A
male
age
51-59,
*rytofigout
writes:Help, For the last 3 years, my wife has had a male friend, and I just don't trust his intentions are just friends with my spouse. I have discussed this with my wife repeated times, to no resolution. She promises me that there relationship is just friendship. But when you spend 1000's of minutes on the phone, 1000's of texts per month to this person, the impression it leaves that there is more. We live around 300 miles from where he does, and our families live in this same community. I travel on business, so when I do, she says she is going to drive to visit her family. I always ask her if she has any plans to see him before she leaves, always says no. But every time she goes, oh he called when I got there, and we are going here, we are going there. I have met him, he has always had relationship problems, and he has depended on my wife for advice and support, but she promises me that is all. The real issue that my heart keeps telling me over and over again is this. If you spend that kinda time on the phone, texting, making plans when you are away from your spouse to spend time together, but yet you have sworn that there is nothing sexual going on, does the constitute a emotional affair, and if so, how do you discuss with her, you emotions and feeling firmly to her, that this really hurts you, that you dont have a issue with her being friends, but why do they have to be in contact so much, over the times that I have said things to her about it, she will slack off contact for a few months, calling me and texting me more when I travel, and I have gotten to a point I see that as just a way to make me feel better about the situation.I love my wife of 18 years with all my heart and soul, I have given her a great life, she does not have to work, does not want for anything, I give her kindness, attention, we go on dates, I have invested a lot into my relationship over the years with her, just to have the last 3 years, really hurt me deep, because she just cant seem to back away from him, to just contact every now and then, I have ask her if our relationship had ever came up in there conversations, if he has in the 3 years ever ask how I felt, and she has told me no. I cant see how it couldnt given the fact, that he knows how much my wife means to me. Guys and Gals, I get so discouraged that one day I am going to wake up, and she is gonna say, I dont love you any more, that is my fear, when she is all I have ever wanted and needed in my life. And for the people reading this, yes I do have female friends, but no I do not have the type of contact with them they way she does with him. Am I normal feeling these feelings in my heart, am I just jealous of what they have, I have given her space to continue this relationship with him for the last 3 years, trying to be a good husband, but I think there is more????
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male
reader, Ted-ster +, writes (26 June 2010):
Are you serious? She feels apathy towards you. She's not even thinking about you. Approaching her with these questions will result in a blank stare from her. She doesn't even think about you and your relationship anymore. SHe's thinking about him. And when she's going to see/talk/connect with him again. Sorry.
A
male
reader, Trytofigout +, writes (17 June 2010):
Trytofigout is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo all the people who responded to my question, thank you for your input. I have decided to go about this a very constructive way. We are doing a survey called the 5 questions. Here they are,
1. As my spouse what are the things that you admire about me the most.
2. As my spouse what are the things you dislike the least about me.
3. What are our worst fears in our relationship
4. What are some of the single most important expectations that we have for each other.
5. The single most important thing, that I dont understand about you.
I am have hope that this will get her to open up to me. So we can work through this. I am willing to forgive anything, I just want my wife back. She is my everything. I love her very dearly.
Thanks again to all. I hope you all have a great day.
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A
male
reader, Trytofigout +, writes (13 June 2010):
Trytofigout is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGuys and Gals,
Sometimes admitting that there is something more than a emotional affair going on is hard, Like I said in my note, I have really tried hard over the last 18 years to be a good husband, do right by her, provide for her and so on and so forth. She will be returning tomorrow from going up to see her family, she has been there since Wed of last week, 1,2 and 3 day, she saw him. I think she saw him today, I have to do a little recon work to find out for sure, but if she did, and I can confirm it, then she didnt tell me, and I am going to have to do something. Thanks you again for your input, I have taken away something from every one of you, and look forward to hearing from others.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2010): you need to give her an ultimatum. either she cut off contact with her guy friend or she packs her things and gets out. you don't deserve this and I find it unbelieveable that you have put up with this for three years. she is defintely having an emotional affair!
And also yo my want to talk to the guy friend too. confront him and let him know you are uncomfortable with their closeness and would appreciated it if he showed you some respect man to man and backed off.
then see what happens. if it stops then good try to work on getting some counceling to repair your relationship.
If it doesn't stop then you have your answer, she not in love with you anymore and in that case you need to let her go and move on with your life.
Good luck to you! You sound like a good guy.
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A
male
reader, Ted-ster +, writes (12 June 2010):
You know one day she's going to say, "Oh, honey, I'm sorry... boo hoo ... we didn't mean to do it ... boo hoo ... we had a couple of drinks ... boo hooo .... and it just happened ... boo hooo.... it will never happen again ... booo - hoooo." Repeat. (!) This is at the very least an emotional affair that WILL evolve into a physical one. It happened to my brother and his wife. Wife started to work, texting a colleague, grew and grew, until, finally, "Oh, honey, I'm sorry.... boo hoo.... " It ruined their marriage (with children). I think you've already lost her. Sounds like it's gotten to the point that there just waiting for the next step, if it hasn't happened already.... I don't think this situation will end good for you in the short run, but it appears that you already know that. Tell her that your marriage is on the line, and give her an ultimatum: I have a feeling she is going to pick her "friendship" over the marriage (... she already has.) If so, you're better off moving on.... trust me. My brother moved on, and is a lot happier with someone who wants to be with him now. It was very painful at first, but much, much better for him in the long run. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Jendorset  +, writes (12 June 2010):
I could understand her friendship with this man if she was good friends with him before she met you. But as you were already together for a long time i dont see her need to have a male friend in which she has so much communication. It may just be my opinion, but if i was you i would be annoyed with her and this man. I personally think she is out of line. We are all entitled to be friends with whoever we like but i dont even text and ring my own best female friend as much as you say she is contacting this man. It sounds to me like something more is going on but i dont want to make you feel worried. Ask her why she feels the need to contact this man so much. If he is such a good friend then surely they dont need to text ALL the time because real friends can go ages without contact and still be as close as the last time they saw each other.
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