A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together for a year, things were great he was the best of the best. The guy who respects woman, loves her with unconditional care, and is an absolute gentleman. He had only had one ex girlfriend who lasted for 7 months. She was his first love. She is extremely fugly, talks like a man ( literally sounds like one ), has no figure, boobs and unsightly hair - no joke seen her before. While I am a model. But it was their relationship I envied most. She took his first kiss, his first hug, and even his virginity ( she was not even a virgin, and from what I heard she is a slut ). His friends claim that they were deeply in love. When i first was introduced to my boyfriend by my friends. I could tell he was devastated, they had just broken up. He was emo, suicidal - a totally different person from what he is today. I could tell he was deeply impacted.During our first month, I found out that he still had her name under a heart, but he claims it was just a best friend. Which I believed cause under some of his contacts were male friends who had a heart under them too. But now looking back, I'm getting paranoid.I'm a virgin and i lost my virginity to him. Then I realized that he lost his virginity in the very same bed we made love every time! I get nightmares of him going back to her, sometimes I can't even enjoy myself during sex just cause I am imagining my boyfriend with his ex at the exact same bed making love instead of us both. It haunts me day by day. I refuse to go anywhere they had been to, such as a mall, or park. And even if I do. I would get cranky and start hurling insults and picking up a fight with him. I have had this problems for the past 9 months. Time isn't helping.My boyfriend doesn't know about my problem. People say he loves me, but I doubt it. He's let me hit him, punch him and even kick his balls. He just gives in to me because he says he loves me. Today we went to his aunt's shop and I knew that he and his ex used to work here. I got pissed and started picking a fight with him. It was raining heavily so I jokingly said ' why don't you get your ass out there and stand in the rain fucker ' . He actually did it, and I let him stand there for 10 minutes. I felt bad because of this but awhile that i felt happy - maybe cause I wanted to let him feel a little bit of pain. because that what I feel everyday.I have really terrible issues, I can't sleep, eat and I'm torturing myself. I even felt like breaking up or sleeping with some other guy just to get even. No one can change the past, but I love him. And I really can't let him go. Please advice thank you.
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female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (28 March 2011):
 Wow. I have issues with my fiance's past as well, but you show no signs of actually "loving" your boyfriend. My extremes were hard to compete with, I assure you. I was obsessive, uncontrollable, and an emotional mess. My every thought was consumed by this girl. Every word he had ever said to me about her could be replayed in my mind. Every time anything got mentioned that related to her, I would freak out and become very moody and sensitive. I would break out sobbing because I couldn't take it at times. My personality went from a fun, loving, happy girl to one that was irritable, insecure, and irrational. Any fights we would have were about her and my insecurities. But I would never make him suffer or "pay" for having a past with a girl that I wasn't even there for. I'm sure he suffered a lot watching me suffer. And I'm sure the 180° personality change wasn't one that he wanted to stick around for. But I never once thought about making him feel pain to match my own. I've never once laid a hand on him to hurt him. The fact that you're using that as proof to show that he loves you and won't leave is a very unsettling thing. That's what's called an abusive relationship. I wanted answers, so I brought his ex up a lot. I was insecure and suffering, and I wouldn't let her go. It wasn't because I wanted to make him suffer, it was because I wanted to make myself suffer. I didn't feel like I was worthy of him and that was my way of proving it.You really need to get your shit straight and figure out what your issues are before you can expect to move on from this. Your making him stand out in the rain for ten minutes is appalling. That is not something a girlfriend who loves her boyfriend would ask of him, especially because he has a past that didn't include you. Break up with him if you really can't deal with his last relationship, and then get some help for yourself. Because you'll find that even without this relationship, you'll find something else to take these insecurities out on. Whether it's your next relationship, some kind of eating disorder, some kind of drug addiction, etc. you'll find a way to blame it on something. Believe me, I've been there. Get some help, and stop hurting your boyfriend this way. He doesn't deserve the way you treat him.
A
male
reader, Andy00  +, writes (27 March 2011):
 Let me give you a hypothetical - It's 10 years from now. You and your current boyfriend broke up a long time ago. You have met other guys since then whom you have dated and slept with. Then you meet a wonderful guy. One who cares for you and is everything you could hope to find in a man... But another woman took his first kiss, hug and virginity fourteen years prior to meeting you. Is that really going to be a problem for you? Do you think it would be worth throwing away a relationship with him for that reason?
From now on for the rest of your life, every guy you meet is going to have some sort of history. It's inevitable. While I can relate and understand what it's like to have a first love, and i'm very well aware that when you're with your first love they are the only ones you ever want to be with and you want him to be the same - pure. But you can't change the past. What's done is done and there is nothing you can do to change that, hence you must find a way to accept that. It is so, so rare for two people to spend the rest of their lives with the first person they fall for, and I think you DESPERATELY need to realise that.
While it may be difficult, you MUST stop dwelling and you MUST stop torturing yourself over this. You cannot change the past, and I fear that unless you make peace with that fact as soon as possible, you will end up losing your relationship with this guy. I think your behaviour is beyond unacceptable, never is it acceptable to treat somebody you supposedly care about that way. I for one wouldn't stand for it and I doubt many guys would, so consider yourself lucky that you still have a chance to have something truly wonderful with this guy.
Bottom line, you have to make peace with the fact that your boyfriend has history and enjoy your relationship for what it is. If you cannot accept that and if you cannot change how you feel, then I personally don't think you should be in a relationship with him.
Best of luck to you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2011): It sounds to me like you're torturing yourself, and your boyfriend has really given you no reason for you to doubt that he loves you. It's easy to blame his last relationship for your own insecurities. At least you are acknowledging that there is a problem though. Have you discussed calmly with your boyfriend how you feel about his ex? Usually ex's are ex's for a reason and it is unlikely that he would get back together with her when he has been with you for 7 months. You need to put it out of your mind, which i know is easier said than done, but it is possible. Everytime you think of it you need to dismiss it and think of something else, eventually your mind will stop obsessing over it, leaving you to be a nicer girlfriend to your man and also help you to feel happier about how you act towards him. It is not acceptable for either sex to physically, or mentally attack their partner. If he treated you the way you have been treating him you would have probably left him by now, also his ex may have been ugly and manly, but she probably didn't hit him and humiliate him....it almost seems as if you put yourself above him, and that's not fair, unless of course he was a complete dog, which it doesn't sound like he is. If you want to keep hold of him you need to look to your future together rather than at his past. Be happy :)
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