A
female
age
41-50,
*ittleEm
writes:I am torn between two men. The back stories are so incredibly deep that I will give just the basics.First guy: The man I'm currently with. We've been off and on for 8 years, but currently living together. We have been getting along great. He is my best friend. We share a ton in common, passionate about many of the same things. Our sex life is not great - mostly, I have no real interest in having sex with him. Maybe that's because it's been so long? Anyway, he finally wants to marry me. I feel that if I chose this path, I would be happy...enough. Not positive I could last forever (foresee cheating in the future). We moved to Vermont together from New York. We laugh, know each other very well, and have a very comfortable albeit boring existence. Still, caught him in lies in the past - don't trust him completely. Main problem: don't want to have sex with him. Don't even want to kiss him.Second guy: THE GUY. Loved him the first time I saw him. Insane attraction. Can't see straight when he walks into room. INCREDIBLE SEX. Don't share as many interests, but do have some basic things we both love. Very strong mental connection. He is incredibly smart, which turns me on almost more than the physical aspect. Love him inexplicably. In a word: INTENSE. Have known him for 13 years. We met in college - he was not ready for a relationship then. We had a friends +more relationship for 6 years until I met the guy I'm with now. We remained friends all along. Can tell each other anything. Trust him completely. Saw him 3 months ago when he told me he has realized he is in love with me. It's like an opportunity for me to have the guy I always dreamed about. It feels like a movie. Maybe too much like a movie.I'm 32 years old. My heart wants to go with second guy, but that would also involve moving back to NY. I love my life in Vermont very much. I also don't want to hurt first guy. I started to break up with him last week, and was convinced to stay. Couldn't get past his crying/begging/hurting. We also have a puppy that I don't want to leave. Basically, I do want to leave, but I'm scared to death of it not working out or me missing my life here/first guy too much. I do trust that second guy is serious. He's the type of person who knows what he wants. And that's me.Both guys want to marry me. This matters very little to me, but the first guy would also equal a life of more struggle, trying to constantly make ends meet. The second guy has money. Life would be easier (especially when having children). Again, I don't care about money. The money is almost a drawback with the second guy, as I'm scared it might change me. It took me a long time to know who I am and I don't want to change. But, he's not pretentious in the least. He's extremely down to earth. This feels like the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I've been sick to my stomach over it. Any insights would be appreciated. Thank you for listening. Just feels good to write it out. I'm hoping to make my decision by February.
View related questions:
best friend, money, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, LittleEm +, writes (2 March 2015):
LittleEm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE!I completely forgot that I posted my dilemma here all those years ago. Recently, I cam across this page and felt compelled to update yet again. If anyone out there in a similar situation reads this, I would love for them to know that happy endings are possible.First off, my relationship with guy #2 continues to be absolutely wonderful. In fact, we are now MARRIED and have two gorgeous daughters, ages 2.5 and 6 months.Second, remember how sad I was about leaving my Vermont lifestyle behind? In 2010, my husband and I bought a home in Vermont where we are currently raising our family. All of my friends are back in my life. Even my dog lives with us most of the time. It's a dream!As for guy #1, it took a while, but eventually we did reconnect as friends. He is in a new relationship now and we are all friends. That's right, guy #1 and guy #2 are now FRIENDS.I know this is rare, but it can happen. To the guy that encouraged me to choose true love, thank you. It was the best decision I've ever made.
A
female
reader, Baccurra +, writes (11 January 2011):
I'm in the same situation...just without the sex. I'm 18 years old, but please continue to read this.
A relationship should not center around sex. The relationship should be centered around LOVE. If you see that you will cheat, then you are not ready for the married life. If GUY 1 has lied to you and you can't trust him, then you should have red flags going off in your head right now and RUN THE OTHER WAY! And also, if you don't want to kiss him, then move on and don't drag him along thinking you love him.
With GUY 2, you and him have more of an attraction, but like I said earlier: DON'T CENTER YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH SEX! Guy 2 seems to be the one you should choose. I hope this helps
...............................
A
female
reader, LittleEm +, writes (22 December 2009):
LittleEm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, I can't believe how wrong I was. SOOO WRONG. After writing my last update, I decided to make a commitment to my decision and try to push forward. I also tried something new for me- I TALKED TO GUY #2 ABOUT MY DOUBTS, THE THINGS I WAS FEELING, AND MY FEARS THAT I'D MADE A MISTAKE. All I can say is WOW! Who knew communication could be so effective? :)
It's been five months since my last post. Yes, I miss guy #1 still, strictly as a friend though. I did cut off communication with him completely. I told him I needed him to let me go and he's done that. Last time I was in his area, he knew about it from a mutual friend, and set up a time for me to be able to see our dog without him and I seeing each other. This tells me that he is still hurt and working on moving on, but he's not angry anymore. I'll always miss our friendship and I'll always feel pain in my heart when I think of the pain I caused him. I still get sad from time to time. I wish him all the happiness in the world; I so badly hope he finds it.
I HAVE found it. After I committed to truly letting go of my ex, it didn't take long to realize that I am in a remarkable relationship with Guy #2. He IS the right guy for me. It never occurred to me that relationships didn't have to be filled with drama, fighting, screaming, etc. Relationships can be wonderful - loving, happy, affectionate, and PASSIONATE. I am in the most beautiful relationship. I've never felt so completely secure and confident. I know we will be together forever. Sure, there is still work involved, but overall love is easy when it's right.
I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HAPPY!
...............................
A
female
reader, LittleEm +, writes (23 July 2009):
LittleEm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello,
This is LittleEm the original poster of this story...
So, here's how things went down. I broke up with guy #1 as you know, but couldn't cope with just up and leaving my life in one shot. Instead, I got a sublet for 5 months in Vermont and went long distance with guy #2. I felt madly in love the whole time. The breakup with guy #1 was heartwrenching and I missed his friendship so much, but I was too in love with guy #2. After about a month of carrying the guilt and being somewhat depressed, I finally climbed out from under it and allowed myself to be happy. I finally had the man I wanted. I can only describe the months that followed as total bliss. We visited each other often and felt completely in love, spending days without leaving the bed, gazing at each other, laughing, in our own little world - romantic scenes from movies like The Notebook or something. It felt surreal. It was the first time in my life that I felt genuinely and mutually in love.
Things moved quickly to say the least. By end of April we had an apartment waiting for us in Brooklyn to move in June 1st. I was thrilled. I would also go through some down periods of course, knowing that the time was approaching when I would have to say goodbye to seeing my closest friends on a daily basis. I love my friends in VT so much - especially a few of them, who I couldn't imagine not having in my life regularly.
If you're wondering what the status was with guy #1, the answer is NOT GOOD. He went from denial to anger pretty quickly. Randomly sent me texts to make me feel guilty, bad, scared, etc. Mostly though he was devastated. Revealed how he planned to ask me to marry me at an event we were attending in March. I ended up attending this even with guy #2, which pushed him to the edge. Still... he allowed me to take our dog to the park whenever I wanted. I knew deep down he was just rightfully upset. A big reason why he was so upset, I know, is because he knew that he really brought this on himself. He had broken up with me many times before (twice we were living together), because he was "unsure" or "scared." After 9 years and no talk of engagement, he can really only blame himself if I decided to leave him for a man who was ready to give me what I wanted. Anyway, I got to see my dog, but communication with guy #1, save the occasional angry text, was cut off.
Fast forward a few months and it's end of May. I'm on my way to NY at last! I have now been here about two months. Things have been spectacular? I thought it would be difficult to go from living with one man to living with another, yet it's been pretty seamless. We don't fight ever. We have a great time. We still have phenomenal sex. We have a beautiful apartment. He is great - honest, laid-back, smart, responsible, kind, open-minded... in a word, just one of the most incredible people I've ever known.
Yes, I miss my friends like crazy. Yes I miss my dog, my life, Vermont in general. But I wish that were the reason I was unhappy. When I first got here I would blame my unhappiness on my menstrual cycle as I do tend to get depressed right before my period. Then, I also figured it was a lot of changes at once and these things take time (which could still be the case). But at this point, I think I'm done making excuses and ready to face the simple fact that the reason for my unhappiness is that I think I made a mistake. I know that seems hard to believe given all the things I've just described, but I can't help the fact that I'm unhappy.
The thing is that guy #2 is everything I've ever thought I wanted, he is pretty much the ideal boyfriend, and any woman would be amazed to meet such an amazing man. He is like the jackpot of men. For me, though, he only has one problem: he's not guy #1. Yes, my guy #1, with all his flaws, is all I can think about now that I'm here. It took me moving to a different state to realize that I had happiness in my hand and threw it away.
So here I am now in a whole new dilemma, where I find myself wanting to reverse everything I did in the last six months. I feel myself fighting the urge and trying to push forward with my new life and new relationship. But, in my heart, I know it's not right, I know I belong with guy #1, and I know I have to find a way to get back to him. Since moving he has communicated with me twice. The first time he sent a text saying he misses more each day that goes by, he is sorry he screwed things up, and he wished me the best and good luck. Felt like he was trying to offer me closure. I heard again from him this past weekend by way of a short video clip he texted me from a concert he was at, with some choice lyrics. I do believe there's still a chance for me to fix this and for him and I to finally commit to each other, but I don't think I should contact him until I've completely ended my new relationship if that's what I decide.
HHHHelln and anonymous... I'm sorry I didn't see your posts until today, which motivated to write this update. I haven't checked this site since I last updated and today it occurred to me to write and I saw your posts. It has been some time since your situations... have you made decisions? I don't know how to give advice... I can only share my story. I do believe that I was in a happy but routine relationship with guy #1 and I let an old flame sweep me off my feet. I've always been a romantic and a dreamer - in this case, that crap bit me in the ass. I now see the value in forgetting about "something better" and embracing and working on what you already have. Conor Oberst from Bright Eyes put it best in a love song where he wrote "I'd rather be working for a paycheck than waiting to win the lottery."
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): Hi,
Wow reading your stories makes me feel like I'm seeing a parallel life to my own! I've been with my b/f for 3 years living together, started liking someone at work 5 months ago. We got on so well, loads of chemistry, and we work in similar roles have same goals etc in life. My b/f is very laid back, I'm more driven, he doesn't have any motivation in life and frustrates me at times, but is the most caring person in the world and I know will always be there for me! I told him it was over mid Jan, then thought what have I done so said would see how it goes in this kind of limbo of trying to make my mind up. Couldn't help myself and started seeing the guy I work with whilst in limbo. Had a break at my parents and missed my b/f so much, so said we'd give it another go. Told the other guy this, this was 3 weeks ago obviously didn't go down well! Since this thinking not sure made the right decision, other guy's moving to another country in 5 weeks and wants me to take a risk on him - but it's all about the security and can I live with the guilt and wonder of is my b/f happy if I left him - I feel he needs me so much! What to do - it's so hard?
...............................
A
female
reader, HHHelln  +, writes (31 March 2009):
Hi, I am now in the situation you were in 3 months ago. Some small differences - i have only known the second guy for 9 months and have already had a relationship with him last year after ending an 8 year relationship with my b/f. Trouble is, i missed the emotional comforts that my b/f gave me and went back to him in December. But since then i haven't been able to get the second guy out of my head so, i recently got back in touch. iI feel so much for this guy and he opens up so many new and exciting paths for me. Everything else you have described you and your second guy to be (financially, physically, intellectually, the connection you have etc.) is all exactly like myself. I too am scared of change and wonder if it will be the right thing to do, even though i will completely devastate my b/f for a second time (he thinks by the way that i'd just rather run away than make an effort to make things work, but surely if i can't get this guy out of my head then i don't really love my b/f?). It's been 3 months since you wrote about your decision to leave your b/f. How is it turning out? Any other advice would be greatly appreciated too. Thanks.
...............................
A
female
reader, LittleEm +, writes (31 December 2008):
LittleEm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI broke up with guy #1 last night. I really thought I was going to wait until February as we have a vacation planned with my family at the end of January, but I just couldn't keep looking him in the eye and being phony. What's more, guy #2 is out of the country on vacation until the 4th, so I couldn't call him for reassurance. BUT, it's almost better that he wasn't here because deep down, I know that this breakup has nothing to do with him. He was merely the catalyst. Anyway, the next few weeks are going to be excruciating as I have to pack all my shit, say goodbye to all my friends, and my dog. It feels crazy to know that I'm moving so fast - my life is being pulled out from under me. Mostly, though, the guilt I'm feeling is unbearable. Guy #1 is completely devastated. I miss him already and I'm not even gone yet. I'm having second thoughts like crazy, but I know that's just the guilt/fear talking. Thanks again, for your advice. Hopefully I will have a much happier update in a few months, once the dust settles.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008): Hello LittleEM...it's incrediable, I was able to type my situation and then I came across yours...I am in a very similar situation as you!
SO I totally understand what you mean....
I am also torn between two guys, one stable bf for 5 years who I currently live with, and someone I have met that is new and given me the motivation to do new things and explore.
Inside I know I feel sorry for my current bf and as other ppl have mentioned, I am shit scared to get used to a sudden change especially when I am almost 30 years old!
Both guys have mentioned marriage but I know I should not be holding back on that...just perhaps I am scared to face new changes and challenges...my current bf is in my comfort zone....
So, I have decided to tell my bf the truth...I guess there is no easy way to handle it... and I feel like a complete bitch but guess thats the only way, right?
...............................
A
female
reader, LittleEm +, writes (28 December 2008):
LittleEm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for these fast responses. In many ways, yes, I am looking for reassurance or for someone to tell me "it's ok." I've always been very concerned with doing "the right thing," which in this case feels like the right thing is to stay with guy #1. But YES... YES... I want to go with guy #2 desperately. That being said, the thought of not having guy #1 in my life anymore makes me incredibly sad. Sometimes I wonder if I could live with it. My friends are pretty torn as well. It is very helpful to get opinions from complete strangers - especially when they happen to be the same opinion and they happen to be of the "duh... obviously you want this guy" variety :) I welcome any other opinions and will certainly post an update when I finally make my decision.
...............................
A
male
reader, Dansyourman +, writes (27 December 2008):
So, you are faced with a choice between a comfortable yet boring shag-buddy who you don’t even want to kiss and a man who makes you go funny, who turns you on both mentally and physically and who you’re in love with.
The choice is essentially between spending the rest of your life with a friend or with a lover, and that’s not really much of a choice at all. It’s a no-brainer.
You owe it to your friends to be honest with them which is clearly a principle that guy number one doesn’t understand himself. So be honest with him and tell him that you don’t love him. You owe it to him but more importantly, you owe it to yourself.
Your reluctance to leave guy number one is only due to a fear of change. Change is good. Your attachments to where you live and your current lifestyle are holding you back when they shouldn’t. You can start a new social life when you move.
I could go on in this manner for pages and pages but I’m not going to for one simple reason. The reason is that you clearly know what the answer to this question is. You are just looking for reassurance and I don’t blame you. Most people need reassurance from time to time and when they can’t find it from friends they look for it in strangers (which is why you are posting on this site, I should reckon).
Reassurance is fine but when it comes down to it, however, the only person who can reassure you is yourself. You’re choosing between true love and convenience and, like I said, that’s really no choice at all.
...............................
|
