A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I regret married to my husband. I regret ignoring all the red flag about him. I regret i dont take the advice from my friends and aunties here. Now im living miserably everyday worrying about what will he did. He is manipulative, selfish and pathological liar. Here's what he did : he gambled away his money and now living in debt, he yells at me everytime he doesnt want to answer me when im asking, he lies a lot from small things to crucial things, he goes to adult massage and addicted to porn and adult app and reject sex with me even i try to initiate, he doesnt get intimate with me if he doesnt need me. He masturbate secretly when hes in shower. He will become caring and intimate just when he needs to borrow money from me. He isnt being open to me about his financial condition and always saying he doesnt have money while he can buy things and tell me its given by his friend. He lies about his whereabout and who he is with. It almost happen all the time.i can say 80% of his words are lies and white lies. We now have 2 months old son together and he shows he cares to our son when theres people around. But in the bedroom he only interested in playing video games. Its like he isnt ready to be a husband and father. We are living with my in laws to make it worse. His family likes to create drama and treat me ( now him too ) like strangers. I want to move out but he is kinda unsure. Once he said he wants to move out but the other time he is unsure. Im now thinking about leaving him and his family. What should i do with my 2 months old son. He is innocent and i wish he can grow up with complete parent. But im fed up and too tired to be stressed out with my newborn. He is my priority now. Do i have any hope left? How to make him man up and stop making me a doormat?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2018): Omg! This man certainly won't be changing any time soon. I doubt that he even feels like there is any problem with his behaviour; especially as he is yelling at you etc.
What would your instinctive response be, to a friend going through the same thing.
It's there you will find your true answer, on what to do.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2018): Judging by the your age, yours is a very young marriage. You've explained how regretful you are to have married your husband; yet it seems you were aware of the kind of man he was before you married him. Then why did you marry him? You've now brought a child into the picture; and now you turn a group of strangers on a website to tell you how to change your husband.
It just doesn't work that way.
You don't marry people, and in the midst of a troubled-married, decide to start having children.
Were you thinking a child would change him into a good father and husband? You fault your husband for everything; but you have to own-up the choices you've made. Those being, choosing the wrong man; and even while you're in the middle of an unhappy marriage, decided to have a child. Now leaving him will be much more complicated. He will challenge you, and he will make the child a pawn; and use the child as a way to antagonize you. He will continue playing the game of being good and evil. You have to have the courage and will to make hard decisions, and follow them through.
Stop searching for easy solutions. There are no easy solutions. Changing the same story and the asking the same questions several different ways; doesn't change the right answers. The answers that suggest you decide whether to go or to stay. Would staying do you any good?
I know you've written here before about your problem marriage. Maybe even two or three times. Your situation isn't going to change, and no one has a magic potion, spell, or an incantation to pour over your husband to change him into anybody other than the guy he is.
The only remedy to your situation is to decide when and how to leave him.
You can write DC and seek advice from a thousand sources; but nothing happens until YOU decide to do something about it. When you decide enough is enough. Seek legal representation to get yourself out of a miserable and failing marriage.
Asking over and over won't get you an answer that will make what you're going through easy to fix. It's too complicated. You can seek our comfort and reassurance. You can pray about it. You can speak to your parents. You and turn to your faith; and seek counseling through your faith leadership. It's good to exhaust several different options; then you'll know what your final decision will have to be.
If you've tried everything, and yet he remains a terrible husband and father; then it's up to you to decide to leave him. Not one uncle or aunt can come knocking at your door to offer you help. We can't make you move or talk like a puppet. It's all on you! We can offer you our sympathy, our empathy, and our best advice. It's still your decision what to do.
I've suggested to you before to leave and return to your parents. Asking the same question again and again; then ignoring the advise is wasting your time. You don't have the courage to do anything about your situation; because you want someone to tell you how to fix it. You can't force a person to love you who doesn't love you. You aren't responsible for changing people; when you yourself have admitted you ignored all the warning-signs that he would be a bad husband, but married him anyway.
You can't take it anymore? Then do something about it; and stop asking for advice you won't listen to anyway. Do what your heart, conscience, friends, family, all of us, and common-sense have already told you dozens of times.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2018): Please leave! He is a narcissistic. Personality does NOT change! I left an emotionally and financially abusive relationship. I crawled out of that relationship. It’s the rejection that tricks you into wanting the relationship. I’m sorry but he doesn’t love anyone but himself. It will be painful to the core but the longer you stay, the more consequences you will face. I went back and ended up in MORE debt and pain!! Please don’t do this to yourself. I promise you will he SO much more stronger one day soon. He will go on to his next victim but you will be actually happy!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2018): Youre right cindy.. it hurts to hear the honest opinion from other about us. The truth hurts so much. But what youd said is true. I guess the biggest problem here is our incompatibility and he doesnt love me to start everything with.Cindy, sometimes i feel he still care about me. I dont know its just me fantasizing or its real. He lies to me he is working overtime while actually he plays basketball after work. I asked him was he played basketball and he said yes. Yesterday he went to work earlier and he said he want to arrive earlier. Then i video call him after half an hour he angrily answer my call and said he bought a breakfast. And in the evening after work he went home and told me he meet his friends A when buying the breakfast. This A is my friend too and he knows it. Why he told me he meet him when he is lying? I asked this A were they met yesterday. He said he invited my husband to restaurnt and they met for 1 hour before they go to work. Actually i dont mind if he is honest about it. Why he lies and angry when i ask him what he is doing. He yell at me and said i ruin his day. Said im crazy girl and controlling. Since he is working now and we have our newborn son he drops me and our son to my parent house every morning before going to work and fetch us in the evening. He said so that his mom cnt bully me. He give this idea when his mom complain about us. His mom wants me to do everything on my own without any help from others. He said we will move out to my house that given by my father after it renovated and he will tell his parent that we do a business and work overtime and so that we sleep there. He knows his mom will make me difficult if im in his home without him. Nobody will help me so he suggest i went home everyday to avoid her. I guess he still care for me? But he will fetch me late at night. 8pm is the earliest. Mostly at 9 and 10 pm. My dad isnt happy about this as he worry about my baby health. Is it really hopeless for us? How can i make him realize what he missed?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 December 2018):
 You can't ever change people and make them into what you want them to be. Even if you could somehow force them to change, it won't stick, they'll revert to their previous behaviour as soon as the threat or pressure is removed. Change can only start from themselves: they can change if they decide to, if they really WANT to change.
So, I guess you could rephrase your question as " what can I do to make him want to change ? " I'll be brutally frank and I'll tell you- nothing. Because you have no leverage on him. No enticement - you cannot offer him anything that he wants as a " reward " for his change.
I'll explain : if he were deeply in love with you, but also slave to an addiction ( in his case it is gambling, but it could be drugs or alcohol or anything ) at some point he could say to himself " Uh-oh. If I carry on like this, I am going to lose the love of my life, I'd better do something about it quite fast ". If he were someone who values family above everything else, ditto- he'd realize he is destroying what he cares about most , and would be open to change.
But- he does not love you ( and IMO he never did , of course I might be wrong , I am saying it only based on what you have been telling us in all your posts along the years ). He does not desire you phisically. He does not care about having a strong, happy family. How can you
" push " him in the direction you hope for ? By withdrawing sex, withdrawing your affection and companionship ? Heck, you'd be doing him a favour ! He'd be relieved !
" Great , the old ball and chain is off my back finally ! Now, I can gamble,watch porn and play videogames as much as I want - ah, life is good ".
Look, he is clearly making you miserable, but the funny
( or sad ) thing is that , at least in his mind, you are making him miserable. You cannot have the life you want because of him , and the contempt and abuse you are exposed to, and he cannot have the life he wants because you are a constant remnder to him of all the duties and obligations he contacted willy-nilly,of the " freedom " he has partially lost, and of the failure he is in the eyes of his family and society.
You are incompatible ; you have different wishes, different values, different expectations from marriage. Staying together , you will only drive each other crazy , more and more.
I sense that you realized that, deep down; so why are you hanging there teeth and nails ? It sounds to me like it's sheer stubborness on your side . Or pride . You made a big mistake, even if you had been warned against it by your family and friends, and even, FWIW, by many strangers on DC. So , if you now end your marriage, … you " lose face " and people may say " I told you so ". Is this what is bothering you ? Aw please. People make mistakes . Particularly when they are young and unexperienced. Mistakes are forgivable. What it is unforgivable, is not learning from your mistakes, and most of all not correcting them when you have the chance and the way !
Or maybe you are hanging in there out of spite. You don't want to make it too easy for him ( I don't blame you , he is already having too much fun as it is now ! )
For some reason, I don't think this is about love. I don't think you are holding on tight because you are still deeply in love with him, or you can't figure your life without him etc. etc. That's just my impression, but , anyway, even if it was about love , sincere love- so what. "Love" does not justify everything, it does not justify ruining your own life and future and submitting yourself to abuse and cruelty ( and financial exploitation , in your case ). If you " love " someone who is unwilling / incapable to respect you - then love him from from a distance , if you must- but do not carry on a relationship with them, do not enmesh yourself in their life and problems.
I also think that you are focusing on the wrong things. Like, I know that you hate living with your in-laws and can't wait to move out with your husband , but- even assuming that it's gonna happen ( and, mark my words, it's not gonna happen. Definitely not.He would have to pay for your rent, food, utilies, clothing, domestic help and all the things he now gets for free ) even if you moved out, you'd get rid of his parents but you'd still have a cheating, stealing, scrounging, gambling, unloving, abusive husband. Or do you think that if he changes address he also changes his nature and feelings ?
As for raising the child, yes I guess it is better for a child to live with both parents under the same roof, at certain conditions. Like, if the parents can have at least a decent, if not loving, relationship, and do not expose the child to constant arguments, scenes or worse. If they do not have to see one parent humiliated and ignored by the other. And if both parents can be decent, if not great, role models. These conditions would be sorely lacking in your case. And, as for the role model ?...pardon me but YOU told us that your husband was caught on camera stealing from his own parents !, that's the example you want your child to grow up with ? Heck, when he is 3 he would steal change from your purse " because Daddy told me to " !
Go home. You are lucky that you have a caring- and also well off - family who will help you until you are back on your feet ,so to speak, and can get organized , get a job and a place to live on your own.Yes I know that your dad advised you to be patient with your husband and to give him time to sort himself out…. but I also know that you told your father maybe 10 % of all the verbal, psychological and physical abuse you have endured Tell him the truth, and see that Father will change his tune real fast !
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2018): You can’t make anyone man up or change who they are . You have two choices . Stay with this immature worthless excuse of a partner or leave and find happiness for yourself and your child . Sure being a single mum is Tough in many ways but believe me it beats being with a guy like this anyday. I speak from experience as I was amdingle
Mum with with three children who found myself single when I was pregnant with the third . At the time it seemed like the end of the world but In truth it was the beginning of my happiness and I have never once doubted that my children were better off growing up without seeing their mother living with a porn addicted user of a man
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (8 December 2018):
 No hope left while you stay with the guy. Plenty of hope left for you and your son. Show your son strength and determination. Show him how to look after yourselves when things get tough. Do not stay with this man. What you do now will be instrumental in who your son becomes. If you want him to become like his father, stay. If you want him to become an honest, caring man who values people and is more careful with money - leave and do your best to instill those traits.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2018): Your baby is better off growing up in a healthy household with loving and responsible parents. If your husband can’t do his part, it is not your fault. You can’t make your husband man-up, he has to want to - and I’m not sure he does. Take care of you, and your baby, and if things work out Ruth your husband great; if not, that’s his loss.
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