want me to know she's there. I will go and make the best of the trip. And on Friday when the class is out, I will be there to pick him up promptly at 12:00 so he can't disappear for 3 hours. I learned from the last experience. And yes it's sad that I have to do this, but some men are just weak. Most of the time things are fine. He comes home to me every night and there aren't any problems like this. I just know when we enter a new playing field I have to have my guard up and stay one step ahead of him. Thanks for your advise. I'll let you know how it goes.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2012): well let me take a different angle on this....maybe it's possible that he has no intention of doing anything romantic or physical with her and they are just platonic friends (after all he did not marry her, he married you) and he just wants to meet with her to catch up as a platonic friend. But he knows how you already feel about her and so he either thinks (or experience has shown?) that if he asks your permission to have lunch with her you will freak out or say no or insist on coming along and be a party pooper, and that's why he lied to you the last time. Maybe he lied to get what he wanted as you suspect, but what he wanted isn't what you think it was.I am married but I do have many male platonic friends. Yes I do sometimes have lunch with them. No my husband does not join us. Just as I do not join him when he wants to have lunch with his female platonic friends. They are HIS friends, not mine, I see no reason to be a third wheel in their lunch. Similarly that's why he doesn't feel a need to join me and my male friends (or my female friends, either way it's the SAME). But I understand that not all people are this comfortable with their spouse having lunch with a friend of the opposite sex especially if that person was an ex-partner. So maybe the reason he lied to you about having lunch with her is because he really wanted to have lunch with her (which in itself IS NOT WRONG) but knew you would never allow it if he did the right thing and asked your permission, or you might even give him endless grief just for asking....again I do think that he lied to you to get what he wanted, but what he wanted may not be what you think it was.I'm not saying he's justified in lying to you or that you are in the wrong for feeling uncomfortable about him and his ex-FWB. But I'm just saying that it's possible that there isn't any romantic or sexual feelings anymore and they are just platonic friends and like any other friends they did want to meet up for lunch and catch up and talk (about NON-romantic things) but unlike other platonic friends if he told you or asked you, you'd freak out or say no and then he can't see his friend and he might get in trouble just for having broached the subject.And I'm afraid that if this is the case, then accusing him of having an affair is only going to further drive him away from you into secrecy. I think you should talk with him about your suspicions but not jump to conclusions, tell him what the picture looks like to you from where you're sitting, and be willing to hear his explanation. If you don't punish someone for telling you the truth, it's more likely that they will be honest with you. Lies are terrible because not only are you in the dark about what's really going on and driving you crazy but the very fact that they are lying to you is emotionally hurtful on a whole other level. You want your husband to tell you the truth, but you have to be willing to hear what he has to say even if you don't like it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2012): I'm very sorry to hear about this. I hate to say it, but I really think your husband is planning to cheat on you and it's likely he already has been.
And no don't feel that you "should" trust him because by now he's already given you reason not to. Trust has to be earned, he has done things that have undermined it.
There's nothing wrong with having an old FWB or ex girlfriend still in the same work or social circle IF feelings have long gone. People do move on from past relationships, and you can tell because they have no interest in hanging out with each other for extended periods of time, and certainly wouldn't hesitate to introduce their spouses to each other. but his actions show the opposite. Introducing you to her as his 'driver' clearly shows that he still had feelings or intentions regarding her or was trying to keep the door open with her. And then the fact that he disappeared for 3 hours the last meeting, and now doesn't want you to go on this trip...and he ONLY does this when she is also there not for all other meetings...these are all signs that he clearly has not gotten over her and that he is pursuing an inappropriate kind of relationship with her. it is still 'pursuing' even if some specific activity hasn't happened yet but he's trying to make it happen.
you need to say something now, before this trip. tell him exactly what you told us: that given how he's trying to keep you away from the meeting which is uncharacteristic of him and you know she will be there, and what happened the last time, it's perfectly logical that the reason he doesn't want you to go is because he wants to spend inappropriate time with her, or he wants to do things that he knows you will be unhappy about. If he doesn't want you there, then it IS inappropriate even if it's just lunch. But don't get all emotional and upset, it's imperative that you be completely calm so he doesn't get the high ground of calling you irrational and neurotic and writing you off.
After having informed him of your findings and thoughts, I don't personally think it does you any good to still go on this trip if he still doesn't want you to go. I think it would be hell for you either way. You won't enjoy it if you did go, you'd be wondering if they're in their meeting texting each other secret notes like infatuated teenagers in class, or shooting furtive glances at each other across the room.....or even sitting next to each other brushing up against each other...you'll be spending the evening times with him primarily to ensure he's not spending it with her, every time he reaches for his phone you'll be getting paranoid, you'll be watching him like a hawk and reading all kinds of things into his every word and gesture, you'll be scanning the horizon for signs of her appearance, the tension will be palpable, it will TOTALLY ruin your vacation. Yes you will still be a nervous wreck if you stay home, but going with him may not be much different either. would you rather stay home and be a wreck, or go with him and have the worst vacation you've ever had?
unfortunately he has already crossed a line. If he's wants to cheat on you, he will eventually with or without your interference. Your purpose in going on this trip with him is to stop him from meeting up with her, right?? But once you make it your job to stop your husband from cheating when he otherwise would, then your new job will never end. You will always have to be running around stopping him. Why even go down that route? Is a marriage where you have to do this even worth that effort?
I think you should simply inform him now of your thoughts and feelings on this matter, even if he vehemently denies everything (as he probably will). You're not trying to make him admit to anything but simply to make it known that you know something inappropriate is up and that you are going to be thinking about the future of this marriage from now on. You are just informing him that YOU KNOW something is up and are starting to think about him differently. And then, let him go to the meeting alone if he still doesn't want you to go. You will show that you are the 'bigger' person here.
I say if he's going to cheat, LET him do it the sooner the better so you can KNOW what kind of person you're married to and make a decision on what to do with your life and marriage. If you run around stopping him from cheating, you may end up feeling you're just delaying his cheating.
I would also consider contacting this FWB of his, be cordial to her or at least neutral, and just ask her what's been going on. If you're composed and businesslike with her and not all emotional ranting and raving and spewing hate, she may be inclined to tell you the truth or at least more of the truth than you would get from your husband. Or she may tell him that you contacted her and if there isn't anything going on he will understand and be sorry he put you in this position. But if he gets upset that's further proof that he has something to hide since by then you would have already informed him of your suspicions so you are not out of line for contacting her. The goal here is NOT to stop your husband cheating because that's not your job and it's not even possible. Your goal should be to get information to get at the truth so you can make decisions about what you want to do with this marriage and your life.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): Sounds like he has or is about to cheat on you. Leaving you hanging for 3 hours like that, I would have been livid. There was no excuse for that behavior or the behavior he is demonstrating to you now.You know he is up to no good. Yes, go! Make your presence known. Attend the meetings if you can and the luncheons or get togethers. Watch him like a hawk.If he does the disappearing act or has a change of plans and doesn't inform you, then blow his cover and tell him you know "exactly" why he didn't want you to come along. I would suggest marriage counseling if you still want to go through with the marriage. You need to get to the bottom of this and get it all out on the table so that the both of you can address the issue at hand.Personally, if my man was trying to "meet up" with an old f*ck buddy or has and was deceitful...it would be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn't want to be made a fool of.
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female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (13 April 2012):
 If he can't be trusted around certain people, I'm pretty sure he can't be trusted at all.
He doesn't want you to go because he wants to be free to do as he pleases, probably with this other woman. You know this, we know this. Don't make excuses for him! You may have a great relationship, but how great is it if he introduces you as his "driver" and blows you off to spend lunch with another woman... and then lies about it?
I'm not trying to be rude, and I'm sorry if I come off that way, but I really feel for you here. You need to realise that your husband is and probably has been cheating on you. Once you realise that, I hope you see that you deserve MUCH better.
I think the time to confront him is now. Going with him to the meeting to purposely get in his way is a bad idea for 2 reasons. The first being, you're going to be absolutely paranoid and probably miserable the entire time. In a different city, away from your home and your comfort zone. The second being, what will you really be accomplishing? You're making it more difficult for him for a week. He may very well last that week, but what benefit will that be to you in the long run? If he's going to cheat, and the ring and the vows weren't enough to stop him, you being there isn't going to stop him, either. Take your stand now, and confront him with what you know and what you suspect.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 April 2012):
 I'd sit him and and tell him how it makes you feel.
The fact that he chose to take HER out for lunch instead of you is a big red flag.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 April 2012):
 Definitely go with him. Insist upon it. Something's a foot and you should most certainly make your presence known.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 April 2012):
Well, this is a tough situation. And a horrible one for you to be in.
If I were you I'd probably do the same as you: be dead set at going. And then make a stance. Make myself noticed by his other coworkers, putting myself there in their faces if you know. And in her face. For her to see me, and announce loud and clear that I am his wife. I would also make sure to plan things with my husband, and if he happens to "disappear" again then I'll have a good track of how long he's been gone for. Like last time, you know he was away for 3 hours. Keep track of times like that.
I'd start to write it down as well. I suspect he might be cheating on you, sorry. He is going behind your back and lying to you anyway, which is cheating, even if you can't say whether he's been sexual with this woman or not. It doesn't really matter if he's sexual with her or not you know.. if he's sneaking out to meet her behind your back then that's cheating. Anything he does that he can't tell you about is going behind your back, lying, and deceitful.
Keep tabs on how often this happens and when, and what was said and done. Then I vote for a final confrontation if such a disappearing-act happens again.
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female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (13 April 2012):
 Honestly, your husband doesn't sound like a very trustworthy person. There is no reason why he should keep in touch with his old fuck boddy even after marriage. And it's rather outrageous on his part to ditch you and go off for lunch with that woman. You have been exceedingly patient. Had I been in your place, a huge confrontation would have happened.
Insist upon going to the meeting, no matter what. And if he keeps making excuses, startle him by asking, "Going by the way you're trying to find reasons to not take me along, I can bet that _______( insert her name) is also going to be there. Is this going to be like last time, when you disappeared for three hours without a trace?"
Yes, there might be a confrontation and he might accuse you of not trusting him but tell him that trust has to be earned and he hasn't exactly earned your trust through his conduct lately.
I hope this works out well for you. I'm sorry for what you're going through.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): The next time he is trying to talk you out of it, I would tell him calmly and firmly, that you took the time off, that you are looking forward to the minivacation for month and that you will go with him! Full stop.
If he continues, just look him straight in the eyes and say very calmly that you always wanted to meet xy (the other woman) and that this is the right opportunity.. don't argue, just make him understand that you KNOW she is there and and he will not be able to bullshit you about 'long meetings' etc.
If he tries to give you the 'you don't trust me' crap, just say "Of course i trust you darling, that's why we both will enjoy our mini vacation very much!".
Next time he is lying to you and you know it for sure, confront him calmly and don't let him go away with it. If your gut feeling tells you he is cheating, dumb the moron, there are better men out there.
All the best to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): He invited you as usual, you have put in the time off, so now you GO :) It's your right, he is YOUR husband and you also enjoy these mini-vacations.
Plus, after what you have discovered (you clever P.I. you) ;-) even MORE reason to go! Yes, we can trust our men, but sometimes temptation is too great, especially with an ex "special" buddy going too. Interesting!!!
Just remember, he may do the same thing again! i.e. disappear for 3 hours, so find out what venue his meeting is in, and then wait there for him to go for lunch/dinner, so he has no chance of running off with her, with his cellphone closed while they catch up, without his wife who is sitting waiting!
Also, make sure he introduces you as his WIFE when and if you meet up with her... try and force the issue that you orchestrate an introduction. For example, waiting outside the venue of their meeting, when they all come out, you could be introduced to everyone, including HER.
It's not an easy situation, I feel for you and I'm glad I'm not in it. You have the power of knowledge in your hands, so use everything you can: how much you NEED the break, how much you will enjoy the extra time with him; how lonely you feel when he goes away; that you feel safer waiting for him at the hotel... all things to let him relax his guard, and THEN, you arrive at the venue of the meeting for a SURPRISE looking drop dead gorgeous!
While they have their meeting, get yourself a massage so you feel relaxed, have a mani & pedi, and all those wonderful things that leave you feeling like a million bucks, freshen up, then go and find hubby.
Good Luck!
Keep us posted on what happens. P.S. YOU ARE GOING ON THE TRIP. YOU ARE GOING ON THE TRIP. YOU ARE GOING ON THE TRIP. REPEAT AFTER ME: "I AM GOING ON THE TRIP" :)
Now don't take NO for an answer!...
Alternatively, you can do the demure, relaxed trusting wife, stay home, and let him go and have his fun. When he returns, you look YOUR best and welcome him home.
Decide which is easiest for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2012): I agree, DO NOT let him go alone. And go and when she turns up and you see her, you tell him all of this and your suspicions and see what he has to say.
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