A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am worried about my boyfriend's two-year old boy. We are in a slightly unusual situation where my boyfriend partly lives with his brother on the farm where they grew up. It's a working life and there is a fine line between work life and home life. Five nights a week we go back to my place overnight and both go back to the farm daily. Two nights a week and on Sundays he stays over at the farm cottage(which he and his brother jointly own) when he has his two year-old boy for weekly access visits. I don't stay over at these times (which I'm not happy about) because for a year the Mother would not agree to my seeing the child (another story). Things have improved in that respect when the Mother moved to a different, nearby town and has a new life. This increased my boy-friend's travel time and we now do the journey together which is company for him, and I keep the little boy entertained. It was wonderful when the three of us could start being in the same place at the same time, and the best bit was over Christmas when the little boy was over for four days, and I stayed over at the farm. Unfortunately his brother is causing us a lot of problems and put my boyfriend in an awful position. Shortly after the Christmas visit he told my boyfriend he didn't want me there any more. At all - and I work there with my boyfriend! I was shocked and very upset - it had all seemed so nice - family altogether. My boyfriend was in a very difficult position as they have to work together and run the farm and don't earn a lot, so he has to get on with his brother (who is a grumpy difficult character and somewhat childish sometimes - he is 57, never left home and never been married). We are both in our fifties also and thought this was an outrageous thing to do, but tried to understand that he was perhaps feeling jealous of us being a couple with the little boy, but i have always been so easy-going and take a back-seat when I'm there - just go about things as usual and the little boy comes to me sometimes, to his Dad sometimes and sits on his uncle's knee sometimes - fine. Sorry - I'll try to get to the point! We have had a very tough time since Christmas due to this brother's constant blow-ups of temper and the pressure on our relationship has been awful - we have been falling out quite a bit recently, but I try not to as I know it's what this brother wants. He wants us to split up and me to disappear. I was furious at first and told my boyfriend he should stick up for me and say that he wanted me there, but my boyfriend was reeling with the shock too. The three of us had got on fine for months until this happened, but suddenly I was seen as a threat. I also said I thought we should ignore it and just carry on as normal (which has been hard, being nice and normal and civilised with someone who keeps giving you foul looks). I agreed to compromise for a bit (which I regret!) and said we would go back to me not staying over the two nights, but coming over on Sunday when the little boy was there, so the brother still had some time on his own with my boy-friend and the child. But it means we don't sleep together those two nights now. Before we would sleep together in one room and my boyfriend would go back to his room early am so the little boy could get up and read in bed with him, which is what they have always done and we thought that should carry on for a while. Anyway, the little boy was over for 10 days in Feb when his Mum was on holiday and I had said no way was I staying away for 10 nights, and I would speak to the brother (i had said from the start - if he has anything to say he can say it to me and my boy-friend told him that but the brother said no, he would feel bad - I bet - he just likes to bully my boyfriend - he has done all his life). So - still being normal, friendly and civilised I suggested that perhaps he just wanted to feel he had been considered, and asked if he minded, so I said 'while J is here for 10 nights, would you mind if we stayed over here the odd night. He said no he didn't mind the odd night. We bent over backwards that week and I only stayed 2 nights with a gap in between, but on the last Sunday my boyfriend phoned me upset and said his brother had blown up again and I couldn't come over. He took the little boy out for the day, picked me up and the three of us went out. I was supposed to be staying that night but my boyfriend said best not to and we had a big argument over it. We have had pressures and arguments ever since due to the stress, but did manage to get a break for 3 days away together (which his brother did his best to prevent). I'm worried about my boyfriend who has been getting sick a lot, I have been getting so angry it has turned me into a different person, but we both manage to behave normally when with the little boy. I'm angry that the little boy doesn't like me getting out of the car on Saturday night and not coming back again till Sunday lunch-time. The child comes first as far as I am concerned and he needs all of us to get on well and be in the same place (for now) which is what he is used to. We can't afford to get our own place at the moment and the Mother wouldn't like the child staying at my place. I wouldn't want that either, as it is a bit temporary and he doesn't need loads of disruption - gradual things - and the farm is his second home anyway and he likes it. Somehow I have managed to rise above things and be nice and civilised (with a distinct sense of determination in the background which the brother has picked up and is now 'behaving'), but the strain is getting to me as what he is now doing is playing games and trying to poison my boyfriend against me. And my boyfriend is behaving differently towards me and being confused. I'm also getting confused and I think the child is too. his brother talks to my boyfriend as if I am not there - almost like a wife! And suggests things and gets my boyfriend to make decisions about the child that don't include me. On our own I address this and then we end up having an argument. My boyfriend is now thinking I am being paranoid. And I damned well am not being paranoid - I've had a fair bit of life experience and am less naiive and trusting than my boyfriend. We are trying to finish a small extension to the side of the cottage (which the brother doesn't help with at all but nags about it not being finished). This was started about a year ago, and my boyfriend is getting so confused not knowing why he's doing it now, if we can't all live in the same place, even if there is more room and privacy. I'm sorry this is so long but I needed to give the background because now I am VERY WORRIED about this brother's behaviour with the child and want to be around to see what is happening. Yes he is attached to him - almost obsessively so - he has nothing else and no-one in his own life and is a bit of a loner, altho he does go out twice a week with friends (who we don't know). But he never invites anyone round. One Sunday when we were bending over backwards to make sure he didn't feel left out, we left the little boy with him indoors while we did some work outside. The next thing they walked past and got in the car and drove off. I said to my boyfriend - where are they going? He said he didn't know, he's never done that before. The little boy looked surprised. I was really worried because he only ever goes off in the car with us. If they hadn't come back 10 minutes later I would have asked my boyfriend to phone the brother's mobile and ask him to come back. We talked about this afterwards and my boyfriend wasn't happy about it either. We understood that maybe he wanted to do something on his own with the child, but he should have asked my boyfriend (he's too egotistical for that). And I'm more and more getting the picture that he uses anger, threats and whinging to make sure he gets what he wants - and he wants to share the parenting - I think. The little boy has been quite clingy with me recently and doesn't want to leave my side when i get there - except to be with me and his Dad. he had had his time with my boyfriend and the brother on the farm in the morning, so I was shocked when, an hour after I arrived I heard some conversation in the kitchen and my boyfriend sheepishly said something about 'going out' for a drive to the allotment (which is a remote piece of rural hillside). Am i coming, I asked. It's just S going to take J he said. By this time they were getting in the car and my instincts kicked in and I said No. I told my boyfriend - you go with them - he's too little to go off without you and he can't talk. I had such a strong instinct about this. I'm also pretty sure it was deliberate to annoy me as that was my time with my boyfriend and the child, but my main instinct was incredibly protective. I can't put my finger on it, but it just didn't seem right him taking him to such a remote place on his own. I tried to rationalise it thinking, it's just part of the farm and it's just the brother wanting to 'be a Dad' or uncle for a bit, but it still didn't seem right. Afterwards my boyfriend asked me why I had reacted like that and we had a difficult conversation. I was horrified to hear that this had happened a few times when I wasn't there. I told my boyfriend it was his responsibility and he shouldn't let him go off on his own with anyone. I reminded him about the other time when he had felt the same as me, but it was almost like he was denying it. He said - he's my brother and I trust him. This is causing a big problem for us, because I don't trust him. I felt quite tearful the next day because my boyfriend didn't like the idea that I was suggesting there could be something dodgy about it, but I still begged him not to allow the child to go with anyone until he could talk, and said it wasn't necessary to go somewhere so remote, or necessary at all - he could have time on his own with him in the house when we were around outside. He said he would bear it in mind. But now I'm really worried - because the little boy has been behaving differently - maybe it's just he's picking up something, maybe he's just confused that i come and go - that he sees me as a couple with his daddy in the car and when we stop for tea or go out sometimes, but that I don't come to the house much when he's there or see him put to bed, but I'm worried it may be something more. Twice now he has suddenly seemed really frightened or distressed (not like him, he's a gung ho little boy) and run to me and been clingy. When I was putting his shoes on last week, the brother leaned over to help and put the other shoe on the little boy went a bit strange - catatonic - laid very still and rolled his eyes and went glazed-looking then stood up and freaked out, whimpering and sat on my knee and clung on to me. He also came over at one point and seemed to be trying to tell me something earnestly about 'ding ding' (which is what he calls the brother) and pointing. In our journeys in the car he has been doing something strange. Usually, he plays with a couple of toy cars in the car seat and I turn round and interact with him during the journey - he does peek-a-boo and hides the cars and then brings them out with glee. I've also been aware that his talking, which was coming on really well, seems to have stopped - he seems to have forgotten some of the things he learned and has gone back to just saying odd words and not much. The point is - I'm putting 2 and 2 together and worrying about his safety and feeling suspicious about this brother - and yet I'm also feeling really guilty for even thinking it and thinking maybe I am being a bit paranoid - but my instincts have always been so good on things. I've never had children but I've worked as both a nurse and a teacher in the past and seen a few things - so then I think maybe that's bound to make me think the worst. I can't talk to my boyfriend about this - I just don't think I can - when i reacted so strongly about the child going off to the remote area with his brother, he was quite angry afterwards and said what was I trying to achieve out of that - and i had to say - you are suggesting I am being deliberately manipulative to discredit your brother (and whatever has happened to date, I am not like that. I'm not a jealous person either, I don't have a problem with sharing - and he isn't even my child), but now i can see that my boyfriend is really in the middle and may think I have some ulterior motive when all I want is normality - normal family time. I don't want to get rid of his brother so why does he want to get rid of me? Well I know that answer to that one anyway - he has always tried to keep my boyfriend single because he doesn't want to be left on his own - understandable but sometimes I just think he's plain weird and has no boundaries - he can be like a child and won't do anything round the house - expects my boyfriend to be both his wife and parent - and I know he's jealous of my boyfriend having a child and a girl-friend. It's true I have come to really dislike the man, but i tolerate him and never show anything other than warmth and calmness whatever his behaviour - I've had to deal with bullies before in the past and this tends to disarm them because they expect you to be scared or upset (which I have been sometimes but am determined not to show it). The thing is - I am worried sick about the child now and I don't know what to do, and I'm so sorry I've rambled on so long. I feel responsible - he's so little and trusting and vulnerable. I think if I can make sure the brother doesn't get left on his own with the child I would feel a bit easier, but I think another discussion on this or another argument and i could lose my boyfriend. i call him my boyfriend - but at our age he are more partners. We've been so good together for so long - but he can still be an innocent country boy sometimes. Part of me almost thinks i want it to end to stop this pressure and worry and kind of powerlessness - and not have the reponsibility if there is something bad happening - but then part of me feels I have to be there. This child doesn't understand and he trusts me - yet I have no rights really. I feel so alone with all this. i don't really have anything concrete - just a bad vibe and feeling uncomfortable around this man, which thinking back - i always did. I think when we all got on quite well (my being there improved their formerly difficult relationship with each other) I often felt this brother would have quite happily stolen me from my boyfriend if I had been interested. The worst thing is the change in my boyfriend. I think his paternal feelings towards his child have made him softer with his brother and he has forgotten - or lost perspective - that his brother has done some really unpleasant things to both of us. Suddenly it is me he is turning on, and being good to his brother. I think maybe the pressure is making him crack a bit - both of us in fact. And I keep telling myself it is not acceptable for anyone to put that kind of manipulative pressure on someone, whatever their needs. And I suppose, I'm realising that if this brother can be so unpleasant and controlling with us, he maybe is with the child too - but he can turn on the cheerful charm too, and play the helpless needy attention-seeking thing too (he had heart surgery about 5 years ago so he uses that one a lot - I know that sounds callous but he doesn't care a fig for causing distress to others). If anyone hasn't got totally annoyed by the length of this, is there anyone who has experience of children or has views or feelings on all this business with the child. I know stress can affect childrens behaviour (as adults!) and that the child's to-ing and fro-ing could be a factor (although he's been used to this since birth). Oh yes - this brother is very competitive and macho too (when he's not being a big girl's blouse). I can't speak to the Mother - she prefers it that way - and I don't think I could anyway unless my boyfriend felt the same about all this. I realise he can't even think in that way - it must be unthinkable to him, because he's his brother for all their difficulties. I'm a bit more cynical these days. I know you can't assume that an unmarried man who is fond of a child is necessarily a paedophile, but he has some weird boundaries and my knowledge of men is that they can't go without sex forever - even Catholic priests.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010): Thank you so much for your thoughtful and insightful answer. It really has helped. Yes you are right there are two separate issues. I got everything muddled in together because we had such a stressful week, but we've had a few days without the little boy being here so I've been able to calm down a bit and try to think about one issue at a time. Most of this week has been sorting things with my boyfriend after the rowing - both very tired and decided not to talk about anything for a few days and try to have some normal time together in the evenings, and we've both slept a lot too. He seems to be more back to his old self now.
As regards the living situation and work - yes I can see what you say - we've both been over all the options. Getting a place of our own etc, but not sure how we would afford it. I think it would be best really - but I can't see a good solution for our relationship all the while my boyfriend runs the farm with his brother. Because I am fairly sure his brother would keep him there all hours and I'd hardly ever see him. My boyfriend tends to try to pacify his brother because he says he has to get on with him to run the farm. I don't think that works. Really he should leave the farm and his brother, and I think in some ways he would like to - except it's the only home he has known and he is clinging onto that. I know he could move out but I'm not sure he could give up his farm work. I have gone round and round to try and think of solutions - thinking tactics may help to get the brother to behave - ie if he knew we would just go, he would realise he has to behave if he doesn't want to be left high and dry to run everything on his own - which he couldn't. But I don't think that would last long and he'd revert again. nd I don't think living in a self-contained extension would work either - too close during the working day. I gave up some of my work to help out on the farm when my boyfriend was ill for 2 months last year. I've considered going back to my old work, although there isn't much in my area - part-time might be possible - but part of the reason I've kept going with the current situation is - his brother would keep him there all the time and try to manipulate him again. So I've just muddled along with everything until we had a breather (which we never do)and can think what to do next. But it's a strain. And what finally stressed me was the worry about the little boy. I'm glad I wrote my worries about that that night because in the clear light of day afterwards it seemed quite unbelievable. And I also wondered if my difficulties with the brother were making me think in this way. All I know is, I don't trust him, and as long as he isn't taking him off on his own to remote places i think the situation can be managed. Mostly my reaction was emotional because I was amazed at the strength of my protective feelings towards a child who isn't even mine. I was relieved to find my boyfriend being more normal and thinking more clearly yesterday - seeing that I had been putting up with things that were getting intolerable and affecting my behaviour, and we seemed to be more of a team again. He feels sorry for his brother though - unfortunately we can both be a bit too compassionate with people who are unhappy, but I still think it's no excuse to behave badly or make other people unhappy. My boyfriend seems to have had a reality check though and says his brother has always been like this and whatever nice things you do for him will have no effect - he doesn't care about anyone's feelings except his own. So what to do. I'm scared - I think if I say to my boyfriend we should get our own place and leave the farm - he may agree, but will waver. I'm not sure he has the courage to let go of familiarity or to cope with the small-town mentality of people judging - seeing there are 'problems'. When I met him I knew he had problems with his brother (and his ex too - the Mother of the child) and wanted to be there for him (we were friends for some time before going out), but now it feels I can't help because I'm involved. I think that's why i felt so desperate to write on here, because I don't know what to do and am struggling to cope with the day to day things. It's hardly the time to ask him to make a major commitment to giving up everything for me, when we've had such a rough patch. Were both upset at the situation - imagining how it could all be easy if this brother just accepted our relationship. But he isn't a nice easy-going person who would welcome me into the 'family'. I feel quite torn. I don't want to break up with my boyfriend and leave him with this situation - or go out of the child's life - but I want to be out of this awful situation. Yes I feel he should stick up for me too. I haven't been there when his brother has got angry, so don't know exactly what has been said. All I know is my boyfriend is making a pigs ear of trying to keep both of us happy as his solution, but I said to him the other day that I don't think that is possible because the brother doesn't want to accept me. Sorry I'm rambling again. Thank you so much for replying to me. I don't know what to do - for almost a year I have been living this new life and I almost can't remember how to go back to an old way of living and working. If I did a different job, my boyfriend would have to leave the farm as he couldn't manage there without me. I don't want to accept that everything is about money - ie if we could afford to retire or move to another house it would be easier - we are both happy living frugally, but if it means being trapped in a bad environment I guess I'll have to either leave and support myself or try to earn a good income. Any suggestions as to what I should say to my boyfriend would help. I've found being direct isn't working that well - he feels under pressure - which he is - and starts seeing me as a pressure as well as his brother, and that scared me - because that's what the brother wants - for us to fall out and split up. Yes it is a dysfunctional family situation. Is there anything I can do to make things more normal? My boyfriend is wonderful when he's away from that situation - I don't really want to lose him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2010): I think there are two issues here, and they need to be kept separate but are in danger of being confused. The first is your relationship with your boyfriend's brother, and the second is the welfare of the child.
Let's deal with the first of these, as it's the simpler issue of the two, though still highly complex! Your boyfriend's brother sounds irrational, unreasonable, and impossible to deal with. His behaviour is fractious, capricious, needy and childish. I can't believe that, as a woman in your 50s, you're having to deal with regulations and restrictions on your relationship like a teenager. However, given that he is in his 50s, I believe that there is little you can do to change his attitude and behaviour.
I would suggest that you sat down and discussed these issues about housing with the brother, but he doesn't sound like he has the intelligence (either mentally or emotionally) to be able to handle a conversation like that. It's still worth a try to persuade him of how much his constant tantrums are damaging you, but I'm sceptical about its efficacy because to be honest he sounds like the kind of person who enjoys causing upset to those around him. Since you can't change him, frustrating though that is, the only remedy left to you is to change the situation. I know it's unfair and unjust on every level that you should have to leave your job at this farm, but I believe that it is the only way that you will actually be able to resolve this situation, and prevent yourselves from having to live in a family feud for decades. I know it feels like backing down or running away, but sometimes the strongest thing in a situation is to be pragmatic, and say 'OK this isn't working, how can I get to a point where I have more say and more control'. You say you've worked with children before - is there any way that you could get another job as a nurse or a teacher? That way, you might also be able to generate enough income to get your own place with your boyfriend, which should be an immediate priority.
The only way you are going to have peace of mind is if you can exist as a family, where someone cannot throw you out of your home, or capriciously tell you that you can't see your boyfriend that particular week. Also, I am sure I don't even need to say that there may be a need here to provide a safe and secure environment for the little boy. Since your boyfriend doesn't earn much, the best thing you can do is to become the breadwinner of the family, capable of providing a safe home for you all to learn to be a family together. I know it's scary, and a hassle, to get out there and find work, but I honestly believe that it's only by acting independently and securing a space outside of this dysfunctional family, that your relationship can survive.
Also, it sounds to me like the root problem is that your boyfriend needs to pay a whole lot more attention to your own desires and needs here, and stand up for you a bit more against his brother's unreasonable behaviour. You earn that right simply by being his girlfriend. Essentially, what you're asking is that you can work as a team with him. At the moment he feels torn between the demands of his brother and your demands. However, he needs to recognize that, as a couple, you need a strategy that is mutually agreed to approaching other people. There need to be clearly defined limits, beyond which he won't tolerate bad behaviour towards you. At the same time, you need to be understanding of his situation and a little bit tolerant to his family's eccentricities (which I'm sure you are already!!)
Secondly, we have these complex issues surrounding the welfare of the child. I think you need to be very, very careful here because this is an extremely serious allegation, and not one that is really forgiveable if made erroneously. Please remember that you are NOT an objective observer here. You strongly dislike the man you are accusing and you are ready to think the worst of him. Now that's understandable, given his behaviour towards you, but please bear in mind that however poorly he's acted towards you, it doesn't justify making wild accusations of child abuse. You have nothing but the thinnest circumstantial evidence to go on at present. I'm not saying that abuse categorically ISN'T happening, but that you have no proof that would even justify an accusation, let alone stand up in a court of law. Nothing you have at present is remotely conclusive: children behave oddly all the time, their eyes glaze over all the time, and there are plenty of older men who live happily celibate lives without molesting children! You'd need much, much more to take this any further, even just within the family.
Be under no misconceptions here: an accusation of child abuse will tear the family apart, irreparably in a way that no amount of time will heal. You need to be absolutely certain before you proceed. At the moment, it sounds to me that there is a possibility that you are, unconsciously and without any malicious intent, using the welfare of the child to try to find something concrete against your boyfriend's brother. It is at least possible that you feel unable to resolve the impasse between you as adults, and so you are looking for something more concrete in the situation of the child, because that would enable you, your boyfriend, and his little boy, to become the family unit you so desperately desire. As I said, at the moment your boyfriend is sending you the message that he doesn't see your interests and his interests are aligned, but instead feels stuck in the middle between you and his family. I think you're (perhaps subconsciously) reacting to this, trying to persuade him to see you and his little boy as his core 'family'. One very effective way of achieving that is to align yourself with the interests of the child. However, I think that you need to resist the temptation to use the child's welfare as a pawn in your own struggle. Have confidence that your claims on your boyfriend are completely justified and completely reasonable in their own right, without needing extra evidence. You deserve to be loved for yourself and all your wonderful qualities and you deserve to have the family you want.
I'm absolutely NOT saying that you're doing this deliberately. I'm just saying that it COULD be a subconscious rationale for this. You seem like a deeply intelligent and perceptive person, and that's precisely why alarm bells are ringing in my head right now. It just strikes me as odd that you're so worried about this, given the slender evidence base you have for any kind of accusation.
That said, I think it's plain commonsense to make sure that the child is properly cared for. I'm not a great believer in intuition, but I do believe that no harm can come of your being wary and alert if you have suspicions, provided that you keep them to yourself while you observe, and bear in mind that appearances can be deceptive. I think you're right to suggest that your boyfriend should accompany the little boy as much as possible - if only because farms are large, dangerous places for small children, and one pair of eyes is sometimes not enough! Being just a little bit vigilant for the child's welfare can't hurt, provided it doesn't turn into paranoid spying and checking up.
I hope that this doesn't come over harshly. I think the situation that you are in personally is intolerable, and the way you are being treated outrageous. Solving this is of paramount importance if you are to retain any kind of peace and sanity in this highly, highly stressful situation. I think some measure of financial independence from the family could help you achieve this. However, your boyfriend also needs to support you a whole lot more. You basically need a battle summit, where you make tactical decisions about how you will tackle this very difficult situation to allow you to exist as a functional nuclear family, with a decent relationship to what I expect will always be a dysfunctional extended family.
I wish you all the very best. My thoughts are with you.
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