A
male
age
51-59,
*onfused916
writes:Hello, I just found out my girlfriend of 6 years had multiple threesomes, and even a foursome MMMF. She was dating one guy but had sex with his three friends without him. When he found out she offered to have sex with him and another guy she was sleeping with at the time. Turns out I know some of the guys in the foursome. I’m torn now and don’t know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2018): Has she done this while she was with you? Does she seem to have changed? Is it because you know some of the people in question so that is what bothers you?
We all do silly things we regret when we are younger, well most of us but that doesn't mean she is like that now. Only you know if this was definitely past history and has no bearing on the here and now...
A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (10 December 2018):
You’re not married, you don’t say that you live together or have a mortgage. You don’t mention any children. If her past behavior bothers you find another lady friend
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (9 December 2018):
 Most of us have done things in our past that we may be a little ashamed of, regret etc...but we can't change our past. Maybe she just was adventuresome who knows?
I dont know why after 6 years this is just coming out but if her past bothers you and you cant deal with then end things. She can't undo what has been done. Either accept it or move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2018): How badly do you feel about it? She can't undo the past. How did you come by this information? I'm very curious to know!
You're a very mature man, if you're in your 50's! How old is she, and how far back in her history are we talking here?
This is a no-brainer. You're not in your 20's, you've been around the block; and you know how to judge character and use discernment. How did she fool you so easily?
If it bothers you so much, breakup! What's she supposed to do, build a time-machine and turn-back time?
How were the last 6 years? Why did her sexual-history become a topic of discussion with you and some other man/men?
If you're uncertain she hasn't changed her ways, get tested.
She's apparently more than you can handle. You don't put yourself through emotional torture over things you can't change. So you remove yourself from the situation.
When you find-out things about people that go against your values; or if they do things that you can't deal with, that's called a deal-breaker. You let them go and you disassociate. You have the choice to forgive and forget about it; or just leave her. Not stay and be a pain in the ass.
You don't keep running it through your head and holding it against her. She can't undo the past to make you feel better. People do change; and people do things they seriously regret. The past catches up with you, when you live notoriously! I guess that day has come for her!
I suspect this is alleged behavior with no supporting-evidence. Just nasty gossip!
You're old enough to know that if she's not your type of woman; let her go, and move on. Digging into a person's past might uncover things you don't want to know. You stuck around for the dirty-details; so you got yourself an earful.
You didn't even defend her, you just sat there listening. Taking it all in.
Only, you're going by hearsay. You really don't know how true it is. You don't know if it's all complete bull-crap told by a guy who really can't stand your guts. Pretending to be a buddy. He just destroyed your relationship on his words alone. Some people's only goal in life is to destroy others. Seek vengeance, or reek havoc. Consider your source of information, before you make an ass of yourself.
If you believe him, breakup! It's better than wasting her time, while you sit in judgement over her past. Thinking all sorts of nasty things about her in your self-righteous indignation.
Get yourself a full battery of tests for STD's. Don't make this some big dramatic ordeal. It's the messenger's word against hers. You apparently don't trust her. So people can just come-up out of nowhere with any kind of story, and you wouldn't give her benefit of the doubt? Too bad for her!
If you were a kid in his 20's; I would understand your confusion. All for the lack of experience. You're more or less behaving as if you've been conned or scammed.
What does the last six years say about who she is?
Well, I guess she's been with a few guys; and if that's too much, just call it quits. Be a gent, go peacefully, and have nothing more to do with her.
You've just up-ended a six-year relationship; because some guy tells you this out of the blue? I wonder why he'd do that? If your relationship has been wonderful the last six years, I wonder why you would even care? Somebody just laid all this on you, just like that? Why now, why not before?
You still may need to get tested. She hasn't asked you for anything out of the ordinary. Apparently she is reformed and cares more about you than your past.
My guess is, she got caught-up in a culture. Women often do the things guys want them to do; because they want to please them. Women like sex and can be promiscuous just like men. If she didn't share that with you, it's probably because she wanted to disassociate with her past. Maybe she fell in-love.
If you can't get it out of your head, get out of the relationship.
I don't think this was some random or casual conversation over a beer; I think you've been snooping around. That's usually symptomatic of an insecure man who has performance-anxiety, or has a very small penis.
Why would anybody wait six years to go digging around for dirt on their mate?
I'm with Honeypie, "Lucy, you got some 'splaining to do!"
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2018): You will probably get a lot saying it is nothing to do with you, or it happened before you etc. Well if you can’t or don’t want to live with the thought of it it is better to end it ASAP. I couldn’t live with the thought of it myself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2018): Why are you concerned? Because people like her have a very difficult time committing to one person. She's proven that. If you knew this 6 years ago, you would not have dated her. Be honest. You will always worry you won't be enough for her. And you will always worry she will do it again because she's done it before and she's capable. Not wife material. You will just resent her more and more now that you know this.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 December 2018):
 How does it affect you? Directly?
Is it because you don't like some with a "larger" sexual history than yourself?
Or because you KNOW some of the men who had sex with her?
Or because she basically cheated on that ex with 3 other men? Or was THAT relationship a swinger/open relationship?
I think my answer might vary, depending on HOW it affect you and WHAT is it that makes you go, I'm now TORN about this woman.
You have been dating her for 6 years, and only NOW does it pop up and concern you?
How did you find out about this?
While I absolutely believe that a person's PAST sex-life doesn't NEED to be aired, I would find it a bit hard to see my partner with the same "glasses" if I found out they had been into groupsex, swinging, open relationship for the simple fact that it COULD be that they don't have the same values and notions about WHAT a relationship entails, what committing fully and faithfulness means.
And then let's not forget that someone who has been more promiscuous in their behavior have a higher change of having and passing on STD's.
I do think it would be nice if you could answer my questions before I continue to answer.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2018): Leave her. It's the only way .
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