A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello everybody!I have been dating my boyfriend (let's call him Mark) for almost three years now, and he is a wonderful person. He is always doing nice things for me, and he is so considerate. The issue is not him, but rather, his mother.In the beginning, she was always really nice to me. She was always really helpful and she was so supportive towards me in me dealing with my relationship with my mother, which has been somewhat strained. Lately, though, she has gotten more quiet and somewhat snappy, but she was always still polite. Everything went absolutely downhill about a week ago. My parents and I were taking my boyfriend on a trip to California with us, and we were paying for the entire thing. My parents realized we could not fit him in our car and so we calmly asked if they could drive him to the airport for us, which should not have been a problem. It really was. His mom called my mom and started attacking her for hours over the phone, saying we were deliberately withholding information from her and that we were bad people. Mark and I tried to stay neutral about that arguement, even though Mark's mom was trying to make him side with her, saying my mom was the one attacking her, even though my mom couldn't even say anything. Now, Mark is a lovely man, but he is a total momma's boy. He saw no fault in his mother and put all the blame on my mom. I let that go until she decided to call me.His mom called me and yelled at me about how I am rude and inconsiderate (not true) and that "that betch" (my mom) was abusive and she is such a martyr and I am not worthy of her kind and wonderful son, and that I have ruined their beautiful relationship. All the while he was trying to get her to stop, he was screaming at her and trying to take the phone until she locked him out, and then he was trying to break down the door. She was making ridiculous and wild accusations and saying horrible things about me, and she was saying I just expected this kind of treatment from adults anyway, since I was "conditioned" by my parents. That is a horrible thing to say to a kid who was emotionally abused. I love my family, even with our faulty past, and she is just horrid for trying to turn me against them.After we got back from Cali, everything got worse. He isn't allowed to run errands with me or allowed in my house or near my pets because they are unclean (nevermind that she is a hoarder and my pets are cleaner than she is) and she is putting strain on us. I am trying not to make my boyfriend choose between his mom and I but I really have to wonder about our future. She doesn't think she needs to apologize because she thinks this whole thing is my fault, and Mark isn't making her apologize. He is too much of a momma's boy, and he says he 'sees her side of the story.' There are no sides! He was right there for the whole conversation! Can't he make his own opinions? It sounds like she is manipulating him. I want to just forget about this and move on, but it is really hard to do so when I feel like he isn't supporting me. I know I can't get between them, but It seems like he would rather support his mom than see the truth. I still love him, but everything is all just really confusing and difficult to handle. I'm extremely hurt by her words and his actions. Am I being unfair towards him? I want to be fair.What should I do?
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female
reader, CarnationCrab +, writes (24 June 2013):
I actually am in the same exact situation! Scary similar. We were going to Florida and his mom tried to pull him out. I'm so happy to hear I am not alone!!
I think we gotta think about how much we can really handle. They love their moms. They love us. Their moms will always come first. Those are the facts. Can you deal with them? I'm not sure if I can yet, but I hope so.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 June 2013):
 if you spend your life with Mark his mommy will always come first.
I would not ask him to choose, he's already chosen.
Now you have to decide if you wish to stay with him and if so, how you will cope with this.
Personally I would never ask someone to choose me or them... the THEM always wins if you are the one asking them to chose...
if it was me I would say "Mark, I really love you but the situation with your mother is not working for me. I can't expect you to chose or understand my POV so for both of our sakes and to keep the peace, I'm going to back off for now."
then do it.
stop calling
stop going to his home
extract yourself from your life with him when his mother is involved. if he is over 21 he can detach from mommy now legally and he will have to emotionally eventually if he is to grow and mature into a productive adult. if he does not he's not a good partner for you anyway.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2013): I have to disagree with aunt honesty. It sounds like the boyfriend needs to stick up for his girlfriend. If this was my girl I would totally have told my mom that she was in the wrong here. What about later in life, when the mother might lash out again about the kids or something? He has to be able to do what's right for his family, and it sounds like he is to close with mommy right now for that to happen.
The OP has two choices. They can wait it out to see if he matures, or she can leave. I can't tell her which to choose, but the mother sounds jealous and clingy.
Is the boyfriend going to college? Getting out of the house, and, more importantly, momma's grasp, may be the best option to save your relationship.
Any other ideas, agony aunts?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 June 2013):
 This is a tricky one because at the end of the day it is his mother and he is going to try and see good in you both. I think the best way to move forward from this is to wipe the slate clean. Yes it is hard when you are hurting and feel like you didn't do nothing to deserve that treatment, but for the sake of your relationship I think the best thing to do is be the bigger person and let it go. If you see his mother be polite to her, do not bring up the argument and try and forget it.
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