A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I been loving this guy friend like two years and we were studying in the same university. Unfortunately I and him have thing more than friends, but he did have feeling on me, because only friend, he will not crying with me when he saw me hurt and sad because of him. We did have some drama issues. We always enjoying hanging out together, shower, watching movie, sleeping at each other places sometimes. However, he still always denied his own feeling because I can tell he did has it. But he desperate want a girlfriend and flirting other girls who ever he is interest. I sad he got time to let other girl fall in love to him but never aware there is already someone like him (me). When sometimes I jealous, he will mad at me said I was acting like his gf. But when I was hanging out with other guys, he jealous and asking me did i slept with them! He told me before because of my culture similar with him, the dating will not working. Second time, I was too soft for him, and he will be cheating. He ever told me I was deserve better, i was really loyal to him and really nice to him.I know I was dumb because I never said no to him when he is calling me at the midnight then come to hanging out with me. The last day i communicated with him was on May, summer. He is totally cut me off completely. Then I found out actually he confess to one of my Germany friend that he like her.She was exchange student in our school for 4months and then she went back. He and she always using skype to dating, texting, writing or even international calling. My friend also change her attitude instantly once she found out that the guy that I was having problems all the time was him. I remembered before she find out who is this guy, she told me that he is bad person, i should deserve better etc. because I trust her, I told her everything that actually I and this guy have more than friends, she said she overwhelming the whole situation.But now she wasn't that way, she always using excuse "I wasn't there for two years, i dunno what happened between you both" to walk away my conversation. if she really care about my friendship, she will find out the truth, but she never did. She believe the guy and take his position. The guy also totally ignoring my text, my email, and deleted me from facebook. I feel so hurt and betray because they both are people that i trust, and now they rather choosing love and don't bother my feeling being hurt. I having problem of depression for two years. It was the worst for me when i know they were together in last summer. I asking them could I talking with them, but the answer that i got "go talk with counselor, obviously I cannot help you."Both giving me the same answer. The guy never letting me know and never explain to me and just walk away, shut his own door. I said I wish to making this all clear by face to face communication. He don't want to do so, he said he cannot do that. I feel like he looking at me like a wild dog, talking with me will bite him!? he totally just be silent, and letting me talking by myself, which ended up I was a drama queen, i deserve being treat like this. He said I was deserve better, he is an asshole, so what about the girl? does she mean she is an asshole and that why he love her?i did so many things for him, but he doesn't pay attention to me. But the girl who living in Germany, he buying flower and send to her country. He deleted me from facebook, i was asking him why, he said he didn't pushing me away, he just want me get better. Never respond my email, cut me off completely not consider as pushing me away??!! it is using his hands pushing me physically then he consider as pushing me away?!! During x'mas, the girl eventually went to see him in Ecuador until this week. I feeling so hurt because he never invite me to visit him, and 2 weeks of traveling in his place, i could tell everything already happenings, from kiss to fuck. After 6months, the guy will heading to Germany to studying. Seen they already physically touch to each other, the chances to survive the long distance relationship is possible, i guess. But do they having problem with their culture? i dunno. he only think about he need serious relationship, he only think he have feeling. What about me? i'm human being too, i looking for serious as well, and he is playing my feeling and then just thrown me away like a toy. i still having hard time to get over him, because i invested too much time and feel on him. I really get hurt so bad seeing the true side of both people that i used to trust.I still missing him a lot, but he never want to talking with me.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (9 January 2011):
Hi there. Unfortunately, you were in a FWB (Friends With Benefits) relationship. The benefits of course, was the sex.
You kept saying "Yes" to him seeing you, so he kept on calling you whenever he felt like sex.
This is often called a "Booty Call" - a call just for sex, but nothing more.
It would have been much better if you had just remained good friends with him, but without the sex.
Giving sex freely to a man without him taking you out to nice places and actually spending some money on you, is sex given without any real effort made by him. He never gets to know you properly or even bothers to.
In doing this, you also lose some self respect. Men in these relationships don't really care that much, they are only interested in getting what they want. They might also say some things they know you want to hear, just so you will keep saying "Yes". And of course you will say yes, in the hope of a serious commitment by him, over time.
The reason you probably kept on saying "yes" to him, was because you hoped it might become more - like boyfriend and girlfriend. But FWB's very rarely (if ever), eventuate into that. It just doesn't happen. It simply becomes a habit you both get into to.
It's a friendship of convenience that fills a need (getting sex), for both of you - for a while - but there inevitably comes a time where one or both of you will want a lot more than just empty sex, no matter how good that sex might be.
It's one of those situations where, all of a sudden one day, he will just say he can't see you anymore, because he's now in a serious relationship. It's emotionally shattering, I can assure you.
You kept saying "Yes" to him, because you thought that to say "No" would mean an end to it. It probably would have been an end, and he would just be doing that with someone else until he met someone he really did want to get to know better.
You made yourself too available to him, which made it way too easy for him to get what he wanted. Men like to be challenged by women, by the women not always being available, and having an interesting independent life of their own. That's what makes a man really interested and keeps them interested and coming back again and again.
This is something you might like to try in future.
Don't be too willing to jump into bed with a man in future on the first date, or the night of first meeting them, because this sets you up for either never seeing them again, OR becoming a FWB victim. You don't want that again, you deserve better than that.
When you do meet someone else in future, just be friends to begin with (no sex), and when they have taken you to nice places and spent money on you and treat you like a lady and with respect, then and only then, consider whether you feel you are ready to take it to the next level. It might be a few weeks, but the wait will be well worthwhile. And be very sure they are worthy of giving them that very sacred part of you, because it's a special gift. It's worth a lot.
Good luck and best wishes.
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