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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi I've never posted here before, and I kind of need some advice. I'm in my late 20's, and am going out on a third date with a guy I've known for a couple of months. We get along really well and really dig each other. The thing is, I know that in the next couple of weeks, things may lead to sex, but I haven't had sex or been in a relationship for 6 years. Here's the story - I had one boyfriend in college but we never slept together (I wasn't ready at the time) and he got fed up and one night he ended up raping me, so I hated men for years after that. But now I've changed, I don't have trust issues anymore, but now in terms of sex and relationships I'm very inexperienced. I mean, that was my one and only sexual experience.I just don't know if I should tell my date or not. I mean, if I'm going to be crap in bed (highly likely) I don't want him to lose interest in me, but I don't want to scare him away with the truth either. I'm thinking I should just not say anything and just wing it when we do have sex?? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (2 May 2008):
 Just go with the flow. No one has a script when having sex, except for maybe on movies.
About your rape. You know deep down all men don't rape and treat women poorly. This was a traumatic experience. Unfortunately in trauma associations are filed with the event. In your case, a man was the actor, therefore you developed red flags when it came to men in general. In situations like this, it's key to separate the general fear and attach the act with the person who caused it.
It's like a car accident at an intersection. Cars we're involved. The intersection can not cause an accident, but afterward when passing the intersection, the person involved may feel fear, andxiety etc. even if no other cars are around.
I hope everything works out for you and this person. As far as telling him about your past. You don't need to come right out and say you we're raped, but quite a few men respect the fact of someone who is inexperience, rather than overexperienced.
A
male
reader, Smiffy  +, writes (2 May 2008):
 Hi, Im sorry to hear of your past experience.I am in complete agreement with the posters here, tell your BF of your concerns / past....if he is the one for you he will treat what you tell him with respect and NOT pressurize you in to anything....patience is a virture lacking nowadays....if he doesnt understand then he is NOT the guy for you.I wish you the best of luck....
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 May 2008):
 Hi, sorry to hear of your awful experience! I want to tell you that rape is not a 'sexual experience,' it is an assault and a domination tactic, a brutal thing to do to anyone. You have to keep that in mind. Please tell him that you had this assault if you can so that he knows not to push you into anything you don't want to do. And if you can't, be very honest with him about your lack of experience and that you want to take things slowly.
Your trust in men has been brutally battered, and I applaud you for coming through it and allowing yourself the ability to be able to trust again. A truly caring man would never push a woman into doing things she wasn't ready for.
As far as what to do with him, I think 'winging it' is probably the best thing to do, just be sure to protect yourself and don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do!
I wish you all the best.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (2 May 2008):
 Hi, Sorry to hear that was your first experience, it must have been awfull. But you have dealt with it and got on with your life, so that is brilliant.
Maybe you could just tell your partner that you dont have much experience and need to take things slowly. If you dont want to tell him what happened honey then dont.
Sex with a loving partner can be a wonderfull thing. XX
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2008): Be honest with this guy - you did nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of. If this neww guy really respects you (and you should expect this ) then he will listen ,be patient if he needs to be and reassure and guide you into a comfortable and warm relationship. Do not judge yourself with what happened in the past - go forward and be opened to new and wonderful possibilities! Life is too short to hang on to past negative experiences. The main thing here is that you be honest and expect the same - remember you are a good person and dont allow people make you do what you dont want to - you do have the power. Take care
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