A
female
age
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anonymous
writes:HiI am married and my husband is not so rich. He works really hard to provide for me and and our child. Money is a hardship for him.However I have 30,000 pounds in savings. I haven't mentioned it to my husband as this was before we got married. I hardly spend any of the 30,000 as i plan to save it towards a home or for our child's future.My question is should I be using this 30,000 to be helping him pay the bills etc so he feels less pressurized to provide for us, or can i keep it and do with it as i wish? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (6 September 2014):
 To amend my last post, there *is* one exception to the community property rule in terms of sums or caches of money in UK law, and that is in the instance of living trusts or inheritances. That is not subject to divorce proceedings split and protects parties from opportunists who marry and/or divorce to capitalize on impending inheritance windfalls.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2014): OP I'm not sure of what are the legal consequences for hiding money from your marriage partner where you live, but honestly I don't think you should be obliged to tell him about it or share it with him. I do think that you have a moral responsibility to give him an opportunity towards a happier, less stressed out life. Maybe tell him you got 15k from a relative and talk to him about ways in which that money could help him find a better job, maybe work less and earn a bit more, invest it somewhere in a way that would pay off for your family and future together. Obviously you realize what you're doing might not be right to him, just imagine if he had the power in his hands to help you have a better life and decided not to use it. Also, being that you're a housewife and ultimately should trust no one more than yourself, I'd hide away a part of that money for myself just in case the marriage somehow falls apart and I need it for rainy days.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 September 2014):
You don't get it, do you??
It's *not* "do I pay or does he pay his own way"...
There isn't "you pay" or "he pays" in a marriage. Your household income is combined now. It's now "We pay" or "We don't pay". There is no "you", and "I".
Did you know that if you two divorced, he would claim 50% of your funds as community property, and it would be lawful for him to do so. In fact, to withhold from the courts that you had that money would put you criminally in contempt of court, carrying fines and jail sentences.
You also said this: "the money i saved was intended for a rainy day or for the child."
Who intended, you, or both of you?? When you marry, BOTH of you get a say about the household asset, and your savings is now a household asset. This means that he gets a say on what it's "intended". Is the child not his as well?? Are you already planning on getting rid of your husband?
Seriously, you are betraying him to withhold things like this. The only way out of this is to have a talk with him now. Otherwise, just exactly when were you going to let him know about this?? Were you going to secretly put the money away in a trust for the kid? What would you say to him..."Psst, don't tell your dad, but while he was slaving away working on little income to put food in my mouth and in yours, I was hiding money away."
Don't kid yourself about doing this "for the kid". It's a selfish motive you have for not telling your husband, and it's a lack of trust and a betrayal of his, because you know everything he brings to the table. He isn't abusing you or the finances. He is doing the right thing by making his earnings for the household. You need to do the same, or you are violating your marriage vows for every day you withhold it from him.
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (5 September 2014):
 Why is it solely his responsibility to pay for you and the family?
Is it right that he should have to pay for your ticket as well?
I feel that you are expecting everything to be paid for and handed to you on a plate!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2014): whether the 'nest egg' is better kept for a rainy day or needed now, I don't understand if/ why you haven't told you husband about the 30,000 and discussed this with him to make a joint decision together?Whay are you able to accept him currently paying for you to live if you cannot even have a frank discussion with him about what is best for the family financially?If your marriage is sincere then why does it even matter which pot the money comes out of? -If you contribute some now (instead of him paying for everything) then there will be the same money leftover to help your child in the future- it just won't all be in 'your' account- but in his too.You seem to be operating on the basis of 'what is his is mine to share and what is mine is mine and mine only'
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 September 2014):
 If I found out my spouse had a large sum of money and kept it a secret from me I would feel very betrayed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2014): I am the original poster, he does not have any addiction problems.We are planning a family holiday soon, is it right that i should pay for him? or should he pay for his own ticket?the money i saved was intended for a rainy day or for the child.I cant work right now as i take care of the small child full time.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 September 2014):
Let me start by answering your question with a question:
How would you feel if you found out that your husband was hiding half of his income from you, giving you the impression that he isn't so rich, yet he has hidden investments that he withholds knowledge from you??
You would be really upset that he didn't trust you.
That's what is really at the heart of this, isn't it?? You don't trust that he would be able to manage money the way you do, and that if you let him know of it, he'll want to blow it on either menial bills, OR he'll have a say over its purpose that clashes with yours, right? You didn't mention whether or not he was good at handling money, so I don't know if you don't trust him not to blow it irresponsibly.
He is sharing all of his wealth with you by working to provide for you. In a marriage, there is no "yours and mine". Legally and morally, the marriage covenant makes things "ours", meaning his lifetime earning potential, say his lifetime earnings in the next 20 years (given your age and his) is 500,000 pounds. That's a lot more he's giving you than the 30,000 you're withholding from him. If he were to withhold 250,000 from you, cutting you out of the decision-making for that money, because he had that job and that income prior to marrying you.
UNLESS he has a drug/gambling habit that destroys the family income, and you didn't mention one, you need to disclose this money to him as surely as he is to disclose his assets to you. There is such a thing as financial fidelity, and given that money is the number 2 reason for divorce, you are threatening your marriage by not disclosing it. You and he are a team now. When you marry, you bring everything to the table and you both plan a future. If you loved him enough to marry him, you should trust him enough to listen to what you have to say about long-term future for both of your son. Your husband is providing for the same thing by working. He doesn't sit on his money to cut you out of that long-term planning, so why is your thinking on your 30,000 to cut HIM out of long-term future planning??
In short, why do you not trust your husband?? Don't say you do, or you would have let him know about this from the start. So why do you not trust him to do what is right?
Also, I put in the issue regarding drinking/gambling/prostitution/shopaholic/uncontrollable spending in there because I think there IS in a marriage a moral obligation for protecting money from someone in a marriage who has addictions that weaken the household. The reasoning is that if the addict spouse was in his or her right mind, they would WANT the other spouse to protect them and their children from themselves.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2014): I am the original poster, yes i run the home full time but sometimes he helps me with looking after the child.I feel bad he works hard but unsure what to do?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 September 2014):
I am old school like Olderthandiet and play the what's mine is yours what's yours is mine game too.
when we got engaged my hubby paid off some bills and paid to rehab the home I owned.
I put him on the deed the house.
none of this yours or mine stuff
if you run the home full time then you are contributing to the marriage. who would pick up all that slack if you went to work?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2014): I am the original poster. Currently I do not work as I've moved countries to be with my husband and we also have a small baby to look after.I dont expect to be a kept woman, but sometimes if i offer to buy the food shopping he says no. I dont pay any bills at the moment.I do plan to work in the future.How should I budget so I am not using him or abusing him??
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2014): You saved that money for good reasons. You must have a nest egg and cushion for the future. Most people have no savings these days, and nothing put aside so they can make a major purchase like a home, or to educate their children. Nothing set aside for dire emergencies.
You don't mention how old your child is. If the child is a in his/her teens, some of that money will be needed soon. You don't mention if you are working and contributing to the household expenses? If you aren't, that's how you could help. Get a job. If the child is old enough to attend school, there is no excuse for you not to have a job. Even if only part-time. In today's economy, families can hardly survive on one income.
If you are working and helping, leave the money where it is for the purpose you put it there. It isn't fair if you're not working and placing the full burden of supporting you and a child all on your husband. To say money is a hardship for him doesn't seem to make any sense. Money is a hardship for your family.
The only remedy is for the both of you to be working; and you may have to use some of the money to pay the most pressing of your debts or obligations. Do not exhaust all of it. I know most will tell you to use it. I say, not unless you have no choice. Or you will never be able to purchase a home for your family. Assuming you're both in your 40's, accumulating savings for the future most likely wouldn't have happened otherwise.
I'm going to be honest. Holding back the fact you had this money all this time when he has worked so hard to provide for his family, may upset him. There may be times he has lost sleep and stressed-out thinking he wasn't going to make it. As a married-couple, what's his is yours; and what's yours is his. If you've been out of the workforce for a long-time, start with something simple. You could exhaust that money in no time, you'll still need a job.
The most important question here is, are you working? If not, why?
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (5 September 2014):
Do you contribute anything towards the household bills at present?
If you don't are you expecting to be a kept woman, so he funds every penny of your lifestyle together as a married couple? If you do, then it is a little selfish to be sitting on such a large pot of money. You seem happy for him to work himself to the bone and give you his last bean, yet you wont even consider helping out?
If the situations were reversed, and it was you running yourself into the ground to pay, whilst your husband kept his £30k to himself, how would you feel? Would you feel angry? Hurt? Deceived? Perhaps, you might even feel used?
Personally, marriage for me is a partnership, which both parties put into equally. Having savings is a wonderful luxury, which the majority of people cannot afford in the current financial climate. If you are really struggling now, would it not be sensible to put some of that savings towards your current situation?
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 September 2014):
 In my world what is mine is hers too, ergo, what is hers is mine.marrage is (to me anyway) two souls becoming one. However if it's 'yours' you can make a bonfire with it if that helps keep you warm. goodness sakes what has become of this world?
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female
reader, Lizziedizzy +, writes (5 September 2014):
The decision is yours.I would try and gain employment, part-time to help out financially.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (5 September 2014):
 That decision is really up to you. Whatever you decide to do with it, there is no right or wrong, because it's your money. If I were in your position I would use it for the betterment of the family unit. Your idea of putting it towards a home or towards your child's future education is a wonderful one. If money is a hardship right now, why not seek out part-time employment to help out with the bills?
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