A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband has been controlling me in all sorts of ways. He has made it quite difficult for me to have a relationship with my mother by calling her numerous names and whenever I wished to speak to her I had to put the phone on loud speaker so he could listen to our conversations etc... if I wanted to visit her then he would either come with me or constantly phone me. He also said to me if she asked me to buy her anything then I must not, but she does not ask me to buy her anything. My sisters miss me and I dare not call them or give them my phone number as he will give me headache about this. But yet now he wants me to go and stay with his family and his mother would talk to him on skype for 6 hours a day, he would always send her money including my money and I sent her some things and she would ask for more things, and I had to speak to his family on skype when I did not want to. Some members of his family have said to him why do you love your wife more than your family. And now so much anger is inside me because its like he has tried to ruin and upset my family relationships and now he wants me to visit his. I just cannot do it all , in fact I have that much anger I hate him right now, and I have told him I dont want to ever meet your family who,are interfering and takers, where as mine are not. I will never go and visit his family and I hate my husband for what he has done, one rule for me but a different one for him . I am reacting normally?
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (2 August 2014):
 There is really only ONE WAY to deal with a controlling and abusive husband such as you described in our submittal.
YOU GET AWAY FROM HIM and NEVER LOOK BACK...
I think that should be clear enough....
Good luck....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2014): Yes you are reacting most appropriately. You are gathering up the nerve to make a decision not to take the abuse and controlling anymore. Nothing is worse than being pulled away from our loved ones; and with me, that would be the final straw. The sad part is, you're reactive; but not proactive for your rights.
Yes, you should be angry. Hopefully, this is going to finally give you the nerve to put an end to all this. You don't mention if you have any children? Is he from another country, or a different ethnic background or nationality from your own?
You get angry, but you haven't done anything in the past but allowed all this to happen. Your problem is that you're too passive. You can't be that passive in a marriage; unless your culture demands that of you. Are you afraid to leave him for some reason? Are you financially dependent on him? You obviously have a job, he gives your money to his family. You're like a helpless child, just letting him do whatever he pleases.
I fear you're just venting, and have absolutely no intention of doing a damned thing about it.
You should contact your family, and tell them you're coming home. Find yourself a lawyer, pack your things; call your family and make some arrangements. Maybe they'll give you a place to live until you get your life in order.
This sounds like one of those situations where you married-off and followed the man wherever he wanted to go. You don't make your presence and personal rights evident in your marriage. Instead, you chose a man far too aggressive for your personality. Either put your foot down, or get out of the marriage. Sitting around stewing about it all is just going to make you ill; the pressure will make you sickly and depressed.
Use that anger to do something about it. Call your family whenever you like. You never stand-up for yourself. You saw this in that man before you married him. This didn't suddenly come-over him. Aggression doesn't make a man more manly, and it doesn't make you safe. Timid women choose aggressive men; because they think he'll make them feel protected. It almost always backfires. They end-up needing protection from him.
Your problem isn't your in-laws. Your problem is your husband, and your lack of courage or assertiveness.
Please contact a local shelter or hotline for battered women in your local area. They will offer you resources, counseling, and information to help you find a safe place if you're afraid of your husband. You didn't mention it; but I wouldn't be surprised if he has anger-issues, shouts at you, throws fits of rage, and frightens you. God, I hope he doesn't hit you!!! Otherwise you fear he will; or you wouldn't be so compliant and submissive to his bullying.
He maintains his control by keeping you separated from your family. Reconnect with them, and watch how strong you'll feel! If you don't like his family, don't go. You have to take a stance. Seek protection in a women's shelter; if you're just too timid to stand up for yourself and get out.
We can't offer you any advice to change him if that's what you're looking for. No matter what we tell you, you have to take some action for your own protection.
...............................
|
