A
male
age
41-50,
*ractor boy12
writes:Hi, I had an affair with a woman 3 years ago and we just connected. My marriage ended, although that was one reason, it was not the main one.After the marriage ended the woman I had the affair with said she could not be with me as she was married, although not happily at all. In the last 2 years I have been seeing some else and she is very supportive and caring. We get on well but I am not 100% attracted to her, I do love her. Last month the other woman got in touch saying she was getting a divorce and wanted to be with me.I starting chatting on FB but then stopped as I thought it was wrong to do.I am worried that I am more in love with the other woman and have made a mistake, I am really at a loss. However being this woman would make it hard with my family and my ex wife would make life hard for me with my kids. Should I stay as I am 80% happy and calm or risk it all for a deeper love but with massive hassle?
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affair, divorce, ex-wife, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2014): If you want to throw away a relationship with an honest, faithful woman for one who cheats without remorse, then you deserve the lonely life you will probably end up with.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (2 August 2014):
 Take a few steps back... and a few deep breaths.... and consider these details of your situation:
1. The woman who you had the affair with.... was neither committed enough to you - and/or lacked the guts - to cast her lot with you. Do you REALLY think that she is "committed" to making a life with you??? (I think not.)
2. You are now spending time with a woman who has indicated a REAL love/attraction for you... but YOU waver 'cuz you can't get your mind off that hot Babe who put out for you... 3 years ago... then left you high-and- dry....
Soooooo, why not leave BOTH of the them alone for six months.... and try to spend that time finding out just WHO YOU ARE... and what you REALLY WANT for a partner in life?
It's quite likely that you will discover that NEITHER of these women is "ideal" for you... and YOU have to LEARN what/which woman (from amongst the 3 billion-or-so others) IS your ideal girl.
Flings tend to screw up a guy's thinking..... It's hard to put that wonderful, recreational $ex behind us.... even tho' it involved the ultimate inmfidelity (cheating on your wife)....
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 August 2014):
 You've had two years to move on from the first woman. For you to date the second woman means you give up and starting a new life, because you probably don't want to wait years for her to get a divorce. So for you to say you are still in love with her means that you don't love the second woman. You are allowed to use the word love. But love is more like an action and a decision to make. You can say you have feelings for the second woman but after contacting the first woman old feelings came up. At the end it is what works for you the best. I also think your mathematics is a bit off. 100% and 80%. I don't think so. You are either attracted to a person or you are not.
Figure out if long term is what you want again. Then find a new woman who matches what you want also. Your ex wife doesn't have a problem with you having sex with other women. You are free as a bird. It's just as long as her kids won't interact with the women you bring in even when you don't have long term intentions. She also has fears that she gets replaced as a mother. If you have done the legal grunt work and have half custody then there is nothing she can do to make it hard. It doesn't set a good example of how a father should act. If you can start with a clean slate with a suitable woman then there is no need to do any comparing and doubting.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2014): You are using the word "love" way out of context. You don't love any of these women. You like sex with them. You're just undecided about which one you "like" sexing the best. You've spoiled yourself; because you like dipping your wick here and there.
You've got commitment problems.
Why does it matter what your ex-wife and kids think about you being with the first woman, when it didn't matter when you were married? I have to ask. Are you bragging or complaining? Choose a favorite, and call it a day. Your ex-wife is always going to make it hard for you with the kids. That's your karma.
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