A
female
age
51-59,
*irstlady
writes:My husband has another child as a result of an affair, she (the mother) wants him to walk away from his son, he does not want to do that. I personally don't know how anyone could ever expect that of another human being (especially one that they supposedly love). I am willing to accept his new son into our family, but now comes the hard part of telling our daughter that he exsists. Right now my husband is going over to the house to visit his son and get in as many hours as he can so that if it goes to court it shows he made an effort. I am struggling because I don't like him going to her house, it's hard enough for me to know that I am never going to have another child of my own (especially now that he has this one, that will definately be enough for him). Let alone know that he goes over there where they share their baby. I realize that the baby can't leave home yet so bringing him here is not an option. Jealousy is eating me up inside...big time. Is there anyone out there who is or has been in my position who would be willing to offer me advice on handling my emotions? I am majorly suffering from depression right now, I can't think straight, I keep crying. I am desperate, can anyone help me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2009): I wrote a poem explaining how i feel It's written as me being my husband.
I hurt my wife
But its okay
Cuz she’ll love me anyway
Her family’ll say “I told you so”
And that is how I know… that she will stay
Today, I’ll leave her and our baby
I’ll go to work, or then I’ll maybe
Disappear and have some fun
With my other girl and our newborn son
Does it matter where my time is spent?
I don’t think it’s a predicament
To have wife, and woman both are mothers
Cuz when I’m sick of one, I have the other
And neither one will let me go
I feel just like a king, you know
To turn two women to enemies
That’s just the power I have in me
Don’t care which girl that I’m affecting
I think I’ll go on, just collecting
Cries and tears and broken hearts
And neither one I will depart
Why, to prove that I’m a boy?
I’ll be a punk or a kid if I choose my toys
I’ll rather try to have them both
Let them fight to see who wants me most
Oh yes sometimes, it is confusing
But it all boils down to just plain amusing
To see them try to beat the other
For the ultimate title of my child-mother
How great I have them in a bond
One with a ring, one with a son
And both love me more than anything
Oh yes, I really am a king
(by the way, yes i was pissed, and I wrote it while he was at her house)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): Hi,
My husband has two children from an affair and I have chosen to accept the children because they did not ask to be here and the circumstance is not their fault. My son was about 12 when we told him of the children. You being the mother, can shape your children's feelings. If you show strength when you tell your daughter, then she will easily forgive her father; however, if you show the hurt and pain and depression while you are telling her, then she may never forgive her father. Simply because he has hurt you.
I understand your feelings. My husband goes to see his children too and the only way he can see them is if me nor my children are present; otherwise, the OW will not let him see the children. So I've asked myself over and over, "how do I accept these children when I am not given a fair chance to accept them?" the OW doesn't want "her" children near me or my children.
It was tearing my husband apart because i told him that he couldn't see the children if me or my children weren't present and the OW demanded just the opposite. He was depressed and miserable because neither one of us were bending. So I gave in. I now allow him to see the children at his will; however, every visit would kill me and I too would often find myself depressed. But I love my husband an awful lot and enjoy seeing him happy.
You know I've been to therapy and have read a million forums and a lot of them says how the husband left the wife for the mistress or abandoned the entire family for the mistress. Well, my husband is still here. My children wake up every morning with their father, he loves me more now than ever before and I really couldn't ask for any thing else. So I weigh the bad and then I weigh the good and each time the good tips the scale 100 times over. So if I have to sacrifice a couple of hours every two weeks to keep myself sane and my marriage healthy then so be it. On the days he visits the OW children I make plans for me and my children that will occupy my entire day so much that I really don't have time to think about him being gone. By the time my day is complete and his visitation is complete I am so beat from being out with my children all day that I can only do one thing....sleep peacefully... and wait for a new and fresh day.
I have conquered my depression with trust. The more I learn to trust my husband the less depressed I get. It's not easy. but then if it was easy then it wouldn't be worth while. Your marriage will take you through many challenges; but, it is up to you and your husband to conquer the challenges, learn from them, get stronger and move on. I know you are trying and I know that sometimes you feel like you just can't do this any longer. But I just want you to remember all of the good things that you and your husband has going on and all of the bad things. If the good continue to out weigh the bad then hold your head up high and keep on moving. You are the stronger woman and everyone will see just that. There are some that will criticize you and tell you that you are crazy to sticking by your husband; and guess what, those same people will be right there trying to be with your husband the minute you leave him. So don't give in to the pressure, love your husband and shelter your daughter. let her know that everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect and that the more important lesson in life is to learn from the mistake.
take care....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2008): Well, I am the other woman that has bore twins with the married man; he and his wife doesn't have any together; but she has adopted his older two from a previous marriage. We had been in our affair for almost three years before his wife found out. Since finding out she has told him to cease all contact with me; claims she has accepted the fact that he loves his sons, but cannot and will not accept him having contact with me; she has pushed him into a corner-spying, etc. as a result he is now depressed; she has changed all phone numbers; won't allow him to go to his part-time job( and they already was experiencing financial difficulties); she has lied on me and attacked my character( that doesn't reflect positive on her behalf); she wants him to go through the courts for visitations-again there is no money for that and he was apart of his sons' lives every day since their birth almost two years ago.
She doesn't want to end her marraige because she feels her husband and I will be together but their troubled marraige has only gotten worse. His sister and other relatives still want to meet me( and now they say I have no excuse because she knows now-when months ago she didn't when he told them about us and the boys-so I declined their invitation- I felt bad enough for carrying on this affair, having children with this man and then I was suppose to interact with his family as though he wasn't married-not!). His sister on Friday stated she didn't care how the Wife felt, the real challenge was going to be if she could stay there; that she has been making his life a living Hell, and he's depressed and miserable because he can't see me or the boys and it's not at all what I think; his recent disappearance-she's suffocating him and he can't take a piss without her being right there-out of fear he'll call me or come see me and the babies. This lady has threatened to kill him, his other children and herself if he didn't stop talking to me.
I personally from experience do not see how a marriage can recover after something like this. I doubt if your husband is meeting with this woman at her house, that it's just for the baby. You didn't say when the affair ended, and there will be some level of emotions between the two of them, because they share a special bond-that baby. As for your daughter, children are wise beyond their years, if you have always had an upfront relationship with her, then now is no different. Do not lie about it, try to butter it up, come clean and correct. She will be angry for a day or two, and who knows, maybe she won't be angry at all. She will try to be mindful of her mother's feeling and experience moments of guilt if she's willing to accept her new little brother-because of the hurt of having a little brother has caused you.( Just recently experienced that from the married man's teenagers) This is what his daughter's prospective was( she's 16) Why dad? So when you weren't with us you were with your other family? When can I meet them? What and who do they look like? How old are they? Are you going to abandon us to be with your new family? The son that is 14 was highly upset for a day and then he told his father he had new found respect for him, because he still managed to be a dad to not only them but their little brothers too; he didn't run from his responsibilities and showed him what a Real Man was, even though he had made a mistake, he didn't continue making them. The kids over the past two months, have been wanting to meet me and the babies. They have accepted and want to have a relationship with their brothers, as well as the grandfather, aunts, and uncles, everyone is so thrilled about the boys on their father's side, except for his wife. I was feeling empathy for her, but due to change of events I do not and what ever happens from here on out, I won't have any sympathy or remorse for her.
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male
reader, Sandman  +, writes (14 September 2008):
 Wow, this is tough.
First I would like to extend my sincere condolences to you and your family. I know this will be tough. I know because I've been there.
I've been there not as the father who fathered the child, but the child that was fathered during the affair. I've been there to see both sides - the hurt feelings, the shame. I've seen it all. But all is not lost. There is hope.
Let's talk about your daughter first. Regardless of her age, there may be some anger, perhaps some resentment when she finds out about her little brother. One aunt already stated that your daughter might have anger towards her dad, but that same anger can be misguided towards her little brother who doesn't deserve her wrath - but it CAN happen. Again, I KNOW because I've lived it. A sister (MUCH older) hated me so much - and made it clear to "her" family that I was NOT part of their family. Our sibling relationship was strained forever. It wasn't until the end of her days that I finally found enough courage to forgive her for hating me, although she never apologized to me - ever. But that's alright. I still forgive her. So as you see, age has nothing to do with how she will react. When you feel the time is right, tell your daughter the truth. But not only that, share with your daughter your feelings too (if she's old enough to understand what you're talking about). Share with her how important it is to you that this family stays together and work through this hard time TOGETHER! Because there may be a time when she is faced with a hard decision such as this - and IF that is to be, she can look back on how you handled yourself and the situation with grace dignity. She can look to your example for strength, courage and wisdom to get through it.
But now you've got to regain your strength. There is NOTHING wrong with crying, anger, rage, etc. These are all normal human emotions and deserve their due time. Build upon these feeling you're experiencing. Don't let the anger get you, get the anger. Don't let the depression attack you, attack the depression. Find a licensed counselor who is able to help guide you and your feelings in a positive direction. Before you start medicating your problems away, talk through them first. Find that person who can help. And IF they decide you may need further assistance to get you through, then let them decide that.
Pray. If you don't believe in a higher power, maybe it's time to start. I find LOTS of strength in my faith and beliefs. When I feel like I can't make it or won't make it, I find a word that tells me otherwise - and you know what - I made it! You have been through some tough times, let God help you (IF you believe).
Hope this helps.
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A
female
reader, firstlady +, writes (14 September 2008):
firstlady is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your responses....our daughter is 11, right at that very impressionable stage....she has been wanting a sibling for years now, due to circumstances I have been unable to give her one, but now she has one. I know I have to be strong to help her through this, but I don't know how to get that strength. Counsellors all tell me to leave and start over, I don't want to do that.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (14 September 2008):
 Sweetheart I can't say that I know completely how you are feeling but I do know how betrayal feels and how hurt and upset I was when I found out my ex was cheating on me. The lies and deceit hurt more than anything but you have the added anguish of your husband fathering a child due to this affair.
Your daughter and you are very important in all of this and yes depending on your daughter's age I would talk things through initially with your doctor and think about getting some antidepressants, I have been on some now for about 6 - 9 months and these are really for bedtime but I can take one during the day if I need them and my doctor monitors me very closely, mine is more to do with the loss of my dad last year and trying to function through all the paperwork that I handled for my mum.
I would say that I would get advice first of all from perhaps your doctor and maybe some other organisations such as Samaritans and talking it through with them could help you with coping methods and going through the aspect of telling your daughter. If you feel that she is too young to understand it all right now then perhaps suggest to your husband that he meets up with this woman and his son on neutral ground i.e. his mum's house or something like that or at a coffee shop somewhere in town and he has the child for a few hours and then returns him back to his mother if she is agreeable.
Your husband most definitely needs to know his rights if he going down the route of court for proper access to his son, is he giving her any financial support right now and are there records to prove that?
You don't have to struggle on through this without support of your doctor, friends and family, you have done nothing wrong and your husband knows what he did and the results of that, it sounds to me like this affair woman has realised her mistakes and perhaps she planned this baby all the way along and only wanted a sperm donor otherwise she would be saying to your husband about staying with him.
Make sure you protect yourself and your daughter and get it down on record about this affair as this will all come out in court when he goes for access to his son.
How long has your depression been around btw as I did suffer quite badly after the birth of my daughter and she is now 7 and a half and my depression was not confirmed for over 2 years even though I kept saying I knew something was wrong, my ex started talking to someone when my daughter was 7 months old and I found out when she was 2 and a half. It was not fully sexual until after we split up but the betrayal is hard to forget I must admit. I do however get on very well with my ex and we have a very good best friend relationship now and I have been to the house he shares with this woman and my daughter stays there with them both as well and I don't feel animosity at all.
However we both went through Relate counselling and individual counselling and also couple counselling so I would suggest that this is a good route to do down, it isn't cheap but it makes you stronger as a person and also makes you listen to your partner so much more than I ever did before so do think about going to see a fully qualified couple counsellor as I think this would clear the air properly and you will then see if your relationship is strong enough to go forward as a family or not.
Keep us posted eh!
BFN
Country Woman
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2008): Hi Firstlady,
Just wanted to touch base and say that I know abit about what you're going through - I have previously posted about my husband's 'mistress' falling pregnant and my anguish over how best to deal with it. I am truly sorry you are going through this.
At present my husband is choosing not to have contact with his other child (now a few months old)and the OW has so far repected that and mostly stayed away - so our situation is a bit different. However - we too considered the possibility of having this child as part of our lives, so I have thought alot about this.
In my opinion - your husband should not be visiting this child without you. If he truly wants to salvage his marriage and stop everything with the other woman - he needs to make it clear to both you and her that the two of you are a team, a family...that there is no more "them on the side". Him visting the baby because he wants to be part of its life is one thing - but him playing happy families while you sit at home fretting about what's being done and said is another! Any wonder you feel like you can't get a grip on your emotions! If the baby is going to be part of his life then it is going to be part of yours too - so you should be trying to bond with it and the sooner the OW accepts your involvement in it's life the better. YOU should be spending time with your husband and the child - even if you can't bare the thought of being around 'her'. I understand that the newborn can't be away from it's mother for long - but you and your husband could have time in the garden or another room while the OW has a rest...something like that?
Secondly - I believe you should get legal representation asap - get current access and custody issues sorted out through solicitors - there is far too much emotion involved for you, your husband or the OW to do this on your own. Legal representaion will also be setting clear boundaries with the OW, she will not be able to 'play games' and this will take the stress out of it all for you. Once the baby is no longer breast feeding or whatever the contact you and your husband will have with the OW should be minimal. You say the OW has wanted your husband to walk away...maybe to protect the baby from this mess, but he has legal rights to the child and obviously wants to been in it's life. She will have to accept that and accept half the responsiblity for bringing the child into the world under such circumstances - and you will all have to do your best to make it work - so the sooner you start to sort out how things will be longer term the better.
It's my opinion that while-ever your husband is having "seperate" time with the OW - he is continuing a relationship with her on some level (and perhaps she is able to manipulate the situation and / or him to her own gain). This keeps you and your husband from being able to truly move forward and repair your relationship as you will still feel incredibly insecure and distrusting and he will feel 'obligated' to you both, there is still a thrid person in your marriage! I just do not think this is the way to go.
I think you are very brave for trying to accept all of this, but you need to remember that YOU are important too - it seems to me you are thinking about your daughter, the other child, your husband, even the OW's rights and feelings...what about you? How do you really feel about it all? This is effecting everything in your life - you have the right to try and gain some control over this mess now you know about it.
One of the best moves I made was to start to see a counsellor - I have seen her weekly for several months now and it has been extremely constructive - and has also allowed me to focus on myself more - something I am not great at. I encourage you to find someone you can talk with - someone neutral, safe etc. You won't believe how good it feels to get it all out (I'm guessing you have held ALOT if not all of it in). This is a trauma - and it is on-going. I know that months later I still feel skinless at times and wind up crying - but things have improved too - and I feel like I have started to heal me - not just my marriage.
As for your daughter, that will be difficult no matter how you tell her - but if the child is going to be in her life you must. I don;t know her age now - but chances are she will put two and two together later in life anyway (about her father's behaviour) as will the OW's child...so don;t lie. Just tell her what she needs to know now (only you will know that) and expect more questions as she ages I guess.
Finally, don;t expect too much of yourself - you are human, you have been hurt so very deeply by the person your trusted more than anyone and now there is going to be a constant reminder of that pain in your life. Give yourself time and expect to have days when you can handle it and look forward - but others when you are consumed with anger or sadness again. That's normal. Just do your best and take care of YOU too.
I hope things start to settle for you very soon. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Em +, writes (14 September 2008):
 Firstly, I think you're really brave for accepting this child as part of your family. That's a really selfless thing to do and you should be immensely proud of yourself.
You haven't mentioned how old your daughter is - which, I think decifers heavily on how you should 'break the news'. Whatever you do, just be honest with her. Depending on her personality, her reaction won't necessarily be predictable. But don't be upset if she suddenly decides she hates her father - that's a possible, and likely reaction. It'll take some time for her to accept and feel okay with.
As for yourself. You have justifiable reasons to fall depressed. Maybe make an appointment with the doctors? Medication or councelling, I hear both are radical healing processes and I myself are waiting to go in one day soon.
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2008): This is a terrible situation for you to be in and my heart really goes out to you. You are a much stronger woman than I could ever hope to be and for this alone you should feel so very proud of yourself. You don't say how old your daughter is? If she is young, then it will be easier to explain without the painful reaction, if she is old enough to understand you will unfortunately have to prepare yourself for a very distressing emotional fall out. What your husband has done is awful, you and him will need to show a united front in front of your daughter so that she doesn't grow up thinking this type of behaviour is excuseable - it will be up to your husband to explain to her that what he did was wrong and also reassure her and explain why it happened - this will not be easy listening for you. I think you also need to see a counsellor / therapist to talk through this with and without your husband - this should be a condition of your continuing loyalty to him during this very difficult time. This is very important as your mental and emotional health is top priority afer everything you've been through. Legal help is also a must so your husband knows where he stands and I suggest that he goes to court for access as the current arrangement of him going to her house is not an acceptable arrangement given the circumstances - of course you are eaten up with jealousy! You are human! Him disappearing off without you will only eat away at a very fragile relationship and I think your husband needs to accept that whilst his son is young his access will be limited and should be on neutral territory - thats the price he has to pay for his infidelity and he must accept that. He also has a LOT of bridges to rebuild with you and if he doesn't start putting you and your daughter first I really don't see that you can survive this. It is time for you to put yourself first. Good luck.xx
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