| A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I am so ANGRY right now! My boyfriend and I have issues with trust. We went for our first couple's counselling appointment today. While in the waiting room, this blonde woman came out to get a drink of water at the cooler. I think she was one of the other therapists who work there. She bent over to fill up her bottle. I noticed her come into the room right away and asked myself how long would it take for my boyfriend to notice her. The answer is not long. I watched him like a hawk and looked at his eyes after he noticed she was there. They went straight to her ass and back up. I SAW HIM WITH MY OWN TWO EYES!! And yet when I asked him about it, he got angry at me, gaslighted me and DENIED IT! He always gas lights me and blames me for his behavior but this time I was there and SAW it with my OWN TWO EYES and he cannot gaslight me this time!!! We were there for our first session of couple's therapy. AND he knows I have trust issues because he cheated in a previous relationship!!! And we are off on the wrong foot if we have any hope of working things out!! What guy in his right mind would eye up another woman right in front of his gf when they are having issues and right before their first therapy appointment?? Talk about pouring salt in the wound! For the record, I'd never eye up a well hung guy or a guy with a nice ass right in front of him because I would not want to make him feel bad and because I am considerate of his feelings! Men can control themselves, right??He has done this before, many times, although more discreet other times. This time he was so obvious. He is ALWAYS checking out other women and I feel like I am constantly competing with any female who crosses his path. I am a beautiful woman and I am the whole package but his ogling other women as I stand beside him makes me feel ugly, invisible, not good enough and likes he's on the make!!! And I have no problems with my self esteem. I know my worth. The problem is does HE? I don't think he does. He constantly makes me feel insecure and unsafe in this relationship. I don't want or need to feel miserable and insecure in any relationship. And I hate that he gets angry with me and blames me for OVER REACTING!!?? WTF? He acts like an asshole and I take the hit? Right now I hate him. And all I see when I see him is his face ogling another woman's ass and I am still very angry with him or maybe more angry with myself for allowing him to treat me in this way, which is beneath me! I don't feel like he shares the same moral values as I do. And that will cause the relationship to fail. I want monogamy. He claims we have a monogamous relationship but after today's blatant disrespect I'm starting to feel I was right in putting my wall up. And I am not sure this kind of man will EVER change. And I am only putting myself through more and more suffering by staying with him. Tell me what you think? Must women put up with men always ogling other women? If that's the case, maybe it's better to stay single. Why wait until they dump you for the next girl whose ass they salivate over???
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2021): Girlfriend, why all the drama?
You had intel that he cheated in a previous relationship. That was a caveat. You were forewarned, but you just had to have him anyway.
Dump the boyfriend, if you're the jealous-type! A straight-guy is going to look at a pretty-lady!
Going to couple's counseling and whatnot...you need to take a chill-pill and get a personal therapist to deal with your own insecurities. He ain't your husband, you're together on an honor-system. You're the one who wants to hang-on to him for dear-life; even though you somehow feel you should have control over what his roving-eyes can see!
How does somebody else make you feel ugly? Did he call you ugly? Did he send you a meme that said you're ugly? If you think he wants other women, let him go! He's driving you nuts, seems that's reason enough to kick him to the curb!
Boyfriends are disposable and replaceable! As are jealous insecure-girlfriends. To put-up with all this, and stay; he must care something about you.
If you didn't have a boyfriend, you'd still hate your own body; and hate on women whom you felt look better than you do. That's an inner-issue. Just their existence and presence would make you feel bad about yourself, or self-conscious; but you're projecting your anxieties onto your shady booty-peeping boyfriend. You knew he was a cheater, and still went for it. Who's fault is that?
Go find yourself another boyfriend. I'd bet you a silk pouch full of diamonds, you'd behave the same with any guy! You'd blame him for your insecurities as well! No man would have a moment's peace; because you'd be too busy beating him up for what this guy did! If a female walks by, you'll lock-on to his face to see where his eyes are! Boyfriends are not held to the same standards and boundaries as husbands! This dude is not even your fiancé!
If someone hot walks into the room; heads will turn, or eyes will shift! Regardless of gender! A woman who is confident in herself, and works with what God and nature gave her; will get just as much male-attention, and female-envy. Guys are conditioned by double-standard societal acceptance to gawk at females. It's supposed to prove and confirm you're heterosexual. Decency and maturity teaches us to consider the feelings of the person we're with. If that kind of courtesy isn't there; then maybe he shouldn't be either.
You were fearfully and wonderfully made by God. Your self-worth and attractiveness doesn't hang on the opinion of any man. If a guy makes you feel all that bad, maybe you should become a nun; or live the rest your life in celibacy. You can't handle having a boyfriend. Not a straight-one anyway!
You cannot, and should not, allow any man to drive you into this state of mind; or make you feel as you've described in your post. I'll let the women who "feel you" post their support; but I'm going to tell you like it is.
We can't control how other people feel, think, or behave. If we want certain traits, standards, and character in a mate; we have to keep searching until we find them. Meanwhile, we use that time to work on our own issues. Most of your self-hatred and body-shame is self-inflicted. He didn't create you! You're healthy, have all your limbs, all your digits, all your toes; and all your body-parts and senses function. You can't blame everything that makes you feel bad about yourself on men; or you may as well date women! Guess what, lesbians will do the same thing; and so will straight-women, when the guy is hot enough! Whether you've got a boyfriend or a husband, you can't help but look if you're not blind! You're peeping from your peripheral; just so he won't notice you checking-out cute-guys. You're so jealous, you'd be that hypocritical. The more jealous a person is, the less you can trust them. You can't curb his behavior with showering him in your insecurities; so you throw hissy-fits! Don't worry, he'll leave without being ejected! You're going to drive him away!
Next time you're out together, blindfold your boyfriend; if it makes you feel better about yourself.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 May 2021):
 I have to say this is definitely more about YOUR insecurities than anything else.
If he cheated in his previous relationship and you are "against" cheating, then why date him? Did he cheat WITH you perhaps?
You are holding his past actions (that he DIDN'T even DO to you) against him as ammo to try and control him and make him into someone HE is NOT.
I definitely think you should keep going to therapy. You need to work on your insecurities. A PARTNER can not fix that for you. All they can do is constantly be on the defensive because YOU makes them walk on eggshells. YOU want HIM to change and be the man YOU want him to be. That is unrealistic.
This is not healthy. For either of you.
I also GET that it can be demoralizing when your own partner is ogling another woman like a piece of meat. However, HE can not "MAKE" you feel "ugly, invisible, not good enough and likes he's on the make" - those feelings are YOURS. Because YOU are the one comparing and thinking life is a competition between women over men. That women compete for a man. Seriously, no. Most of us don't.
If a guy "blatantly" shows you - a "look at all these other options I have, you should feel lucky I'm dating you" kind of attitude... YOU are with the wrong guy. Someone who is CONSTANTLY looking for greener grass (and some people are) are NOT good partners.
You say you have no self-esteem problem and you know your worth... so why are you with this guy again? You say he makes you FEEL "ugly, invisible, not good enough and likes he's on the make"... That doesn't sound like the thoughts of a confident woman.
Dating someone, marrying someone, committing to someone is PARTLY about ACCEPTING the other person for WHO they are. Even their flaws. Does it mean that neither of the parties can't change over time, we all do. But YOU can not decide WHAT he should change about himself and what is OK for him to keep doing.
Life isn't a "build-a-perfect-partner" by trying to change them. It's not going to happen. HE WILL no be the guy you WANT him to be, or think HE could be.
You need to seriously consider if this is the guy for you. And to keep working on yourself of this issue will happen OVER and OVER.
And if you are a beautiful woman (I don't doubt that) you have a LOT bigger pool of potential mates to pick from, so maybe... pick someone who is MORE in line with your own set of morals and values.
As things are now, your relationship is toxic. And you are BOTH fueling this toxicity.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (29 May 2021):
 You say you are a beautiful woman with no self esteem issues, but I would seriously question the latter. I suspect you suffer from an external locus of identity. You measure your self worth against external factors such as your physical appearance or, more significantly in this case, that you have a boyfriend who will never look in the direction of another woman.
Just because someone is in a relationship does not make them oblivious to other people around them. Apart from the fact that your boyfriend is human, not blind and dares to admire other beautiful women from afar, has he ever given you any REAL cause to doubt his fidelity? You knew he had been unfaithful in another relationship (was that with you?) yet you CHOSE to get into a relationship with him. If you are not sufficiently secure to get past his previous misdemeanors, why did you get into the relationship in the first place?
Your boyfriend's admiring glances at other females are not the problem here. Your insecurity and irrational controlling behaviour is what will break you up.
In your shoes I would walk away now before you put the man through any more abuse. Work on yourself and your self esteem and pick your next partner with more care.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (29 May 2021):
 I think you are still carrying insecurities because he cheated in a previous relationship.
I don't think you entirely trust him as its always in the back of your mind, if he cheated in a previous relationship, is he capable of doing it in this one.
Trust is one of the most important ingredients that bind a relationship together, without trust a relationship with head towards a downward spiral.
You have recognised that you have relationship issues that need addressing which is good. Are you finding that the couples counselling beneficial?.
I'm not going to condone oggling other people when your with your partner, but sometime's you can't help it. I assume you were in a small waiting room when the blonde woman came out to get a drink of water?. I probably would of done the same thing to be honest. Where else was he going to look?. Was he supposed to look the other way?. Pick up a magazine?. Basically look anywhere in the room as long as he does not look at her.
When you watch TV, or films do you expect him to look the other way if sexy lady's appear on screen?.
At the end of the day he is in a relationship with you, not with someone in a waiting room, or walking down the road.
I would just say if your finding the counselling beneficial then keep doing them.
If you think you are never going to be trusting your boyfriend, and get upset every time he looks at another woman, then maybe you have to ask yourself if this relationship is really for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2021): Its human nature to look !!
Work on your own confidence
When you catch him looking tell your self over and over .. ITS OK HE LOVES ME , ITS OK HE LOVES ME . eventually it will make you feel better .. my husband and I comment on gorgeous people all the time . No argument needed .
As fast as he noticed the fine ass girl he will forget her just as fast it's a problem because you allow it to be ..
If hes starring to much just say Babez put you tongue away ..
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A
female
reader, EmmyApple +, writes (29 May 2021):
Wow. The problem here is your insecurity, not your husband glancing at an ass that’s right in front of him. You said he “makes me feel ugly, invisible, not good enough.” How?? You’re acting like looking at a woman’s ass for 2 seconds is some unforgivable betrayal. I’m sorry, but it’s not. Any man, when a woman’s ass is right in front of him, is going to see it. No, I DON’T think that can be controlled. Did your husband sleep with that woman? No. He didn’t even talk to her! Your husband hasn’t done anything wrong. You are the one who need to be more confident. Simply glancing at someone who is right in front of him, is not an act of betrayal. You are being very unfair to him by acting like it is.My husband often looks at other women. Guess what? He can’t help it. He’s a healthy male with a big sex drive. When a man sees the curves of a woman’s ass or boobs, it does something to him physically. That physical reaction is natural and can’t be helped. You’re kidding yourself if you think guys can choose not to see curvy women who are right in front of him. Of course they notice them! It’s how men are wired.I used to be insecure like you, because I’m quite a bit overweight and out of shape. And every time we went out together, some fit athletic girl would walk by in skin tight leggings with a tight, toned ass and flat stomach. And I would feel super insecure about my own body because I’m soft and flabby and I have a lot of tummy fat. I would catch my husband looking, and think “he’s lost all interest in my body... it’s become too fat for him.”But guess what? I was totally wrong. My husband is wild about my body. Yes I catch him looking at other women - I’ll even catch him watching a bikini contest on TV or YouTube, or looking at hot women on Instagram. But I’ve accepted that this is normal, healthy male behavior. Ant guy who says he never looks at women, is just lying to you. But my husband never does more than look. He doesn’t talk to the women. So he is loyal to me. And he constantly proves that he’s satisfied with my body, because we have a wonderful sex life.You need to accept that your boyfriend is a healthy male and for males, noticing the female figure when it’s in front of them, is a natural reaction for them. He has not been disloyal and you need to work on developing the confidence to let him be a normal male without it making you feel “ugly, invisible, not good enough.” I hope your therapist can help you with that, because what he did is normal and should not make you feel that way.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2021): i have had partners and boyfriends do the same look at other women even speak to them in front of me. Do you know what its horrible there is no excuse for it they do it to upset you thats why they do it.
When you walk away he will get what he deserves. because he is so disrespectful to you. it makes me mad and i wasnt even there ! a man who respects you wouldnt treat you like that. you deserve better find someone who deserves you please you dont want a lifetime of that as it will get worse and you will never feel secure
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2021): I think that most people check out other people that they think are hot ALL THE TIME and that is PERFECTLY OK.
Just because you are in a relationship with someone doesn't mean that you somehow become blind to the attractions of other hot people. Your boyfriend's behaviour is normal.
You will always suffer in relationships if you don't work on your jealousy and insecurity. Read some books about non-monogamy like "The Ethical Slut". I'm not saying you should be poly, but if you look at the far extreme perspective (being happy for your partner to be in a romantic and sexual relationship with someone else) you might be able to realise that looking at attractive women isn't really a big deal at all.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2021): wow. I feel sorry for your boyfriend. you're incredibly insecure, controlling and abusive. home truths I'm afraid. this relationship is doomed if you dont accept you're irrational jealousy isn't a major problem.
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